It's Not Easy Being Young
by TKR.87
Summary: AU. High School Fic centred around Casey. No immediate pairings but likely to become A/C (Calex) TRIGGER WARNING FOR LATER CONTENT. Rated M for a variety of reasons. Includes Law and Order Characters, Abbie and Serena.
1. Chapter 1

**I decided to write a fic based on the characters High School Years. It's AU and a may be a little OOC, and is set in the girls 12th Grade. Alex, Abbie and Serena are all 17 while Olivia has just turned 18. Casey is also 17. I wanted to write something different but I'm not neglecting my other stories...I'll still update them as much as possible. My muse just wanted a change.**

**There are no pairings to begin with but it's already leaning towards eventual Calex. It's going to be a deep and personal write, and there'll be some sensitive subjects so this is your TRIGGER WARNING for the future. I will let you know before I post anything if it might be a little sensitive. **

Chapter 1:

Alex watched as Abbie taunted the redhead, she could see the young woman breaking in front of her. She was trembling and begging Abbie to leave her alone but it seemed that this just gave the brunette more ammunition as she stepped closer and closer…

"Look at you, you're a complete loser. You can't even stand up for yourself can you? Poor Casey Novak, High School's biggest failure"

Alex watched as Casey looked over at her, her eyes begging for help. Alex couldn't believe that Abbie had taken it this far. She regrettably had partaken in taunting and teasing the redhead on occasion but never had she reduced her to a quivering wreck.

"Abbie, leave her alone" she finally managed to speak out after her initial shock "Can't you see what you're doing to her?"

"She's being a baby Alex" Abbie replied before placing her hands on the red heads shoulders and giving her a shove into the lockers.

The redhead stumbled backwards, grunting when her back made contact with the metal. "Leave me alone, please" she managed to choke out through her tears which just made Abbie laugh

"Please, Aww, isn't she so polite?" Abbie teased

"Abbie, leave her alone. Come on…" Alex said as she took a step closer to the two girls "She doesn't deserve this"

Abbie turned to glare at Alex "When did you start to care?"

"When you took it too far Abbie, look at the poor girl" Alex said tugging the brunette away

Abbie turned and laughed at the sight of the redhead attempting to straighten her uniform "Yeah, look at her. What a sorry excuse for a life"

Casey looked aghast at Abbie's words before darting off down the corridor. Abbie laughed and shook her head "Jesus, she's weird"

Alex was in shock at how rude and nasty her best friend had become in that moment, she shook her head and walked off.

"Alex, what's happened to you? We've always teased her and it never bothered you before" Abbie said as she caught up with the blonde

"Maybe I just grew up. There's teasing and then there's outright bullying. You were really rough with her. She was terrified" Alex bit out as she stopped abruptly, turning and glaring at the brunette

Abbie shrugged her shoulders as she headed out into the open air, searching for where she had parked her car that morning. She stopped when she reached the vehicle, turning and raising a brow at the blonde "Are you coming over?"

"No" Alex said firmly "I refuse to even attempt to be nice to you…no doubt you'll be telling Olivia and Rena about you're display…you make me sick Abbie"

Abbie just looked at the blonde wide eyed "Nice to know what you really think of me Alex"

"I used to like you, Abbie. But right now, I can't stand the sight of you" Alex turned and walked on her heels.

Abbie groaned and climbed into her car. There was no point in trying to talk to the blonde when she was like this. She'd get over it, wouldn't she?

* * *

Alex sighed as she pulled her coat tighter around her shoulders. She hated arguing with Abbie, they'd been best friends for a long time but something had changed. Abbie had changed.

They'd always teased Casey, they had done for years, but they'd never actually lay a hand on the red head, or been that nasty. Plus, Alex had never seen Casey break like that. The redhead seemed to be resilient and the comments usually went over her head from what the blonde had seen in the past. Usually Casey would bite out with a snarky comment or just walk away, but she had completely let down her guard back there.

As she rounded the corner she noticed a figure almost lying under the large oak tree. She furrowed her brows as she glanced at her watch. 4.30pm…it was a little late for anyone to still be around. As she stepped closer, the person came into view.

"Casey" she said quietly, as she noticed the redhead was curled up into a foetal position on the ground.

"Go away" the redhead mumbled, her voice thick with emotion

"Are you okay?" Alex said as she ignored the redhead's words

Casey looked up at Alex, and gave a small laugh "What do you care, go back to your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend" Alex stated "Heck, right now she isn't even my friend"

"Leave me alone, please" Casey asked, curling further into herself, the tears steadily dripping

"Uh uh" Alex said shaking her head as she plopped down next to the redhead "I'm sorry I've been so nasty to you Casey. What Abbie did back there was wrong"

"You never cared before" Casey bit out, as she attempted to wipe her eyes, and take a deep breath but the sobs were too strong and she gave up.

"Hey" Alex tentatively touched the redheads shoulder, Casey flinched at the contact and shifted herself away.

Alex sighed as she placed her hands on her lap "I'm trying to apologise here Casey"

"I don't need it" Casey answered "Please, just go"

Alex nodded as she stood "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow"

Casey didn't respond, she watched the blonde walk away before she let out a scream and began to sob harder.

Alex heard the anguish that the redhead was feeling and grew concerned, she really wanted to go back and comfort the upset woman but gathered she wouldn't be welcome

* * *

"Where's Alex?" Olivia asked Abbie as she and Serena entered the brunette's apartment. Abbie had moved from her parents house soon after she had turned 17 after a fight about her grades and what she wanted to do with her life after High School.

"She's not coming" Abbie stated as she shut the door behind her two friends

Serena raised her brows "You two haven't had another fight, have you? What is it this time?"

"I don't know" Abbie lied, she didn't want to get into it right now. She just wanted to have a nice time with her two friends, regardless of how much she wished Alex was there. The three friends headed to the brunette's bedroom, taking a seat on the bed.

"I swear, you two are like a married couple, you argue over the silliest things" Olivia shook her head as she spoke. She was no stranger to the fights between her friends.

"This wasn't silly" the blonde's said as she knocked on the window

"Did you climb the fire escape again Alex?" Serena said with a chuckle as she headed over to the window

"I knew she wouldn't let me in" Alex said, jabbing a finger in the direction of Abbie as Serena opened the window for her to climb through

"Well, you couldn't stand the sight of me" Abbie bit out harshly

"I still can't" Alex replied "But I wanted to see my friends"

"What the fuck is going on?" Olivia said confused, her brows raised as Alex plopped herself down on the bed

"Ask her" Alex told the brunette as she pointed at the other "Tell them, Abs, tell them what you did"

Serena raised a brow "Alex…calm down" she said, noticing how tense the blonde was getting

"Tell them Abbie" she said glaring at the brunette

Abbie shook her head "I don't get what the big deal is"

Olivia looked between the two girls and sighed "Okay, will one of you just tell us"

Alex stood up and walked over to the window "Ask her. I'm going home"

"Alex, come back here and talk to us" Serena said, as she stood following the blonde

"I can't stand being in the same room as that bitch" she said "I'll call you later Rena"

Serena nodded, knowing there was no changing the blonde's mind. As Alex descended the steps, she turned to Abbie "Now please, tell me what the fuck is going on with you two"

"She didn't like how I was treating Casey" Abbie answered "I don't get it…we've always teased her"

Olivia furrowed her brows "Novak, you argued about Novak?"

Abbie chuckled "I know. It sounds stupid. It's not like they're friends or anything"

Serena shook her head; she knew there was more to this story than Abbie was letting on. It was totally out of character for Alex to be this pissed at the brunette "What did you actually do to Casey?"

"I just got in her face, pushed her about a little" she mumbled

Olivia glared at her "You actually pushed her?!"

"It's not that big a deal" Abbie said wide eyed, shocked that Olivia was acting like this

"Oh, yeah…and I bet Casey just let you…"

Abbie shook her head as she looked at her two friends "She was crying"

Serena laughed "And you wonder why Alex is acting like this…you made her cry. You actually made Casey cry"

"What? So…she's such a jerk" Abbie stated

"No, you are" Serena said as she headed for the door "You can't see how nasty you are sometimes Abs"

Abbie stood up; walking over to the blonde "You're not leaving"

Serena glared at her "I'm going to check on Alex"

Olivia stood from her space on the bed, joining the blonde and brunette by the door "I think I'll come with you"

Abbie laughed "So you're ditching me…both of you"

Serena shook her head "You really don't see it Abbie. You've changed"

"I have not…you guys have" she defended

"Maybe we just grew up" Olivia told her "You need to do the same"

**Let me know what you think...**


	2. Chapter 2

**First I'd like to thank you for your kind reviews, Madds21 and Eljh55 and to the following:**

**Briannav123: I liked Abbie as a character while she was on SVU but I have always preferred Alex and Casey. But don't worry, Abbie won't always be this nasty to Casey**

**Surfrider: Thank you, and yes Alex/Casey will be paired eventually, no doubt about that now**

**NightlyOwl: I am planning on expanding the resoning behind Abbie dislike for Casey, and Casey will be the main focus as the story progresses, so we'll find out why she's breaking now soon**

**Here's Chapter 2...**

Chapter 2:

Olivia and Serena approached the front door of the Cabot home. Alex still lived with her parents and younger sister Arielle, but her friends had always been a welcome part of the family.

Knocking gently Serena sighed "I've never seen Alex so angry"

Olivia agreed "Neither have I. Whatever Abbie did to Casey was obviously bad enough to warrant Alex's reaction"

The door opened and Caroline Cabot opened the door "Hey Girls. Alex isn't home…I thought she was going over to Abbie's"

Serena was about to tell the woman what had transpired or at least that Alex wasn't with Abbie but Olivia beat her to it "Okay, Mrs Cabot. Thank you"

The older woman closed the door as Serena glared at Olivia "Why didn't you tell her?"

"What? That Alex was angry and upset and stormed out…that would really work" Olivia said shaking her head "Call her"

Serena nodded as she took out her cell; she dialled the blonde's number and sighed when it rang once before going over to voicemail. "She sent me to voicemail" she said shocked "I can't believe she sent me to voicemail"

"Keep trying Re, leave her a message. We'll find her." Olivia tried to keep herself calm. It was no use panicking about where there friend had gone. Alex was a strong woman, she'd be okay, and she probably just needed some time to herself to think.

Just as they were about to leave, Olivia heard her name being called and she looked up

"Are you looking for Alex?" the young blonde girl said

"Hi Arielle, yeah we are" Olivia told her as she gave the teen a smile. Arielle was only 14, but she was wise beyond her years and she and Alex were extremely alike

"She text me, she told me that if you came round to tell you she's in Central Park" Arielle told them

"Thanks Arielle" Olivia told her as she ducked her head back under the window, before closing it. "See, she just needed some time"

Serena sighed "I still can't get over how angry she was. Abbie's right, Alex hasn't been nice to Casey either"

Olivia nodded "Whatever Abbie did, it was enough to make Alex angry"

"It must have been bad" the blonde mused.

"Come on, we've got a friend to take care of" Olivia snapped the blonde from her thoughts as she headed down the path towards the park.

* * *

Alex sat on the bench watching the water in the lake as she wrapped her arms around herself. It was a chilly day…the weather had taken a turn for the worst and the blonde was certain that snow was on the way. She smiled as she remembered the snowfall last year, and how she and Abbie laughed and joked while making snow angels in the blonde's back yard.

Sighing, she took a deep breath and thought about what had happened that afternoon. Granted, she admitted that she hadn't been very kind to Casey in the past, but she'd never go as far as physically hurt her, and she was never outright cruel. She'd tease her about an outfit, or how she had her hair, about a grade she had gotten on a test, but never would she call her names or make her cry.

She recalled how she had found her under the tree, she looked lost, hurt, broken even and it cut into the blonde's heart. She knew how sensitive some people could be, but had also seen how driven and strong the redhead had been until that moment. It was unusual and it worried her a little.

"Alex!" she heard her name called and looked up to see her worried friends hurrying along the path

"Hi" she mumbled, avoiding eye contact with them "Sorry I left like that"

The two girls gave her a small smile as they sat down either side. Olivia touched the blonde's shoulder and said gently "Abbie told us"

"And we agree with you" Serena added "No one should be made to feel bad about themselves, and I know that we all tease Casey, but it seems like Abbie took it too far this time"

Alex nodded, as she looked to the blonde beside her "She pushed her into the lockers. Casey was so distraught, she was crying and shaking…and begging Abbie to leave her alone"

Olivia was shocked at exactly how much Abbie had hurt the redhead "That bad huh?"

Alex nodded "And then Abbie called her a sorry excuse for a life"

"She what?!" Serena almost screamed

"I know. Casey just looked so shocked before she ran off" Alex said, placing a hand on Serena's shoulder to calm her

"I hope she's okay" Olivia said quietly. She knew that it only took one thing to knock someone over the edge.

"I bumped into her after Abbie went. She was lying under that big tree by the gym, she was curled up and sobbing. I tried to apologise for Abbie and for all the times I teased her but she told me to go" Alex explained, she had so wanted to console the redhead but didn't know how.

"Do you know where she lives?" Serena asked Alex who shook her head

"Not a clue"

"She lives on West 89th Street" Olivia tells them, causing Alex to whip her head round "How do you know that?"

"I was driving down there one day and saw her leave" Olivia explained "Her Mom was at the door"

Serena smiled "Go over Alex, check she's alright"

Alex furrowed her brows "It's almost 7pm Rena"

"So, it's not late. I know you're worried and I know you won't settle until you talk to her"

Alex sighed "It's not a good idea. I'll just see her at school tomorrow"

Serena decided not to push it, so instead she stood "I'm hungry. Who's for Pizza?"

Olivia cheered "I was wondering when you'd think about food"

Alex chuckled at her friends. She had wanted to go and see Casey, but she knew it would look weird and seem strange. "Come on then"

* * *

Abbie sighed as she sat on her bed alone. She couldn't believe that her three best friends had all ditched her. She had mused over what Olivia had said, had she really changed?

She agreed that maybe she had been a little bitchy recently but she had put that down to the fact that she had to choose her career options. She hated studying and still hadn't decided what she wanted to do for a living.

Alex and Serena were both set on Law, and Olivia had expressed an interest in the Police Force. She had no ambitions, not like they did, she had never been academic.

She decided to dial Alex and apologise, she missed her best friend and hated that she had caused them to fight.

She was relieved when Alex picked up "Alex, I'm sorry" she said immediately

"It's not me you need to apologise to Abs" Alex told her

"I'm not going near that piece of…" she began but stopped herself when she realised that it wasn't going to help "I know"

"No, you don't Abbie. You're still being damn right nasty. You need to grow up"

"I said I was sorry"

"Yes, and I told you. Casey needs the apology, not me. I don't really care anymore. You can't keep being such a bitch just because the teachers are on your back"

"I know" Abbie sighed

"Are you going to apologise to Casey?" Alex asked again

Abbie sighed "I wasn't that nasty really"

Alex slammed her hand down on the hard surface causing Abbie to jump "I give up!" she exclaimed before ending the call.

Abbie looked at her cell and sighed again _'Well that went well'_ she thought as she flopped back her bed.

* * *

Alex ran a hand through her hair as she looked at the door in front of her. She didn't know what she was doing here. She was just about to walk away when the door opened and a tall redheaded woman appeared

"Hello dear, can I help you?"

Alex turned around and immediately knew that this woman was Casey's Mom, she looked so much like the young woman that she had been thinking about all day

"Oh, um, I was wondering if Casey was in." Alex said quietly

"Cassandra, there's someone at the door for you!" the woman called out before turning back to the blonde and offering her hand "Mrs Novak, I'm Cassandra's Mother"

Alex nodded, her suspicions confirmed, she pocketed the information of Casey's name for future reference. Usually this would be ammunition for more teasing, but she didn't want to tease the redhead anymore, at least not nastily.

Casey came bounding down the stairs, her eyes growing wide when she saw the blonde on the doorstep "Alex? What are you doing here?" she asked

"That's a great way to treat a friend" her Mother said, with a glare

"She's not my friend" Casey bit out "Alex, just go"

"No, I wanted to apologise. Again" Alex stood firm, locking her eyes with the redhead.

"I can see this is a private moment. Casey, let the young woman in and I'll leave you two to talk"

"Mom…" Casey began but the older woman had already disappeared into what Alex guessed was the kitchen

"I really am sorry Casey" Alex said again as she went to touch the redhead's arm, but Casey jumped away

"You said that"

"Can we talk?" Alex asked gently "Please"

Casey sighed as she stepped back a little "Five minutes" she told the blonde who followed her in.

Alex took a deep breath as she followed the redhead up the stairs.

As they reached the top, Casey said quietly and almost inaudibly "Don't judge me"

Alex gasped as the redhead pushed open her bedroom door. The room was a deep shade of red, with a hint of black. Her king-size bed was the main focus of the room, draped in silky sheets with mountains of cushions in red and black.

"This is beautiful" she said turning to face the redhead who blushed and nodded

"Thanks"

"Casey, I want to apologise for everything and for what Abbie did today. I had to come over, and find out if you were okay" Alex said as she took a seat on the windowsill, looking out into the back yard.

"I'm fine. Hang on, how did you know where I lived?" Casey asked as she sat down next to the blonde

"Olivia drove past and saw you talking to your Mom once…" Alex began but was cut off by the redhead

"You were talking about me?!"

"I was worried about you Casey, and Olivia noticed something was wrong"

Casey sighed "Sorry, I guess Abbie just got to me today"

Alex nodded as she placed a hand on the redhead's arm, pleased when she didn't flinch or pull away "I really am sorry"

"I know" Casey said as she leant back against the wall "Thank you for coming to check on me"

"Like I said, I was worried about you and I really would like if we could be friends"

Casey furrowed her brows "You want to be friends with me, after you teased me and made my life hell?"

Alex sighed "I said I was sorry Casey"

"What do you want from me?" the redhead asked as she looked at the blonde

"You're forgiveness and a chance"

"Is that all?" Casey questioned "You're not going to stab me in the back or use me?"

Alex shook her head "No" she said firmly "I told you, I want to get to know you. Properly"

"What do you want to know?" Casey asked as she stood up

"I already know you're name is Cassandra" Alex teased

"Shut up" Casey said laughing "Only my Mom calls me that"

"You're really pretty when you laugh, did you know that?"

Casey raised her eyebrows "Thanks…I think"

Alex laughed "So, tell me about Casey Novak. I guess your favourite colour is red?"

"Whatever gave you that idea Alexandra?"

"You did not just call me that?"

"Oh but I did. And yes, red is my favourite colour. What's yours?"

"Blue" Alex answered plainly "But like dark blue"

"Royal blue?" Casey questioned "Wow, I wouldn't have thought that"

"What would you have thought?" Alex asked intrigued

"I don't know, something girly, like Pink or Yellow, or Baby Blue"

"You know nothing about me Casey, seriously" Alex said laughing "Pink? Really?"

Casey laughed along with the redhead. _'Alex is actually really fun to be around'_ she thought

_'I really like Casey, she's such a joker'_ Alex thought at the same time, feeling awful for all the times she had been nasty to the redhead.

**Your thoughts please...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Another huge thanks for your kind reviews on the previous chapter. I wasn't intending to update again today but I managed to get the next chapter written and on reflection am not sure when I will next be able to update. I have a busy couple of days with family commitments and I may not get until Friday to update again so I thought I'd give you the third chapter early. **

Chapter 3:

"Liv, can you tell Alex that I'm sorry" Abbie asked her friend as they sat around the bench during lunch.

"Abbie, just give Alex some time, have you apologised to Casey yet?" Olivia tried to approach the subject tactfully, she was fed up being the communicator and quite frankly she thought both of the young women were being more than a little childish.

Alex was proud and she wouldn't be the first to fix their friendship, plus Olivia knew that Alex still believed that Abbie was in the wrong and until the brunette grew up she knew that Alex would not attempt to reconcile.

"I don't want to" Abbie huffed, folding her arms

"Well now who's being a child?!" Serena exclaimed as she sat down next to the two of them "Jesus Abbie, just apologise already"

"Alex won't even let me near Casey, how am I meant to apologise when I can't even get two feet in front of her?" Abbie sighs

"Alex is being a little ridiculous" Olivia agreed "I mean, she's completely forgotten about us now that she and Casey are best pals"

"They are not best pals. Alex is trying to show Casey that she's sorry, and she hasn't forgotten about us. She text me this morning and I believe she text you too" Serena defended, as she looked across at Olivia

"Well, if she'd leave Casey for five minutes, I could actually try and make amends" Abbie said quietly. She really didn't want to apologise but at the same time, she missed Alex and wanted her best friend back

"We'll try and get her away during Philosophy" Serena said albeit a little reluctantly as the bell rang

Olivia nodded as she stood "Come on, we've got to get to class"

* * *

"Why do you always sit on your own?" Alex asked the redhead as she took a seat, opening her textbook. After she had apologised to redhead they had exchanged numbers and talked a little about their likes and dislikes. Neither had been overly forthcoming about themselves but Alex had done better in talking about her family. Casey was reluctant to discuss anything personal and Alex wanted to know more about the girl.

"No one ever wants to sit next to me" Casey answered shrugging her shoulders "Oh look there's your friends"

Alex gave a little wave to Olivia and Serena who both waved back as they took their seats, Abbie followed and smiled at the blonde who scowled and returned to the redhead "I really am sorry Casey, about how I've treated you"

Casey gave a sad smile "You've apologised enough Alex. You should make up with Abbie"

"I refuse to acknowledge her. It's the principal Casey, she can't expect to treat you like she did and expect everyone to be fine about it. Can I borrow your textbook?"

Casey nodded before looking up at the woman who had just entered the room "Good Afternoon class. Today we'll be reviewing Social Philosophy"

Casey groaned allowed causing Alex to chuckle "Oh come on Casey, you're smart. You'll get the work done in no time"

Casey looked up, giving a small smile "I know, it's not that…I just. I hate this topic"

"Why?" Alex asks raising an eye brow as she hears Olivia whispering behind her

_'Abbie, I said we'll talk to her' _

_'I just want to apologise to Casey'_

_'If you're not really sorry, why bother?'_

_'I miss Alex'_

Alex sighs, trying to block out the conversation going on behind her with the two brunettes'.

"It's just one of those topics Alex" Casey said, not attempting to divulge any more information at the present time. Alex nodded, as she began reading the chapter that the teacher had scribbled out onto the board. She wanted Casey to open up and actually talk to her about herself rather than topics that didn't give anything away.

"Alex, can I have a word?" Serena asks as she leans over her desk to whisper in the blonde's ear

"Hey Re" Alex said with a smile before turning back to Casey "I'll just be a minute"

Casey nodded as Alex moved from the seat beside her taking with her the textbook. When she looked up again, she saw Abbie sitting beside her

"Abbie, if you're going to be nasty again, save your breath" she bit out harshly

"I was…um…I wanted" Abbie mumbled

"Spit it out Carmichael, I'm trying to work" Casey said impatiently as she chewed the top of her pen nervously

"I just…you know what? I don't get why Alex likes you…you're a freak" Abbie sighed as she shuffled out, her head bowed low.

The bell sounded and Casey grabbed her bag, hurrying from the room. She hadn't expected the brunette's words to hurt so much, and she had been expecting some kind of apology.

"Casey, wait" she heard Alex calling her but she just wanted to be alone

"I'll see you later" she said over her shoulder as she continued to walk down the corridor towards the restroom.

Alex turned and glared at the brunette who was in deep conversation with Olivia and Serena and stormed over to where they were

"What did you say to her?!" she demanded looking Abbie square in the eyes

"Nothing…"

"I thought you were going to apologise" Serena said as she looked at the guilty look on the Abbie's face

"Apologise? Abbie wouldn't know how to apologise, not properly anyway"

"I was going to…but she's just so annoyingly weird" Abbie said, as she folded her arms across her chest

"Abs" Olivia warned

"What?" Abbie bit out

"She is not weird. She's smart and funny and you're just plain nasty Abigail. I hate you" Alex said as she turned on her heels much like the previous day

* * *

"You know what Abbie, she's right" Olivia said sighing as they made their way into the gym

"About what?"

Olivia glared at her friend "You really are nasty sometimes Abbie. What has got into you?"

"Nothing"

Serena shook her head "Why do you dislike Casey so much anyway? What has she ever done to you, to warrant your behaviour?"

Abbie shrugged "She's just weird Re. She's always alone, and she doesn't ever come to any of the functions. She rides a bicycle to school and as far as I know, she's never dated anyone"

"So that makes her weird. Abbie, that's a little ridiculous. Alex has never dated either…and I rarely ever go to functions. Loads of people have a bike" Olivia said shaking her head in confusion.

"That's different. Alex is just Alex and you have your Mom to look after"

Olivia shook her head, annoyed at the mention of her Mother "It's not and you know it Abs"

Abbie scowled as she began to change into her gym kit.

Olivia and Serena glanced over to the doors when they opened and a flustered and unusually late Alex came walking in.

She sighed as she threw her bag onto the bench and began pulling items from it.

"Someone's pissed off" Abbie chuckled, as she looked at the blonde. She missed Alex, and she wanted to be friends again "What's up Al?"

Alex glared at her "None of your business Carmichael"

Olivia sighed "Alex, please. Can't you two just get along? Why does it have to be like this?"

Serena nodded "We know Abbie's been out of order…"

"Hey" the brunette said but was ignored as Serena continued

"But can't you just stop being so stubborn and let it go?"

Alex shook her head "I don't know. Casey's a really nice girl if you give her a chance"

Olivia sighed "Where is Casey anyway?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders "I looked everywhere for her, not a clue"

Serena furrowed her brows "Isn't she meant to be in Gym with us?"

Alex nodded and then shrugged "I've text her. What did you say to her Abbie?"

"I might have said she was a freak" the brunette mumbled, but she was heard

"Abbie!" Serena chastised the brunette

"Do you think she's okay?" Olivia asked, a little concerned

Alex shrugged "I hope so"

* * *

Casey wasn't seen for the rest of the school day and Alex was concerned. Casey was the most academic person she knew and for her to skip class, especially Literacy was unusual and out of character.

She had tried calling the redhead but she wasn't picking up, and it was too late to go over to her house. Alex had gotten detention for using her phone in class, (trying to get in contact with the redhead) and therefore when she had gotten home her Mom had refused to allow her out until she had finished her homework. Arielle had thought this was rather fun and had teased her about it all evening. Unlike Alex, Arielle was never in trouble and excelled in everything she attempted. Alex was smart, but she had a tendency to dwindle and daydream and this often caused a little tension between herself and the teachers.

Sighing, the blonde switched on her laptop and waited for it to load. As she was about to type in her password her eyes fell on a piece of paper sticking out of the Philosophy textbook. She groaned when she remembered she had been using the redheads' book and had picked it up when Casey had hurried off.

As she pulled the paper from the page she was intrigued to see that it was a prescription. Furrowing her brows, she noticed that it was for something called…

**(Sorry for the cliffhanger...) Leave your thoughts. What is the prescription for? and where did Casey disappear off to?**


	4. Chapter 4

**I would give my apologies for the cliffhanger, but unfortunately you'll have to wait a little longer for that to be resolved. (I'm feeling a little wicked this morning). **

**I didn't think I'd get to update today, but I couldn't sleep last night and therefore another chapter was written in the early hours. I have spell checked and proof read through it so it should be okay but if you see any mistakes, please let me know. All your questions will be answered, I assure you, but I have a plan with this one (which is unusual for me)**

Chapter 4:

Alex stared at her laptop screen in disbelief. When she had found the prescription sticking out of the red heads Philosophy textbook she was curious. She had battled with her conscience over whether to search the net and find out exactly why Casey was taking this medication. In the end she knew she had to find out or it would plague her mind constantly.

She shook her head _'I have to talk to her'_ she thought as she scrambled off the bed, shutting down her laptop in the process. She threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater before tying her sneakers and grabbing her jacket.

"Mom, I'm going over to Abbie's" she lied "She needs help with homework"

Caroline Cabot looked up from where she was sitting on the couch and shook her head "Alex, it's nearly 8pm and it's Friday. Can't you go tomorrow?"

Alex sighed "I know Mom, but she really needs my help and I have her textbook anyway"

"Don't be late back" the older blonde woman said firmly. She knew there was no arguing with her stubborn daughter, and unfortunately her husband was stuck at the office and would most likely not be home for another few hours yet.

"Thanks Mom" Alex said smiling at her Mother as she gave her a hug and hurried out of the apartment.

Alex hadn't told her Mom about her fight with Abbie, she didn't know how to approach the subject and she was also a little afraid that her Mom would say I told you so. Caroline Cabot had always thought that Alex should be hanging out with other people besides the brunette but she had resided herself to the idea that at least her daughter had friends and she seemed happy with them.

* * *

Alex knocked on the door tentatively at almost 8.30pm. She took a deep breath and braced herself. She had decided that she wouldn't confront the redhead, that it wouldn't help but she did intend to find out what exactly was going on. She was worried and a little confused, but things had started to make sense on her Journey over.

The door opened and Casey's Mom smiled at Alex "Alex, Hi. Cassandra's in her room, come on in"

Alex thanked her as she entered, and took another deep breath. She was nervous and she was certain it showed. Despite the cold weather of early November, she was sweating.

"I hope you can get through to her, she's been really quiet this evening and refused to come down for Dinner" the older woman told Alex "Go on up"

Alex nodded, she was growing more concerned at the woman's words but again she told herself that there was no use in being forceful about anything.

Knocking on the door Alex steadied herself by taking a few deep breaths "Mom, I told you I'm not hungry"

Alex furrowed her brows, Casey sounded so distant, almost despondent and it wasn't something she had ever witnessed before. Casey was usually strong, witty and totally controlled or like she had been previously, emotional and snappy. She had never sounded so unemotional.

"I would hope I'm not your Mom" Alex tried to keep her voice calm and light hearted, but when she didn't receive a response she sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "Case, can I come in?"

"Alex, go home. Please"

Alex wasn't going to give up that easily, she was certain she needed to see the redhead. "I came to see if you were okay, and I brought your textbook"

The door opened and Casey appeared "Where is it?"

"In my bag" she said holding up the backpack before softening her voice "Casey, can I come in? Please"

Casey nodded as she stepped aside. Alex could tell the redhead was on edge but she reminded herself that a confrontation would not be helpful. Instead she took the textbook from her bag and placed it on the bed "I must have picked it up after Philosophy"

Casey nodded as she walked over to the window seat; she sat with her legs tucked underneath herself "Thanks for bringing it over"

Alex nodded as she approached the redhead "Where did you go? You weren't in class"

Casey sighed "I went for a walk. Alex, why are you really here?"

Alex gave the redhead a small smile "I was worried about you"

Casey furrowed her brows, as she nervously rubbed her hands along her thighs "I'm fine. Why do you care anyway?"

Alex sighed "I told you I was sorry and I'll apologise forever if I have to"

"I know you are Alex but you don't have to care about me. Why did you tease me, you've apologised Alex, but you haven't told me why you did it in the first place"

Alex stood up and walked around the room, she sat down on the bed and crossed her legs "It was bet at first. Abbie said I was too nice and would never say a nasty word to anyone. I wanted to prove her wrong. I felt terrible Casey, believe me"

"You carried on though Alex. It hurt"

Alex felt her heart break, she was eternally sorry for everything she had said to the redhead and she was ashamed that it all started as a stupid bet. "I know. I'm sorry. Abbie was my best friend, and I know that's not an excuse but I don't make friends easily"

"You thought being nasty to me would make Abbie like you more?" Casey asked raising a brow

"It was stupid and childish and I feel awful Casey. I never ever meant to hurt you"

"Why did you change your mind?"

"Because she pushed you and it had gone too far. You were upset Casey and I had never seen that reaction from you"

"I know" Casey said quietly

Alex wanted to bring up the subject of the prescription but she was getting somewhere with the redhead and didn't want her to shut down now.

"What changed Casey?" Alex asked tentatively

"She pushed me, it just reminded me of something and without…" she began but shook her head as she stood up "Alex, I'm fine. You can go"

Alex shook her head as she stood and placed a hand on the redheads shoulder "Casey, you are not fine. You're shaking"

"Alex, please. I said I was okay…I just need to be alone for a while" Casey snapped, and then sighed "Sorry. I'll call you tomorrow"

"Can I come over in the morning?" Alex asked, she wasn't going to push Casey for answers but she still wanted to see the redhead over the weekend.

Casey nodded as she returned to the window. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was still a little shaky. Alex could see the unshed tears in her eyes and knew that the redhead didn't want to break down in front of her.

* * *

Abbie laughed as she listened to Serena attempt to recite the alphabet in Spanish. It was Saturday and they had been working on their Spanish for the exam that was due to take place in a few weeks. Serena had agreed to come over and study with the brunette, and as Abbie reminded her that this was one subject they could fail together she relented. Serena was smart and usually excelled in class but she had never really taken to languages and it was nice to spend some time with the Texan girl even if relationships in their friendship circle were strained.

"Have you spoken to Alex today?" Abbie asked as she remembered listening to her best friend speak Spanish effortlessly.

"No, her Mom grounded her until after her homework was completed yesterday because of the detention she received" the blonde explained

"I can't understand why Alex has taken to Casey so easily and so quickly" Abbie said sighing

"Maybe she saw something that we haven't"

"But she's always teased her as well. It's not like she hasn't been party to it at all"

Serena nodded and then scooted closer to her friend "Abigail, Do you remember the first time Alex taunted Casey?"

The brunette furrowed her brows, wondering where the conversation was heading "Yeah"

"It was bet right? And did she look comfortable saying those things to Casey?"

Abbie shook her head "No, she didn't"

"Have you ever thought that she just went along with it because she was trying to impress you?"

Abbie gasped as she jumped up "That's ridiculous"

Serena sighed "It's not. Alex wanted your approval; she's always wanted our approval. But she's a sweetheart deep down, and if you think about it. She stopped taking part in all that weeks ago"

Abbie nodded "I guess. I can't believe she was just trying to gain my attention. She has it, she's my best friend Re, and I miss her"

"You need to apologise to Casey, and I mean, properly apologise. I don't expect you and her to be best friends, or anything, but at least be civil and a little nicer" Serena coaxed gently "It will take Al some time, but she'll come round"

"Call her Re. Ask her to come hang out with us"

Serena nodded, she hoped that her two friends could reconcile, although she doubted that it would be easy.

* * *

Alex jumped at the sound of her cell ringing; she was getting ready to head over to Casey's. She furrowed her brows and smiled when she saw that it was Serena calling.

"Hey Re" she said cheerily "And to what do I owe this pleasure"

Serena laughed "Hey Alex. I was wondering, well, hoping that you'd come over and we could hang out"

"I've got plans today Rena" Alex said sighing

"Do they involve your new best friend?" Serena bit out. Alex could tell that the blonde was annoyed.

"If you're talking about Casey, yes they do and she isn't my new best friend. You and Liv still hold that title"

"And Abbie?"

"You know what's happening there Re. She's with you isn't she? She put you up to this"

Serena sighed "Yes she's here but no, I want to hang out with you"

"I'll call you later and we'll meet up. I've got plans this morning" Alex reiterated

"Say Hi to Casey for me then" Serena said sighing

"Re, don't be like that. Casey's having a rough time; I just want to be a friend. I'd do the same if any of you needed it, you know that"

"Do I? I didn't think you'd ditch your friends for a girl that until a few weeks ago you teased and taunted"

"Serena, that's not fair and you know it. I'm not ditching you. I said I'll call you later, and we can meet this afternoon!" Alex exclaimed. She was frustrated and without breaking Casey's confidence (not that the redhead had confided in her) she didn't know how to make things better

"Yeah, well we'll see" Serena mumbled "Bye"

Alex sighed "Bye" she replied but Serena had already disconnected the call. Alex groaned as she flopped down onto her bed.

She knew she needed to spend time with Serena and Olivia and make amends with Abbie but she was still concerned about the red head and needed to talk to her.

**I really won't get a chance to update now until at least Friday...(although saying that, if I'm home early enough and I have something in mind, you may get it Thursday evening)**

**Leave your thoughts... as always I love hearing what you think. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, I couldn't make you wait for another chapter after all the lovely reviews you gave me. I'm posting this on my phone before I go to ny sisters. Were heading into town for some last minute Christmas shopping. :) **

**This chapter gets a little heavy, just a warning. **

Chapter 5:

"Hey" Alex said tentatively as she approached the Novak home. Casey was sitting on the steps outside, her eyes were red and Alex knew she had been crying.

Alex's suspicions were confirmed when the redhead hastily wiped her eyes on her sleeve and forced out a smile "Hi"

Alex sat down next to the redhead and sighed "Look Casey, I wasn't going to say anything. In fact I was just going to wait for you to confide in me, but quite frankly, I'm worried about you. I saw the prescription in your textbook"

Casey looked up aghast, and jumped up "Alex…? It's nothing, just some tablets that…"

"Treat depression, anxiety and panic attacks" Alex finished "Did you think I wouldn't search what they were for?"

"I'm fine" Casey said harshly "I don't need them"

"Well, the doctor obviously thinks you do or he wouldn't have given you them"

"I was doing better" Casey sighed

"You've been on them a while?" Alex asked, she was trying to process this new information but it was a lot for her to understand. She had been worried about her new friend and now her worry was increasing.

"A couple of years" Casey explained

"So that's why you broke down when Abbie cornered you on Thursday. You stopped taking your meds"

Casey nodded sheepishly "I thought I could cope, but she pushed me. My Dad used to push me all the time"

Alex had wondered where the redheads Father was, but she didn't know whether it was a sensitive subject so she hadn't asked.

"He hurt you?" Alex asked

Casey nodded "I don't want to talk about this anymore Al" she said as she stood "Let's go for a walk"

Alex agreed reluctantly, only because she wanted to process what she had learnt and give Casey time to process what she had just revealed.

As they walked down the street, Alex began to feel awful again for being so mean. She knew she had apologised constantly, but she had to again "Casey, I'm really sorry"

"It's not your fault" Casey said quietly

"I mean I'm sorry for everything I did. I never knew you were hurting like this"

Casey shrugged. She didn't want to talk about it anymore but she had known Alex long enough (even though they hadn't really talked before) to know that the blonde was stubborn and relentless when she had her mind set on something.

"I know you don't want to talk to me about this Casey. But what about your Mom? Does she know you stopped taking the meds?"

Casey shook her head "No, and I don't want her to know. I'm going to take them"

"Where's the prescription?" Alex asked, knowing that Casey hadn't got it with her

"At home" she said quietly

"Casey, don't lie to me. I know you have no reason to trust me, and you don't have to tell me anything, but I just want you to know that I am here for you. If you need a friend"

Casey stopped walking and looked at Alex, the moment their eyes met, the redhead burst into tears, almost crumbling into a heap as she did so.

Alex reached out and pulled the redhead into a tight hug. She could feel the force of the tears as the redhead released everything she had been holding in.

"Shh" she soothed, a little at loss as what to do for the best. She thought about leading the redhead home so she could talk to her Mom, but wasn't sure if Casey wanted that right now. Instead, she led her over to a bench and sat down.

Tentatively the blonde wrapped an arm around the redhead as she continued to cry.

After a few minutes, the sobs ceased and Casey pulled away "I'm so sorry. I don't know what…I didn't mean to…"

Alex knew that Casey was panicking; she had seen the signs enough on these hospital documentaries she watched. "Casey, listen to me. It's fine. You needed to do that and its okay"

Casey took a breath and nodded, she was trembling slightly and she could feel the tears still pricking her eyes "I don't know what to do"

"You need to get that prescription and take your meds, and you need to talk to someone Case"

"I know" Casey murmured

"Casey. I meant what I said, you can talk to me, and I am here for you" Alex soothed as she tentatively reached for the redhead

"I want to talk to you Alex. I'm just scared"

"Of what Case?"

"What you'll think, that you'll not want to be my friend. I can't see why you'd want to anyway"

"Because I like you, and because you're funny and smart, you're kind and caring, you're a really nice person Casey and I've really started to care about you"

Alex wasn't sure what she was feeling for the redhead, she just knew there was something different about her and that she felt different every time she thought about Casey.

"Thank you"

Alex shrugged "It's nothing. Come on, I'm getting cold"

"I don't want to go home"

"Then come to mine. We can talk, or if you don't want to we can watch a movie or something"

"Won't your Mom mind?"

"Nah, I have friends over all the time" Alex said with a smile "Come on"

* * *

Alex opened the door to the home she lived in with her parents and Arielle. She hoped her younger sister would not be in, but as soon as it opened she groaned "Hey Ari. This is my friend Casey. Casey, this is Arielle, my sister"

"I didn't know you had a sister" Casey said "I always wanted a sister"

Alex smiled "Trust me, you don't"

Arielle glared at the older blonde before she disappeared into the living room

"She looks so much like you"

"She does not!" Alex exclaimed which caused Casey to chuckle.

Alex smiled as she thought about how beautiful Casey looked when she smiled, and when it was genuine. She shook her head 'Where did that come from?' she thought

"My rooms up here" she said as she led the blonde up the stairs. She stopped outside and gave a sheepish smile "It's not as nice as your room"

Casey was about to reply but she gasped when she saw the blonde's room. The walls were an off white with a royal blue border. Her bed, while not as big as Casey's, was just as beautiful, with a royal blue duvet and red throw.

"It's beautiful" she said as she stepped inside

Alex gave a smile "Thanks"

They made their way over to the bed and both sat down. Alex felt nervous but she didn't know why. She fidgeted a little and looked over at the redhead who had taken a deep breath.

"My Dad used to beat my Mom. He never hurt me until I was 13, I had seen him hit her and I shouted at him. He shoved me so hard into the wall, and he'd do that every night until I ran away when I was 15. I camped out at a friend's house for about a week until her Mom told me that my Dad had beaten my Mom and she was in hospital. He was arrested and he's in prison now"

"Oh Case" Alex soothed; her heart had broken listening to the redhead talk about what she had been through.

"I had to testify. It broke me Al. The doctor gave me the meds. It wasn't easy but they helped"

Alex nodded, she couldn't understand completely how the redhead felt but she knew that it was hard for her new friend to open up like that.

"Casey, I know you said you were doing better and you thought you could manage without them but why stop altogether…why not talk to the doctor and see what was recommended. You could have lowered a dosage or something"

Alex didn't have much experience with medication and she wasn't sure how to go about weaning someone from medication, but she gathered that cutting the dosage would be a step.

"He said he was concerned that I wouldn't cope. I see a counsellor every month and apparently she was concerned. I just didn't really have much to say anymore"

"Casey, with everything going on at school, did you really think stopping them was the best thing to do?" Alex asked tentatively

Casey nodded "I did but I was wrong"

Alex sighed in relief, at least the redhead had realised she still needed the meds "So, are you going to take them?"

Casey nodded "Yeah. I need them"

Alex stood "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Casey shrugged "I'm sure you've got better things to be doing"

"Not at all, I'm meeting Serena later, but that's not until this afternoon"

"Have you and Abbie made up yet?"

Alex shook her head "Has she apologised?"

"No, but Alex, I don't need her to. As long as she leaves me alone, I don't need an apology"

"But it's the principal Case"

"I don't care about that. Alex, I just want to forget about it"

Alex nodded, she still thought that the brunette should apologise and she knew that Casey deserved at least that much but she didn't want to upset the redhead.

"So what do you want to watch?"

Casey followed Alex over to the shelf and scanned the DVD's lined up, they were in alphabet order and this made the redhead laugh.

Alex furrowed her brows "What's funny?"

"The way you're so neat and tidy Alex" Casey said

"Oh, are you teasing me Novak?"

"Maybe Cabot" Casey said laughing as Alex began to tickle her. She felt her body tingle and pulled away quickly. "Uh sorry"

Alex shook her head, she was angry at herself for initiating that contact. She had only just started to get to know the redhead and this was uncharted territory. When she had held her before, it was in comfort. This was different and she wasn't permitted to touch.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have"

Casey sighed as she took a few deep breaths "Did I see Legally Blonde? I love that film"

Alex knew that the redhead was trying to avoid any embarrassment or awkwardness and she was grateful "You wanna watch it?"

Casey nodded as she took a seat on the bed. Alex smiled at her "Get comfortable"

Casey returned the smile as she scooted towards the top of the bed, and leant against the headboard.

When the blonde returned, she took a breath as Alex settled herself next to the redhead.

"Alex, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just me; I'm just a little…out of sorts right now"

Alex sighed "I shouldn't have done that"

"Why? We're friends. Don't you laugh and joke with Abbie?"

Alex nodded as she thought about the laughs she had once shared with the brunette "Yeah" she said quietly

Casey noticed the tension and how quiet the blonde had gone "You need to talk to her, and make up Alex. She's your best friend, and you shouldn't let something silly ruin that"

Alex looked at the redhead wide eyed "It's not silly Casey. She pushed you…she made you remember and she made you…"

Casey shook her head adamantly "No, she didn't make me do anything. I stopped taking my medication, and she just triggered a memory. If I had been taking the medication, it wouldn't have hit me like that"

Alex was uncertain, but she didn't want to get into an argument with the redhead, so instead she sighed as she pressed play on the remote


	6. Chapter 6

**I published this chapter this morning and was going to post tomorrow but decided to now. Enjoy. **

Chapter 6:

"Alex!" Serena called as she spotted her friend sitting on the bench in Central Park where they had found her a few days earlier

Alex looked up and smiled as she saw the blonde heading towards her with Olivia and Abbie.

"Hey Re, Liv" she said with a smile and then looked towards the slim brunette "Hi Abs"

"Hey" Abbie replied before throwing her arms unexpectedly around Alex

Serena and Olivia glanced at each other and smiled as their friends released each other

"I've been such an idiot Alex, and I'll apologise to Casey on Monday" Abbie rambled

Alex smiled "I was a little silly too"

Serena took a deep breath "Now that we're all friends again, who wants to get a coffee?"

Alex laughed lightly as she followed her friends down the path out of the park.

"So, what's Casey like?" Olivia asked as they walked along the street towards the coffee shop

"She's really funny, and smart and kind. She likes red and her room, it's beautiful. And her eyes, when she smiles, there so pretty, like emeralds" Alex gushed, which caused Serena to almost choke on air

"Oh my gosh Re, are you okay?" Abbie asked, a little panicky as the blonde attempted to breathe

Serena laughed as she caught her breath "Fine. God Alex, you almost killed me!"

Alex furrowed her brows as they continued walking "What did I do?"

Olivia chuckled at the oblivious look on her friend as they entered the coffee shop.

"The way you talk about Casey, it's like you're dating or something" Serena said

Abbie laughed along with Olivia at the shocked and flustered look on Alex's face "We're not dating. She's, well, she's….a girl"

Serena laughed "There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of girls prefer girls, I know I do"

Abbie turned and glared at the blonde "Oh my god, I knew it"

Serena sighed "You act like it's such a big deal. Alex, do you like Casey?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders "I like her, yes. But that's it. Re, I'm not a lesbian"

Serena sighed "I'm not saying you are Alex. I'm just saying that you obviously like her and the way you talk it's as if she's more than a friend"

"Well she isn't Re. She just needs someone; you don't know anything about her"

Olivia touched the irritated blonde "Alex, what is all this? I've never seen you so worked up"

"Casey's just different Liv, okay. She's different and she needs a friend"

Olivia knew there was more to it, she had great observation skills and all the girls knew she'd make a brilliant detective one day. The brunette saw things that other people didn't and she knew that there was more to the story than Alex was telling.

"Alex, you know I'm really sorry about everything and I will apologise to Casey. I just have one question…" Abbie said as she sat at one of the tables, Alex next to her and Serena and Olivia opposite

Alex nodded to show she was listening.

"Why did you tease Casey if you weren't comfortable with it?"

Alex sighed "I've never made friends easy Abbie. I thought that if I went along with it, you'd be my friend"

"I was your friend anyway Alex. I know I messed up and I know I've been a bitch, not just to you and Casey but to so many people. I don't have a reason, or an excuse but I really am sorry"

Alex pulled the brunette into a hug "We're still friends, right?"

Abbie pulled back grinning "Best friends"

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief "So, what did you find out about Casey? Why doesn't she have any friends?"

Alex glared at the brunette "Because no one ever took any notice, no one gave her a second thought. She really is a nice girl"

Serena nodded "I wasn't exactly nice to her either, I mean, I wasn't nasty. I just didn't really care either way"

Olivia nodded her agreement "Invite her over Alex. We could have a sleepover at Abbie's"

Alex was hesitant, she wasn't sure if the redhead would want to. After they had watched the movie, Casey had almost rushed from the blonde's house. Alex had called her shortly after, a little concerned, but the redhead had assured her that she was fine, and that she'd see her on Monday.

"I don't know…"

"Try. I really would like to get to know her a little" Serena said. She did in fact want to befriend the redhead but she was also curious as to Alex's and Casey's new friendship and whether it was as innocent as the blonde had said it was.

* * *

"Casey, can I come in, I want to talk to you" Amelia Novak said as she knocked on the redhead's door.

Casey had suspected this was coming ever since Alex had come over, she knew that her Mom would be worried and to be truthful, she had a right to be.

Opening the door she gave her Mom a small smile before returning to the bed "Cassandra, I'm worried about you. You seem to be depressed again, are the tablets not working. Do we need to make another appointment with the doctor?"

"No Mom, I'm fine"

"Cassandra Leanne Novak, can you stop lying to your Mother this instant?" the older red haired woman spoke loudly and firmly

Casey sighed "I'm not taking my meds"

"Why? Cassandra, you know what happens when you don't take them"

"I've got the god damn prescription, I'll get them on Monday" Casey almost shouted as she began to cry. She tried to get away to the bathroom but her Mom grabbed her hand and pulled her back

"No, you don't run away Cassandra. You need to face up to this, why did you stop taking them and why did you not talk to me?"

"I was doing better Mom. But the doctor refused to lower the dosage and I just wanted to be normal again"

"Cassandra, I know how hard it is and I know you were doing really well. I don't want you to go back to how it was, and if the doctor thinks and by the sound of things was right, that you still need to take them then you need to listen and do what he suggests"

Casey nodded "I know Mom. I'm sorry. I'll get them on Monday"

The older woman stood as she held out her hand "Where's the prescription? I'll pop to the chemist now"

Casey reluctantly handed over the prescription and watched her Mom leave the room. When she had heard the front door open and close she let out a scream and began to cry.

* * *

Alex picked up her cell as she sat on the brunette's bed. The girls had continued to ask her to invite Casey to the sleepover, she had been putting it off until she was alone and could talk without the girls overhearing.

Abbie, Serena and Olivia had gone to the wall mart to grab some snacks and Alex was cooking dinner. She wasn't the best cook, and her culinary skills left much to be desired but she tried and the food she made was nearly always edible. She had decided that Pasta was simple and easy enough and if she added a sauce, it could taste relatively nice.

She pressed dial as she clicked on the redheads name and nervously awaited an answer

"Hello" Casey said quietly, she hadn't even bothered to look at the caller ID

Alex chuckled "It's only me"

"Hey you" Casey sounded cheerier in an instant and Alex smiled at the thought that she could have that affect on the redhead

"How are you feeling?"

Casey hated this question; it was one that always started off her therapy sessions "I'm okay. You?"

Alex smiled, hoping the redhead would feel the warmth she was generating "Good. Listen, I'm at Abbie's. Me and the girls, we were wondering if you wanted to come over for a sleepover"

"Really?"

Alex laughed "Casey, I wouldn't ask if I didn't mean it. Would you like to?"

"You haven't told them, about the Zoloft?"

Alex furrowed her brows and then recalled the name of the medication "Casey, I wouldn't betray your confidence like that, babe. Do you not trust me?"

Casey groaned "I do, I do. Sorry, I'm just nervous. Where does Abbie live?"

"About a block from you…want me to come meet you?"

"No, it's okay. I uh…my Mom's gone out; I don't want to go before she gets back. I'll see you soon though"

"Okay" Alex said furrowing her brows "Abbie has an apartment on West 90th, Number 314. I'll be outside. Call me when you're near"

"Will do and Alex, thanks"

Alex smiled "It's nothing babe. See you soon"

Alex smiled to herself as she hung up. Hopefully her friends would see how amazing the redhead was.

* * *

"Hey" Casey said, forcing a smile as she approached the blonde who was leaning against the wall outside an apartment

"Hey babe" Alex said as she gave her friend a warm hug "Come on in"

Casey looked up at the building "I'm nervous"

Alex nodded as she took her hand. It had become second nature to comfort and assure the redhead in this way, she wasn't sure when it started or why it felt comfortable and normal but it did and that was enough to tell her it was right. "Don't be. We're going to have a lovely evening watching movies and snacking, that's all"

Casey took a deep breath as she entered through the door with the blonde

"Hi Casey" Olivia said with a smile "I'm glad you came"

Casey gave a small smile. Olivia seemed genuine and Casey felt a little more relaxed seeing the warmth radiating from the brunette.

"Casey, it's great to have you here" Serena said bounding over to the redhead "Take your coat off, and come and sit"

Alex rolled her eyes. Olivia and Serena were being overly nice, and it was quite patronising really.

"Liv, Re, a word" she said as she took the redheads hand and gave it a light squeeze "I'll be back in a sec"

Serena noticed this display of affection and thought it was rather sweet. She was however a little unsure of what Alex wanted to talk about.

"Can we not be so obvious? Casey's nervous and unsure as it is, and you two are being too much"

"I thought we were being nice" Serena muttered

"You are" Alex said with a sigh "And I'm thankful for that, just don't go overboard"

Olivia nodded in understanding as she headed back, the two blonde's following.

**let me know what you think? Will Abbie apologise? **


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews. Yes, Alex has started to realise that she feels different with Casey but she's young and inexperienced and doesn't want to admit that she might like her a little more than she should. It's difficult to come out and admit you might be a lesbian or have feelings for someone of the same sex...especially when there are other situations going on. **

**(You guys are observant...I give you that)**

Chapter 7:

"So let's get this party started" Abbie said as the four girls entered her living room

"Uh, Abbie" Olivia said looking across at Alex and the still very nervous redhead

"Oh sorry, Hey Casey" Abbie said with a smile, as she offered her hand "Truce"

Alex rolled her eyes at the lame attempt at an apology, and she noticed Casey trembling slightly beside her. Squeezing the redheads hand she looked at her reassuringly.

Casey took the brunette's hand and shook it lightly "Truce" she almost whispered

The brunette pulled away quickly and began laying out her DVD's "I've got quite a wide selection. How about we all pick one and we'll see how far we get into them. It's only 4pm, so we've got plenty of time"

The girls baring Casey began shifting through the selection, joking about each other's tastes and choices. The redhead was trying to relax but she couldn't help feeling that she was intruding.

"Come and choose one Casey" Olivia said with a smile as she noticed the redhead was still a little way behind them. She had been trying to figure out why Alex had been so defensive of the redhead and she knew that there was something going on with the redhead that had worried Alex.

"It's okay. I don't mind what we watch" the redhead nervously answered. She was having difficulty making eye contact for fear that her secrets would be revealed

Alex glanced over her shoulder and immediately noticed that Casey seemed out of her depth. She sighed, and approached her friend. Olivia was trying to coax the redhead over but it looked as if she'd cry any minute.

"Casey, Are you okay babe?" the blonde asked, as she rubbed the redheads shoulder

Serena smiled at the term of endearment used by the blonde. She knew that Alex had feelings for the redhead and she was happy for her, but she wondered why the blonde had denied it.

The redhead nodded, but her gaze was still fixated on the floor as she sat down on the couch. Abbie furrowed her brows at the withdrawn redhead and realised that there was something going on that she hadn't realised before. Alex's words about Casey needed a friend came back to her and she wondered what the problem was. She did feel a little guilty that she had pushed the redhead and she wondered if she had somehow caused the redhead to have some sort of breakdown.

"Is she okay, Alex?" she asked the blonde quietly

Alex shrugged her shoulders "Can you give us a moment?"

The three friends exchanged glances but shuffled out of the room. Alex sat next to the red and tentatively touched her shoulder.

"Casey? What's wrong?"

"I told my Mom"

"About the meds?"

Casey nodded "She went to the pharmacy and got the prescription off"

"Have you got them with you?"

Casey nodded "In my bag. I have to take them in the evening"

"You can use the bathroom when we get into our jammies, they don't need to know" Alex said quietly

"I don't want to take them"

"Why ever not!" Alex exclaimed before sighing and allowing her voice to become gentler "Casey, you need them"

"Alex, I think I should just go home"

Alex pulled the redhead into her arms "Casey, I can't force you stay and if you really want to go, then I'll walk you home but babe, Re and Liv want you here"

"Abbie doesn't"

Alex sighed "I think she's just jealous Casey"

"Of me"

"Babe, Abbie likes to be the centre of attention and because I'm not constantly with her, she's just getting a little envious. I want you here babe"

"You keep calling me that Alex"

"What?" Alex says raising a brow

"Babe"

The blonde pulls away gently, looking down at the redhead. She opens her mouth to speak, she's about to deny it until she realises how much she's been saying it. She doesn't remember when it began and to be honest she realises, much like the physical contact that it just feels natural.

"I…is that not okay?"

Casey chuckles "Alex, its fine. I think it's sweet. Thank you"

"What are you thanking me for?"

Casey chuckles again "For listening to me, letting me unload, and reassuring me"

"You're welcome" Alex says with a smile giving Casey a squeeze "Just relax okay"

The redhead nodded as Alex stood up and walked out into the hall "You can come back in now. She just needed a minute. It's a bit overwhelming, just go easy on her"

"Alex, what's going on?" Abbie asked, she was always blunt and to the point

"Like I said, this is new to her, okay"

Olivia could see that Abbie was pushing for information and decided to step in. While she was curious and wanted to know just as much what was going on, she knew that if they wanted to discuss it, they would.

"I don't know about you, but I'm rather hungry" the brunette said as Abbie continued to silently ask questions with her eyes as they bore into the blonde

"I made some pasta earlier" Alex said with a smile, glad of the topic change "Casey, we're gonna have something to eat"

"I'm not really hungry" the redhead replied as she moved from her space on the couch and walked out into the hall. On seeing the look Alex gave her she sighed "But I'll have a little bit, I guess"

"Good" the blonde said although she smiled, she couldn't wait until the redhead took her medication. It worried her to see someone so quiet and withdrawn and obviously not taking care of themselves.

* * *

"So Casey, what do you do at Thanksgiving?" Serena asked

The 5 girls were settled in Abbie's bedroom, they had just finished watching 'The Proposal", which had been Abbie's choice while eating the pasta. Casey had eaten a small amount, and Alex decided not to make a deal out of it in front of the other girls. She was trying to be careful not to alert any suspicions but she had a feeling that they all knew something was going on.

Serena had also noticed how the redhead was leaning on Alex, and how the blonde had her arm protectively around her shoulders as they leant against the bed. The other three girls were situated opposite

Casey gave a small smile "It's just me and my Mom. We don't bother with the Turkey, but we have Chicken and some vegetables and then we sit in the backyard and talk"

Serena smiled at the response "Are you and your Mom close?" she asked

Casey nodded "Yeah, we are"

Alex gave her a reassuring squeeze as the redhead spoke. She had been glad that Casey had seemed to relax a little more during the film and wondered if it had anything to do with the way she was being held.

"What about you Alex, what are you doing this year?" Serena asked

"Same as last year you know. Mom, Dad, Me and Ari, big dinner, turkey and all the trimmings"

"Sounds fun" Olivia chuckled

"What do you do Olivia?" the redhead asked

"We don't really celebrate it. It's just me and Mom" Olivia said quietly

Abbie gave the brunette a sad smile "You could always come over here Liv if you needed to get away"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course Liv, I'd love to have you over. I'm on my own anyway" Abbie told Olivia

Casey wanted to know why Olivia didn't want to spend it with her Mom, but she wasn't confident enough to ask and wasn't sure if it was a personal subject.

"I'm with Dad this year" Serena told them

"Serena's parents are divorced" Alex explains to Casey "They alternate holidays"

Casey nodded her understanding "That must be hard"

Serena chuckled "Not at all. It was a very amicable divorce. My parents are still very good friends. What about you Case, where's your Father?"

Casey looked at Alex, her eyes showing her fear and she silently begged for help

"Who wants a drink?" Alex asked, trying to think quickly

"Yeah, can do" Abbie said raising a brow as Olivia nodded.

"Come and give me a hand Casey"

"I'm guessing her Father is a sensitive subject" Serena sighed sighing

"I think everything is with Casey" Abbie said

"Abbie!" Olivia chastised the slim brunette "She's obviously got a lot on her mind right now but I'm glad she has Alex"

"Yeah, me too" Serena said "Alex really likes Casey…did you see how they were snuggled up?"

Olivia nodded "Yeah and how Alex keeps calling her babe. I don't think I've ever heard her do that before"

"I know something's going on with Casey, but don't you think that Alex making moves on her is going to help?" Abbie asked

Olivia shrugged "Honestly, I don't think Alex realises. It seems really natural for them. I personally am happy for them"

"Me too" Serena agreed "Alex deserves someone"

"She does. Alex just gets a little attached and I know she hasn't really dated before"

"Unlike you" Serena joked

"Oh shut up Re. So, I've had a few boyfriends…"

Olivia laughed "Abs, how many guys have you slept with?"

"You make me sound like a right whore"

"Where do you keep your sex toys Abs?" Serena asked

"Re…!"

"You have got some haven't you?"

"Of course I have. I can't believe we're talking about this" Abbie sighed

"Do you use them a lot?" Serena asked as she lowered her eyes at the brunette who blushed

"I am not going to answer any of your questions Serena, so give up"

The blonde shuffled herself closer to the brunette "Where are they?" she whispered causing Olivia to laugh at the obvious flirtation in her friends voice

Abbie glared at her, before looking square in the eyes of the blonde "Not telling"

"Then I'll just have to look" she said, uncurling her legs and hoisting herself up

Abbie gasped as she grabbed the blonde "Sit down Re"

Olivia was still laughing at the brunette's obvious embarrassment, while in the kitchen Alex was trying to calm a panicking Casey.

**Next Chapter should be up tomorrow some time. I am really enjoying this write...and I hope you are too. I am trying to update my A/O stories but it seems my muse has other ideas right now. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I seem to be on a roll with this one. I find myself having more ideas and writing down bits throughout the day. I was in town doing some last minute shopping, but I kept stopping to write down little bits before I forgot and when I got home, it sort of came out so easily.**

**You guys inspire me with your reviews, so I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. **

**So thank you to Tripperz for a really cute idea and I did use it in here...although it went differently to maybe how you expected or had thought out, but hope you like it. I credit you in this chapter. **

**Thanks for Lexie, I'll credit you too. I did already have the thought about Olivia talking to Casey, so thank you for your idea, it spurred me on. **

**Surfrider: Yes Abbie has had boyfriends...but that isn't the end of that story...I promise**

**Thanks to Madds21 as well for your reviews, always makes me smile :)**

Chapter 8:

"Casey babe, calm down okay. Serena meant nothing by it, it was just a question" Alex said as she took the redheads hands in her own, effectively stopping the redheads frantic pacing.

Casey refused to look at the blonde, her tears lining her cheeks as her body shook. Alex tentatively touched the redhead's cheek as she lifted her head and wiped the tears.

"Casey, look at me. You need to calm down"

The redhead sobbed harder, she couldn't find the words to express how she felt. Alex sighed as she led the redhead out of the kitchen, but Casey stopped, routed to the spot as she found her voice

"I can't go back in there Alex"

"Yes, you can. You're going to take a deep breath, and walk in there with me. We'll sit down and watch a film, and they won't ask questions. You don't need to worry"

Casey shook her head "Alex, I can't, they know something's going on. I can't tell them…I just can't"

"Casey, stay here. I'm going to get Olivia"

"No, Alex don't tell her"

"Olivia is going to talk to you…and you'll talk to her. Trust me on this okay"

"Alex, please don't make me do this" Casey sobbed

The blonde touched the redheads shoulder before heading back into Abbie's bedroom.

"Is everything okay Alex?" Serena asked as she noticed the blonde standing in the doorway, nervously rubbing her neck

"Olivia, can you come in the kitchen?" Alex asked before looking over at Serena "its okay"

Olivia stood as she followed Alex out into the hall; she turned and looked at the blonde "Alex?" she questioned

"I need you to tell Casey about your Mom"

"Why, what's wrong?" Olivia asked wide eyed before a thought crossed her mind and she clamped her hand over her mouth "Was she…did someone?"

Alex knew what the brunette was asking and shook her head "No, nothing like that. It's the father thing…she just…trust me"

"You know I don't tell people about this Alex?"

"I know, and I would never ask you, but I'm at a total loss on how to help her. I really think this will help"

Olivia nodded, her friend had been worrying her a little, she knew that Alex liked Casey and she had suspected it went further but she also knew something was going on with the redhead.

Casey looked up when she heard footsteps, she had managed to stop the tears but on seeing the concerned and sad look on Alex's face set her off again. Alex approached her and pulled her into a hug "Shh babe. It's okay"

"Casey?" Olivia said tentatively "Come into the living room a minute"

Casey looked up at the sincere look on the brunette's face and then at Alex who nodded "I'll be here if you need me"

"Come with me, please" Casey whispered

Olivia smiled gently "I'm not going to hurt you Casey"

"I know" the redhead said quietly "Alex just makes me feel safe"

The blonde smiled as she took the redheads hand "I'm here Case, and you are safe"

Olivia gave a small smile as she entered the living room "Sit down Casey"

"Olivia, I don't know what you're going to say…but"

"Just listen to me okay, and call me Liv" the brunette sat down and gave the redhead a small smile "I don't know why you're so worked up, or what's going on but I know there something is and you don't have to tell me but I want to tell you something. Only a handful of people know this"

Casey furrowed her brows as she watched Olivia take a deep breath. She could tell the brunette was nervous but she wasn't sure why.

"Olivia"

"Just listen. My Mom, she's an alcoholic. When she was at college, she was walking home and she was raped, 9 months later, I was born. My Father is a rapist, and I have no idea who he is, not a clue"

Casey looked at the brunette who looked frightfully composed and shook her head "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I know that something is going on and your Father is obviously a sensitive subject. A friend of Alex's is a friend of mine"

Casey shook her head "Thank you…I can't…"

"You don't have to tell me anything Casey, you have no reason to trust any of us but I just want you to know, you can talk to me. Whatever you are going through, you're not alone. Before I met Alex and Re, and Abs I thought I had no one. My Mom hates me, I remind her of him and what he did, you have your Mom Casey, whatever you are feeling, you have people that care about you"

Casey nodded, wiping her tears "Thank you Liv"

The brunette smiled "It's nothing. Come on, I believe it's my DVD choice and I don't want to miss it"

"Yay, Hot Fuzz!" Alex exclaimed with a chuckle. She had hoped that Casey may open up a little, but she realised she was asking a lot from someone who until recently had feared her and her friends.

The redhead smiled "It's a pretty good film"

"Isn't it just? Alex here thinks all cop movies are ridiculous"

"How can you not like Hot Fuzz?!" Casey asked incredulously "It's hilarious"

Alex smiled at the brighter mood of her friend as they exited the living room.

* * *

Serena nudged Olivia as she looked over at Alex and Casey. The redhead had fallen asleep against the blonde's shoulder, her head had slipped slightly and it was resting on the Alex's shoulder, her hand was resting on the blonde's abdomen while Alex had her arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder. She placed a gentle kiss on the redheads forehead and then looked up at the smirking faces of her friends

"What?" she asked

"You" Serena said with a smile "You like her, and don't deny it Alex"

Alex sighed "She's amazing Re, of course I like her"

"You know that isn't what I meant Alex"

"I'm not a lesbian" Alex felt the need to reiterate this again

"Okay…I'm just going to say it. You're falling for Casey"

"I am not!" Alex said causing Casey to jolt awake

"Lex" she whispered "You okay?"

"Hmm yeah, you go back to sleep babe"

The redhead sighed sleepily as she closed her eyes again and drifted back into slumber land

Olivia looked at the blonde "Alex, its okay to have feelings for her"

The blonde sighed "She's beautiful isn't she?"

Serena pursed her lips "Alex, you know we're always here if you need to talk. If you like Casey then why not go for it"

"One, I have no idea if she's even into girls, or what her experience is with dating and…you know I'm a total novice. Secondly, she's having a hard time and needs a friend, not someone who is pouring out there feelings. And thirdly, I'm shit scared, okay. About everything"

Serena nodded "What is up with her Alex?"

"She'll tell us in her own time Re" Olivia cut in, knowing that Alex would not betray the redheads confidence.

"What did you have to talk to her about Liv?"

The brunette sighed "I told her about my Mom"

Serena raised her eyebrows "Wow. It took us years to find that out"

"Alex said that Casey needed to hear it. I've realised, that I can't hide it forever and to be honest, I don't want to"

The blonde nodded before turning back to Alex "Don't deny something that you know is right Alex"

"I feel so comfortable with her. Everything is so natural…you know. I've never been a touchy feely kind of girl, but hugging her, and holding her like this, it just feels right"

"I can tell. And the way you talk to her Alex, calling her babe, it's so unlike you, but I can see how natural it feels for you and she called you Lex"

"She was half asleep, she hasn't done that before"

"She looks relaxed and so content with you Alex" Serena observed

"And she told me that you make her feels safe" Olivia said reminding the blonde

"She's such a lovely girl. I can't believe I was ever nasty to her?"

"She forgives you. That shows me enough to know that you two are going to be friends for a long time, and it shows me that you are comfortable with one another" Serena mused

Just then the door opened and Abbie came bounding into the room "What have I missed? God, it's cold out there"

Abbie had gone to the local bodega to get some more coca cola, after they had drunk the last bottle.

Before any of the girls had a chance to speak, she glanced at Alex and Casey and smiled "Aww. You two are so cute together"

"Abs, please" Alex begged "We've already had this discussion, I don't want to repeat it right now"

The brunette looked over at Serena and Olivia as she sat down "Okay. So what shall we talk about?"

"How about where you're vibrators are?" Serena suggested, causing Olivia to laugh while Abbie turned a rather fetching shade of pink

"Re, I told you to drop it"

"But I want to know!" Serena exclaimed "I know you have some"

Alex decided to take pity on her best friend "Re, leave Abbie alone"

"I was just teasing" the blonde said sighing

"I know you were, it just makes me a little uncomfortable" Abbie said squirming

"Sorry" Serena mumbled

Olivia and Alex exchanged glances and the brunette nodded "Let's watch another film. It was meant to be Casey's turn but she's sleeping so, Alex?"

"Legally blonde it is" Abbie said laughing

"Oh come on, you know I love that film" Alex said defensively "And so does Casey"

"She likes Hot Fuzz too" Serena reminded her

"She has good taste" Olivia said

"Okay, can we just put the film on" Alex sighed "And let Casey sleep"

* * *

Alex gently roused the redhead beside her, she glanced at the clock. It was nearly 11pm.

"Hmm?" Casey mumbled "I'm sleeping"

Alex chuckled "Wake up Case, come on baby"

"Go away"

Alex laughed as she gently shook the redhead "Casey, I want to sleep to. But not on the floor, wake up"

Casey opened her eyes as she jumped back "Alex! Sorry, I'm so sorry"

Alex chuckled again "Its fine baby. Now get up so I can go to the toilet and get my pyjamas on and you need to take your meds"

Casey swallowed and nodded as she moved "Okay"

"There's a bottle of water over there. The girls are in the living room…okay"

Casey nodded again and murmured "Thanks"

As Alex went into the bathroom, Casey looked down at the packet of pills. She sighed and shook her head before taking the small tablet from the foil and placing it in her mouth. As she lifted to the water to her lips, she stopped before removing it from her mouth and placing it in a tissue.

_'I don't need it. I have Alex, she'll keep me safe. I'm fine'_ she thought, her hands trembling as she sat allowing a tear to slide down her cheeks.

**Your thoughts please. **


	9. Chapter 9

**I would like to thank you for your continuing support and reviews, it really means a lot to me and I am forever grateful that you are enjoying what I am writing. I think this is the first time that I've really happy about where I'm taking this. **

**So, here's Chapter 9 and I hope you enjoy it. **

Chapter 9:

"Where did Casey run off to last night?" Serena asked as she and Alex sat in the coffee shop a week after the sleepover. The previous evening the girls had gone out for a meal and everything seemed to be going smoothly until the food arrived. Casey had ordered a bowl of pasta but she had barely eaten anything. Alex had confronted her about it and Casey had gone defensive and excused herself.

"She went home I guess" Alex sighed running her hand through her hair

"How are you guys getting on? I mean, have you talked to her about how you feel?"

"No Re and I'm not going to. She has a lot on her plate right now and she doesn't need it. Just drop it, please" Alex almost begged her friend

"Okay. I'm just worried about you. You're trying to be a friend to someone that you like more than just a friend, it's unhealthy if you just keep suppressing everything"

"I'm fine Re. Casey needs me" Alex said "She needs me"

Serena shook her head "She doesn't seem to want you at the moment; you keep staring at that phone. How many times have you text her?"

"I've lost count. Re, I'm worried about her"

Alex had tried to be accommodating, she had tried giving Casey space, and she had thought the redhead trusted her. On a few occasions, Alex had noticed how red Casey's eyes had been and tried to find out what was bothering her. She wanted to trust that Casey was taking her medication but she wasn't convinced as it seemed that the redhead was spiralling further and further into herself. She was barely eating, and she looked tired all the time.

"Alex, I'm not asking you to betray Casey. I'm just asking, is there anything I can help with. My Mom's a Doctor, if Casey's got an eating disorder or something, I mean…I can see what my Mom suggests" Serena said gently.

She had wanted to approach the subject last night but she didn't want to ruin the meal they were having any further by upsetting the blonde. She had already been quiet after Casey had left and they all knew she was thinking hard about things.

"She hasn't got an eating disorder Re" Alex defended but to be honest, she wasn't sure of anything at the moment

"I'm just saying, if you need advice, My Mom would be able to help"

Alex nodded; she wanted to know more about how depression affects people and how the medication helps. She didn't want to confront Casey until she had facts.

"I'll talk to her, I think. But don't say anything to the others Re"

"I won't. I mean, me and Abbie aren't really talking. I think I sort of riled her a little with all that talk about her you know, toys" Serena said quietly, glancing over her shoulder as she spoke

Alex chuckled "I think there's more to it than that Re."

"What do you mean?"

"Abbie likes you"

Serena furrowed her brows but gasped as she recognised the look on her friends face "You mean, like you like Casey"

"She was really excited when you confirmed you liked girls"

"But she's straight; I mean she's not exactly a novice at sex and relationships"

Alex shook her head "She's not straight Re. She's Bi. She's dated girls as well. I know she's kissed a few but how far she's gone I have no idea"

"But she slept with Andy and I'm sure she slept with Joe too and Rick"

"Okay, Okay…you're oblivious. Why do you think she's getting riled about your teasing Re? Abbie's usually the most open person when it comes to that stuff" Alex said sighing

"Oh my god" Serena gasped "You're serious aren't you?"

"You need to talk to Abbie. Do you like her?"

"I thought that was obvious" Serena muttered "I've liked her for a long time. That's why I don't want you to keep hiding your feelings, I know how it feels"

"Then talk to her. Casey needs me as a friend first and foremost; I'm not saying I'll never tell her. I just…not now"

Serena nodded "I won't say anything. Shall I call my Mom now? She's home today"

Alex nodded "Thanks"

Serena touched her friends arm "What are friends for eh?"

* * *

"Hey Alex, Serena said you wanted some advice. Is everything okay?" Miss Southerlyn asked

"I kind of wanted to ask about depression. I mean, how long does it last and do people ever get better?" Alex said quietly, she was nervous and unsure about talking to Serena's Mom about this, she felt she was breaking confidence but at the same time, she was worried and she needed to be certain on how to help Casey.

"Is everything okay Alex, you're okay?" the older woman asked, looking concernedly at the blonde

"Oh yeah, it's just a friend I'm worried about. I'm good" Alex said with a small smile

"Well, typically I'd suggest therapy or some sort of counselling"

"She is seeing someone, and she's on medication"

"She's taking the right steps"

"With medication, how long does it take to work?" Alex asked

"Typically, you start to see changes at about two weeks"

"She's been on them years, and came off of them. She says she's taking them but she's getting worse"

"Don't confront her. Just relay your concerns. Is there someone you can talk to about your concerns, someone close to her maybe?"

"There's her Mom, but I don't want to break her trust" Alex said, as she ran a hand through her hair

"This is a lot for you to deal on your own" Miss Southerlyn said as she moved to sit beside her "I'm glad you came to me with these questions, but you need someone to talk to as well"

"I know, I just want to help her" Alex said quietly

"Talk to her. She'll be angry and she might deny that there's anything wrong but you're worried and it's eating at you. She needs to see she's hurting you too"

* * *

"Hi Alex, is everything okay?" Mrs Novak asked

"Is Casey in?" Alex asked, ignoring the question. She had been crying and her eyes were really red and sore and she was struggling to withhold the tears that were still threatening to fall

"Um, yes she is. Are you okay Alex?"

"I'm fine. I just need to talk to Case" Alex said choking back the emotion

Mrs Novak furrowed her brows but didn't push the blonde.

"Cassandra, can you come down a minute?!" Mrs Novak called up the stairs before turning back to Alex "Come in dear"

Alex mumbled her thanks, and crossed her arms in comfort as she waited for Casey to appear.

"What's up Mom?" she said and then caught sight of her obviously emotional friend "Alex? What's wrong Al?"

"Can I talk to you?" Alex asked, trying to compose herself

"Take Alex up to your room Cassandra, if you need anything girls, just give me a call"

"Thanks Mom" Casey said as she led Alex upstairs. Once inside her room the redhead turned to Alex "Lex, what's going on?"

"I'm worried about you Case. It's killing me, I can't sleep because I'm so fucking scared" Alex didn't mean to sound harsh and she didn't often use explicates.

"Well, you don't need to worry" Casey almost murmured

Alex glared at her "I don't? So you're fine are you Case? You're eating three meals a day, and sleeping a full 7 hours?"

"I…uh"

"Exactly Casey, that's exactly why I'm worried about you. You mean a lot to me, and it hurts to see you like this. Talk to me"

"I'm…Alex, I'm okay"

"You hesitate every time you say that, and I know you're lying"

"What do you want me to say?" Casey asked, the tears in Alex's eyes causing her to get emotional. She knew it would only be a matter of time before the blonde confronted her.

"I want you to stop lying, I want you to talk to me, and tell me what you're feeling"

"So, I'm struggling a little but I'm fine really"

"You're still lying to me Casey. You tell me you're taking your medication but I know you're not" Alex knew she shouldn't confront her, but she was at a loss on how to help her friend

"I am"

"Stop freaking lying to me. I can't do this Casey; I can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself. Call me when you feel like telling me the truth" Alex bit out as she turned on her heel

She ran down the stairs "Alex?" Mrs Novak questioned

"I've got to go"

As Alex ran out down the path she heard Casey calling her "Alex, don't go. Please, I need you. I'm sorry"

"Cassandra? What just happened up there?" Mrs Novak asked tentatively

"I just ruined a perfectly good friendship, that's what" Casey began to cry "I'm such a messed up idiot"

"Hey" Mrs Novak pulled her daughter into her arms "You're not. Don't put yourself down like that"

"It's true though Mom. I fucked it up"

"Language Cassandra" the older woman warned "Alex will come round"

"I need to talk to her Mom. I need her to know that I didn't mean to hurt her. I just want to feel normal again Mom, I can't sleep because all I see is his face, all I see is him. I don't want to eat and I don't want to take my meds either"

"Cassandra? You've stopped taking them again haven't you?"

"I never took them in the first place Mom, I just made out I was because I knew you'd force me to"

"I can't force you to do anything, but I can suggest you take them and make an appointment with Keisha"

"I will Mom. I just…Alex is great, and she cares about me, I can tell. I just…I feel like I shouldn't be happy, that I don't deserve it"

"You deserve every good thing that comes your way Cassandra, you're bright and smart and I know Alex really cares about you and that it is hurting her…she looked really upset, can you see how much you're hurting her?"

"I know Mom" Casey sobbed "Can I go after her, please?"

"I want you to make an appointment with Keisha first, and then call Alex, apologise and invite her over. Talk to her…and I mean talk to her, honestly and openly"

"I'm scared Mom"

"What of?"

"Everything, I want to be happy but I know things are going to change. Alex has applied for Harvard Mom, and I know she'll get in, and I hadn't even thought about what I want to do"

"You'll figure it out Cassandra"

"But I don't want to, Mom. I need Alex, I need my friends and Serena and Abbie want Harvard as well. Olivia is going to NYU and I thought that was where I wanted to go, but I don't know anymore"

"Listen; don't worry about that right now. We'll sit down and figure it out sweetheart. You need to get yourself back on track first"

Casey nodded "I'll call Keisha"

* * *

"Alex, it's me"

"Yeah" Alex said harshly as she sat cross legged on her bed

"Can you come over; I think we need to talk?"

"So you can lie again and say that everything's fine"

"I don't want to hurt you Alex, I'm sorry" Casey said, almost choking on her words as the tears fell

"Case? Don't cry, please. I didn't mean to get angry with you"

"I need you Alex" Casey sobbed

"Casey, are you okay? You're not going to do anything silly"

"No, I…I need you, please"

"Okay, listen babe. I'll be over as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay"

Alex ended the call, clambering off the bed. She had been angry at Casey's denial but hearing how distraught the redhead was, she was concerned. She couldn't leave the redhead when she was almost begging for her to come over.

**Before I get you asking if Casey's suicidal, no she isn't. There's a lot more to her story than she's telling Alex (and her Mom)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Again thank you for your reviews. I know I say that with every chapter I post, but seriously, I mean it. Reading them makes me want to continue and I am glad you are still reading...I hope that I can answer your questions as the story continues. **

**Tripperz: I'm not too sure what Casey's feelings are for Alex. She needs Alex because she makes her feel safe, and I suppose that shows that she feels something for Alex. I think you are right, with the whole Harvard thing, and I am glad you mentioned that, because I'll address Alex's feelings on that in this chapter. **

**Madds21: Yep, you're right about that. It's hurting her more than I think Casey realises**

**Thanks to Lexie, Blitz1030 and Briannav123 for you're continued support as well. **

Chapter 10:

"Come in Alex. Casey's in the sitting room" Mrs Novak said

"Thanks Mrs Novak, how is she?"

"She's having a rough time, as you know and please call me Amelia"

"I really do care about your daughter Amelia" Alex told her

"I know you do, and I know she cares about you too. Please, be gentle" Amelia Novak said, she knew that Alex wouldn't intentionally upset Casey but she felt she had to say it anyway.

Alex nodded as she entered the living room. Casey was curled into a ball on the couch, her eyes were red and she was trembling.

"Case" Alex said gently

The redhead lifted her head and literally flew off the couch, wrapping her arms around the blonde who was a little taken aback as the redhead sobbed into her shoulder. Alex embraced the redhead, rubbing her back gently

Amelia Novak watched the scene before and smiled, she could tell how close these two girls were and she was pleased that her daughter had found someone as nice and as understanding as Alex

"Casey, come and sit down babe" Alex whispered

Casey nodded as she walked back over the couch; she sat down and wiped her eyes "I don't ever mean to hurt you Alex"

The blonde nodded "I know but you hurting, it hurts me more than you know"

"I'm sorry"

Alex wrapped her arm around her friend "Don't be sorry, just get better okay. Talk to me, please"

"I'm so scared Alex. I want to be normal, I don't want to have to take happy pills for the rest of my life, but without them I'm a mess"

"No, you're not. You're just struggling"

"No, Alex. I can't sleep because I have nightmares, I can't eat because I just want to throw up all the time. I'm shit scared of leaving school and college and not being with you"

Alex's heart felt like it had stopped beating at the redhead's words "I'm always here Casey. I know that it's scary going to college and I know you've not had it easy making friends and heck, I haven't exactly been nice to you have I?"

"I told you Al, not to worry about that, that I forgive you. You're here now and that's all that matters"

"Sorry, what are we talking about now?" Amelia asked as she looked at the two girls

Casey had almost forgotten her Mom was in the same room, and Alex was embarrassed and nervous as she remembered the woman sitting opposite them.

"Mrs Novak, I am really sorry, you must know that. But I was nasty and rude to Casey, and I regret that I really do. But I can see how lovely she is, and she's a great girl and she's become someone I care deeply about" Alex explained

"Lex, you've apologised enough" Casey reiterated her point

"We'll discuss this later Cassandra" the older woman said, as Alex's heart sank. She knew that Casey would be questioned and that she might be banished from coming round once the redheads Mom found out how bad she had treated Casey.

"Mom, Can I talk to Alex alone? Please"

Amelia Novak nodded before standing "I'm down the hall if you need me Cassandra"

Once Casey's Mom had left the redhead turned to Alex "Don't you worry, my Mom just likes to know things. It'll be fine. Alex, I need you to do something for me"

"Anything" Alex replied without thinking. She would do anything the redhead asked, that she was certain of

"Tell my Mom I'm staying with you…I'm going away, I need to get out of the city"

"Casey, I can't lie to your Mom"

"You said you'd do anything"

"Except that, Case. Where are you planning on going, where will you stay?"

"I don't know yet. I just need to get my shit together"

"You can do that here and we'll help you. I'll help you. Casey, you need your family and your friends"

"I need to sort stuff out Alex. I can't do that if I'm worried about how you'll react"

"What do you mean?" Alex furrowed her brows. The redhead wasn't making much sense.

"I need you Alex. I need you to keep me safe but I need to work through things, and I can't keep you safe"

"Case, you're making no sense at all"

"I need time; I can't deal with everything at once. I'm scared Al, I'm scared" Casey began to cry

"Casey, look at me. It's okay to be scared; it's okay to cry, to scream, to get angry. It's okay to need people. I need you, I need to know you're safe, that you're getting help and if you are off in another state or something, I can't take care of you like I want to"

"Alex?"

"Casey, you are amazing. You are a great girl, you're kind, smart, you have a great sense of humour, you're sweet and pretty and everything that I want"

"Alex? I can't…you…I mean…I can't. Al, please"

"No" Alex says firmly "I don't care if you hate me. I don't care if you resent me, but I am not letting you do this by yourself"

"Al?"

Alex stood and walked out of the living room and down the hall "Mrs Novak. I'm going to go home. Casey says she wants me to lie and say she's staying with me, while she leaves the city. I can't let her do that, so I'm telling you what she's planning and I'm telling you, that I care for Casey more than she'll ever know but I can't do this anymore. I can't watch her self destruct"

"Alex? Don't go. I'll talk to her" the older woman said standing up

"I have to go"

Amelia Novak accepted the blondes need to leave, but she was concerned about how this young girl was coping. She knew that the blonde liked Casey and she had an inkling that it went further but her daughter had always been naïve and innocent. It was likely the redhead was oblivious to the blonde's true feelings.

* * *

"Alex, you've been really quiet since you got here" Abbie observed as Alex curled herself into the edge of the couch

"Is everything okay Ali Baba" Serena asked, using the affectionate term that she had for the blonde. When they were younger, she would always refer to her friend by this but as they had grown up; its use had become less frequent.

Alex shrugged and then shook her head "Not really"

"It's Casey isn't it?" Serena asked. After Alex had spoken to her Mom, she had tried to find out what they were talking about, but her Mom had told her it was confidential and that Alex would discuss it when she could, or if she wanted.

Alex nodded "She's…its complicated"

"Did you ask her out?" Abbie asked causing Serena and Olivia to glare at her.

Olivia furrowed her brows as Alex shook her head "I literally poured out my feelings but either she just ignored them or was oblivious to what I meant. But that's not all, and before you ask, I can't say"

"We don't expect you to" Serena said gently

"But we want you to know that we are here for you, and Casey if she needs us" Olivia added

"Al, I know you probably think I'm just being nosey and nasty but do you really think this is a good idea. Getting involved like this?" Abbie asked

"It probably isn't, but I really like her Abs and whether she likes me in that way, I care about her as a friend and she's going through a real hard time. I can't walk away, yet I can't stand and watch her hurting"

"Have you told her this?" Abbie asked

"Yes. I've told her and I walked out on her and now I feel terrible. She keeps texting me, saying that she's sorry, that she just wants to talk. But every time I go over, she doesn't talk, she just shuts me out and pretends things are fine…she won't open up to me"

* * *

"Alex honey, this came for you" Caroline Cabot said handing her daughter an envelope "It's from Harvard"

Alex paled about ten shades. If she had received this letter last month, she'd have ripped it open in anticipation, but now she was staring at it as if it had grown two heads. She didn't want to read it. She didn't want to know.

"Well, aren't you going to open it?" Arianne said from the doorway

"Not right now. I uh, need to do a few things first"

"What's more important than a letter from Harvard?" Arianne asked raising a brow

"I need to talk to someone first" Alex answered, trying to avoid her Mother's gaze

"Alexandra? Why aren't you excited? What's going on?"

"It's complicated Mom"

"Is it a boy? Are you dating someone?"

"No Mom, I'm not dating anyone. I just need to figure out a few things" Alex replied, looking down at the envelope again before folding it and putting it in her back pocket.

Caroline Cabot knew better than anyone that her daughter would come to her when she was ready. She knew that something had been up with the blonde recently, but she trusted Alex, she trusted she would figure it out.

* * *

"Alex!" Serena called as she looked out of her bedroom window. She had been looking at the stars as it drew close to 9pm.

"Can I come up Re?" Alex asked

"Hang on; I'll come let you in"

Alex waited patiently on the doorstep of the Southerlyn home. Serena lived with her Mom, although she saw her Father regularly.

"Alex, what are you doing here?" the blonde asked as she opened the door, taking in her friend's appearance "What is it?"

"I need to talk to you Re"

"Okay" Serena said, she was concerned and her voice showed that worry evidently

She led Alex into the living room. Alex stopped at the door and removed a letter from her back pocket "This came today"

Serena raised a brow, but then gasped when she saw the Harvard stamp "Did you open it yet?"

"No" Alex answered "I can't"

"Why?" Serena asked

Alex shook her head "Has yours come?"

"Not yet. But my initial is S remember, so if they're going alphabetically"

"Has Abbie?"

Serena shrugged "She hasn't called"

"What if I got in?" Alex asked

"Then that's amazing. Alex, why can't you open it?"

"I can't leave Casey"

Serena sighed "Al, term doesn't start until October"

"But I can't go without Casey"

"You're serious aren't you? You're in deeper than I thought" Serena shook her head "You need to tell her and deal with her reaction or just move on, Al"

"I can't tell her, not yet. I don't want to know if I got in, It'd really hurt her"

"Is this about what happened this morning?"

"Yes, and No, I don't know. Re, this would destroy her"

"Did you answer her texts earlier?"

"No, I couldn't. Re, if I tell you something, you cannot repeat it to anyone. Not Abs, not Liv, nobody"

"Alex? What are you asking?"

"If I tell you about Casey…will you not tell anyone else?"

"Al? You'll be breaking her confidence"

"I know" Alex sighed "But I have to tell someone"

Serena didn't want to know, not if it meant that Alex would be breaking confidence. Casey trusted the blonde, she trusted her and if Alex broke that trust, even without Casey knowing, it could cause further problems.

**What do you think? Should Alex tell Serena? Did she get into Harvard and will she open the letter? What about Casey? **


	11. Chapter 11

**I always love it when we're on the same page! **

**Surfrider:I guess she is LOL. I live in the UK and our schooling is different from that of the US but from what I understand, High School finishes when you are 18, and then you go onto college as an undergraduate for four years before you choose your career path and go onto Graduate or Professional school, so for Alex it would be Harvard Law. Correct me if I'm wrong, however this may be slightly AU now if that's the case as I've already started with this part of the story. **

**Anyway, here we go...with the next chapter. (Wrote this really early this morning and have just re-read and checked it. I hope it reads okay)**

Chapter 11:

"Alex, you need to talk to someone, I understand that and I agree but it has to be someone that doesn't know Casey" Serena said sighing

"I need to tell you Re. You are one of my best friends, and you're Casey's friend too"

"Alex, please. I don't want to know, not without her consent. You can't betray her like that" Serena said. She was frightened of what Alex would tell her, there was something about the redhead that worried her and she had inklings about some things but she couldn't let Alex break Casey's confidence

"I thought you were my friend Re, I can't keep this in any longer. Seeing her so depressed is killing me and I'm so worried about her"

Serena shook her head; she had heard Alex's words. Casey was depressed, that was all she needed to know.

"I am. Al, I heard you. But you can't tell me anything else about it. Casey's depressed, and you spoke to my Mom, I know you're helping her. I get why you can't open that letter but Alex, you already know what it says. You're so freaking clever, I have no doubt that you got in"

Alex nodded, she had already accepted that "I know Re, but seeing it in writing makes it real. I just…I don't know how she's going to take it. I'm just, really confused about everything and I don't know what I want anymore"

"What do you mean Alex? You were meant for Harvard and you'll graduate and get into Harvard Law and you'll get your dreams"

"I don't know if it's my dream anymore" Alex murmured

"Harvard? Or Law?"

Alex shrugs "All I know, is I want to be around for Casey, not halfway across the world"

"It's in the next state Alex, you're not even thinking properly. You're jumping ahead of yourself"

"I'm not. Who cares how far away it is, it's still too far. I mean, I don't have to go to Harvard, I could go to NYU, and study there, and go to NYU Law"

"Alex, you were meant to go to Harvard; it's all you ever talked about. Where is Casey going?"

"I don't know. We haven't talked about college really. I mean, she said today that she's scared without me, so I guess she isn't going to Harvard. I mean, she knows where I've applied for"

"Did you apply for NYU?"

"Yeah, and I was set on Harvard but I'm not sure at all anymore"

"Alex, don't give up what you want for Casey. What if you and her will only ever be friends? Then you've ruined a great opportunity"

"It's not for Casey, it's for me too. I need her. She's amazing Re. I wish she'd see that, in herself but I wish she'd see how much she means to me"

"Alex, I don't know what else to say. In my opinion I'd say that I'd do what I know I want, deep down. You want Harvard, I know you do. You're just scared for Casey, but I am sure she'll be fine. If she goes to NYU, she'll have Olivia"

"I know" Alex sighed "I just want her to have me"

"Come on, you're staying here tonight. Let's go upstairs and we can talk a little longer. Then we'll go get your stuff before school"

"Serena, you think I'm being silly don't you?"

"I think you're worrying unnecessarily. You don't even know what Casey wants to do, so how can you make decisions right now. You don't have to accept a place until March anyway…I mean, that's four months. A lot can change in that time"

Alex nodded as she stood and followed her friend up the stairs. She was still uncertain and scared but it felt good to talk it out. At least, some of it.

* * *

"Hey Case" Alex smiled as she saw the redhead enter homeroom

"Hey" Casey smiled back as she took her usual seat

"Come and sit with us Casey" Olivia called "Abbie was telling us how she got into Harvard"

Alex groaned, this is exactly what she didn't want happening.

"I'm good over here thanks. I've got some work to be doing anyway" Casey answered

Alex breathed a sigh of relief

"So Alex, did you get your letter?" Abbie asked

"Nope" Alex lied; Serena raised her eyebrows at the blonde but didn't push or make a scene.

"You will soon, I'm sure" Olivia said

"I didn't either" Serena added "I guess they're only sending a few at a time"

Abbie shrugged "Anyway, I was thinking we should go out Friday, celebrate. You two might have your letters by then"

"Yeah, maybe" Serena murmured as Alex looked over at the redhead who looked busy working away on something

Alex stood and walked over to Casey "Hey" she said with a smile "Can I sit a minute?"

"Yeah" Casey answered "I was just finishing this stupid career sheet"

"It's not stupid Case, it's your future"

"It's okay for you Alex. You know what you want to do. It's okay for Serena, and Abbie and Olivia. You all know where you're heading, and you've all got dreams"

"Sometimes dreams aren't all they're cut out to be" Alex replied

Casey furrowed her brows "What do you mean?"

"I just mean that it doesn't always pay to have dreams, sometimes you can't follow them"

Casey shrugged "I have no idea though Alex. I don't know what I want to do"

"You'll figure it out"

"So, Abbie got into Harvard"

Alex smiled "Yeah, she's really excited about it"

"What about you?"

Alex sighed "I haven't got my letter yet" she lied

"But you'll get in Alex"

Alex shrugged "Anyway, how are you today?"

Casey gave a small smile "I'm okay. I'm really sorry about yesterday Lex. I didn't think when I asked you to do that, I mean, I talked to my Mom. She's going to look into a program for me in Stamford, Connecticut. There's a good college there too, I just need to figure things out a little"

"What kind of program?" Alex asked as the homeroom began to fill up

"Come over later, and I'll talk to you then" Casey said quietly

Alex nodded as she returned to her seat

"Everything okay?" Serena asked

Alex nodded "Yeah"

"You shouldn't lie to Abbie or Liv" Serena said "They care about you too"

"I know, I just don't want them to confuse me anymore Re. I'll think about talking to Case, it depends what she tells me later"

"You're good then, you two?"

Alex nodded with a smile "I think so"

* * *

"Serena, can I talk to you for a minute?" Abbie asked

"Yeah, course" Serena replied as she followed the brunette over to the bench

It was early evening and after school, Abbie, Serena and Olivia had decided to go to the park. The weather was turning chilly and thanksgiving was approaching. Alex had excused herself as she had promised to go to Casey's.

"Serena, I'm fed up of us tiptoeing around each other" Abbie said bluntly

"Okay" the blonde drew out the word with her eyebrows raised

"I like you, and I know you're into girls. I mean, I really like you"

"I know and I like you too" Serena answered with a smile "Really like you"

Abbie grinned "You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I kind of knew you liked me; Alex sort of made me see it. I guess I thought you were straight"

"How did you not know I wasn't?" Abbie smirked

"I didn't, I guess"

"So?"

"I don't know" Serena laughed

"Shall we see where it goes? Do you want to?"

"Yeah, of course I do" Serena said "You're one of my best friends Abs"

"And you're one of my mine" Abbie chuckled

"Well, come on then" Serena said as she took the brunette by the hand

Olivia laughed as she saw the two girls holding hands and giggling "You two finally got your heads fixed and saw what Alex and I could see ages ago"

Serena laughed "I guess love is blind"

Abbie gaped wide eyed at the blonde "Re, you said"

"I know what I said Abbie, I do love you. We've been friends for so long, I've always loved you in a way"

"Wow" Abbie murmured "That's…"

"You don't have to say it back. I just, it feels natural. It feels like it should"

Abbie nodded. She was a little shocked, but she couldn't really comprehend that kind of feeling yet. She hadn't gone any further than making out with a girl, but she always knew she liked both sexes.

* * *

"So, what's this about Stamford?" Alex asked as she sat down next to the redhead

"My Mom was looking at different types of therapy. There's this home for young people out there, it's like a residential home that sort of deals with depression and stuff. I can finish high school through their home tutoring and go to the university"

"And you want to go?" Alex asked carefully

"No, I don't. But I know I need to. Alex, I'm taking my meds, and this time, I mean it. I'm going to get better and I really think I need this"

"When I refused to lie to your Mom Casey, I wasn't being mean. I was just worried you were running away from things"

"That was my plan, but my Mom made me see that I really needed this. Not just the therapy and this group home but to get away from New York. So much has happened here"

Alex nodded "I understand. I'll miss you"

Casey furrowed her brows as she looked up to see Alex crying "Al? Lex, don't cry. I'm not going to be far away"

"It's still 33 miles from here Case" Alex whispered

"Oh Alex. I need this. I want to get better" Casey said, her voice cracking

Alex wiped her tears "I know, I'm sorry I'm being silly. I just…I got a letter from Harvard"

"When?"

"Yesterday"

"You mean, you lied to me earlier?" Casey said, glaring at the blonde "After all that about me being honest"

"I haven't opened it"

"Why not? Alex, you know you got in"

"I didn't want to leave you here on your own. I mean, I don't know where you'd applied to"

"Nowhere. I was kind of dreading you going as well"

"What do you mean Case?" Alex asked

"I need you, Alex. I need your safety, your friendship; I need you to help me"

"I'll always help you Casey, and you going into this program, you'll be getting help"

"I know, and it's the best thing for me. I was just scared before. It takes less than hour to drive to Stamford, you could visit at weekends and I'll call you"

"I guess I was just freaking a little"

"That you were" Casey chuckled

"You know, you're really pretty when you laugh like that" Alex mused

"Thanks" Casey said smiling "So, the letter?"

"It's in my backpack"

"Well, open it then" Casey pushed

"Okay okay" Alex laughed as she rummaged through her bag "Here we go"

She gently opened the envelope and took out the letter; she smiled as she read it

"So?"

"I got in" Alex said grinning

"It was obvious Alex! You're so clever"

"You are too you know Casey. You could get in if you wanted"

Casey shook her head "I need this program Alex"

Alex nodded "I know. I was just saying, you could do anything you want. If you go Stamford Case, I could still see you right? It's only about 3 hours away from Cambridge"

Casey gave a small smile "Do you want to stay over?"

Alex shook her head "Case, I must get home. I stayed at Re's last night. My Mom wants me home"

Casey nodded "Okay, I'll message you on Facebook later, or I'll text"

"Skype me" Alex suggested "I like being able to see you smile"

Casey smiled "Okay"

Alex sighed as she stood, and picked up her jacket

"What was that for?" Casey asked of the sigh

"Nothing" Alex lied. She had tried so many times to compliment the redhead; she had tried to hint at her feelings but to no avail _'Casey's probably straight anyway' _she mused as she left her friend's home.

**Leave your kind reviews. Oh and I thought I'd add a little Serena/Abbie in here for you. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Again, I thank you for your reviews. **

**I had thought about Alex just kissing Casey but if you remember, Alex had never dated either, so it's possible she hasn't actually kissed anyone, or if she has that's as far as it's gone (Still not too sure about her background on that sort of thing) so her kissing Casey would be a little strange. But don't worry, you might be lucky and have a Christmas Surprise (Maybe...I don't know yet)**

"Alex, me and the girls, we're worried about you. You know you can talk to us, right?" Olivia says as she touches the blonde's hand

Casey had been gone a little under a week. Thanksgiving had passed and Serena had also received her Harvard letter. Alex had decided to accept her place, knowing that Casey would more than likely be in Stamford anyway although she had yet to formally accept.

Alex nodded "I know Liv. I'm fine really"

Olivia had come over with the intention of talking to the blonde. Abbie and Serena were out on a date, their first actually. Alex was happy for them, she really was but they're happiness was overwhelming when her own was shattered.

"Alex, come on. Don't lie to me. I've noticed Casey hasn't been at school this week and you haven't mentioned her"

Alex hadn't told the girls about Casey's leaving. She hadn't actually expected the redhead to go so soon and she had thought that Casey would tell them herself. She had been given permission to tell them everything but she was really uncertain about it. Yet now, as the topic had come up, she didn't want to lie.

"Casey's in Connecticut"

Olivia raised her brows "Is she on vacation?"

"No, she's moved out there. She's getting home schooled and then she's going Stamford University"

Olivia was still confused and shocked "But I saw her Mom only yesterday in Walmart"

"Her Mom hasn't gone" Alex sighed

"Okay" Olivia drew out the word still looking questionably at the blonde

Alex sighed as she stood from the edge of the bed where she had been sitting and walked over to the window "She's gone"

"Alex? You're not really making much sense. Why has she moved without her Mom?" Olivia said placing a hand on the blonde shoulder

Alex turned, tears in her eyes "I've been given permission to tell you, Re and Abbie, but I can't repeat it three times. I wanted to invite them over but they're out and I don't want to ruin their night"

"I'll call Serena. I'll explain the situation best I can. Maybe they can come over when they're done"

"No, I'll just talk to you all tomorrow"

Olivia sighed as she rubbed the blonde's shoulder "Alex, does Casey have any idea just how much you like her?"

Alex shook her head "Not a fucking clue"

Olivia was shocked at the use of explicates, as it was unlike Alex but she had seen many things that were unlike Alex recently "Have you not tried to tell her?"

"I've told her she was pretty, that I needed her, that I liked seeing her smile and that she means a lot to me, and that I care. She's oblivious, that or in denial. I don't know if her problems are to blame or what anymore"

Olivia sighed "Alex, you need to get this off your chest. I'm gonna call Re. I think they'd want to know whatever it is, and give you some relief, it's obviously not doing you any good"

Alex shrugged; she wasn't even going to argue with Olivia. All she wanted was for Casey to see her, for Casey to get better and come home.

* * *

"I hope whatever it is, it's worth taking us from that lovely meal" Abbie muttered as Olivia let them into Alex's home. Alex hadn't moved from the window and Olivia was at a loss on what to do

"Abbie!" Serena chided the brunette "Olivia wouldn't call if it wasn't important"

Olivia nodded "Alex has something to tell us, and if she doesn't soon I'm worried she'll explode"

Serena furrowed her brows, she knew something was up but she had thought it was just Alex pining over the redhead, she didn't realise it had gotten that bad.

"Alex?" Olivia said gently as the three girls enter her bedroom" Come and sit down"

Alex looked up and gave a small smile to her friends before sighing and following Olivia's suggestion

"Ali Baba" Serena said quietly "Talk to us"

"I'm sorry I ruined your date" she answered

The blonde smiled at Alex "Its fine"

Abbie was about to argue with that response but seeing the glare Olivia gave her, she decided to keep her mouth shut. It had taken a lot for Abbie to grow up and she still had her moments, but it seemed she was making some progress.

"Casey's in Stamford, Connecticut. She's in a residential home for people with serious depression. She's on medication, and she's finally getting the help she needs" Alex rambled out to the three shocked girls beside her

"What do you mean Alex?" Olivia asked, she wanted to be certain what she was being told

Serena had known about the depression but she had stopped Alex from breaking the confidence of the redhead, now she wanted to know if it was okay for Alex to tell her these things "Casey knows you're telling us, right?"

Alex nodded "I thought she was going to tell you herself but I guess it was too hard for her"

"You've been harbouring this for weeks Alex, haven't you?" Olivia asked

Alex nodded before turning to Abbie "That day you pushed her Abbie, it reminded her of abuse she received from her Father. He's in prison, it's why she panicked at your question Re"

Serena nodded in understanding while Abbie looked aghast "I really messed up"

Alex nodded "But she hadn't been taking her medication, like she was meant to. She told me that she forgives you and she doesn't blame you. She promised me she had started taking them again but she had been lying. I guess I knew, she wasn't getting better"

"But she's where she needs to be, right?" Serena asked

Alex nodded "Yeah and that's fine. I just miss her Re. I really miss her"

"I knew you were in this deep Alex, you really do like her don't you" Serena smiled as she spoke

"Apparently Casey seems oblivious" Olivia added

Alex nodded giving the brunette a smile "I've tried telling her in many ways, but she just thanks me for the compliments and acts as if I haven't said she was pretty, or that I need her. I literally cried my eyes out when she told me she was leaving, and she didn't even get it"

"She's not far away though Alex; you still talk to her don't you?"

"She's rang me a couple of times, but I can't answer. I don't want to break down when she's being so strong by doing this. It can't be easy for her and I don't want her to think I'm being selfish, I know I am"

Serena shook her head "No Alex, you're in love"

"What? That's stupid Re. Love is…I"

"I love Abbie" Serena said looking over at the brunette in question "And I know I'd be distraught if she had to go away, even if it is what's best"

Abbie smiled back at her girlfriend, she had heard Serena say she loved her many times over the few days they had been together and while she hadn't yet said it back, it warmed her heart to know she meant that much to Serena.

"I don't even think she's gay Re. She's probably straight, and I don't think she's dated. We never really discussed it, you know"

"You never asked?" Abbie questioned

Alex shook her head "I didn't know how to, or whether it was appropriate. We never really had time to get to know each other properly. I was just too worried about her"

Abbie nodded "I feel really bad for being so nasty. How can she forgive me?"

Alex sighed "I have no idea, I don't get how she let me in so easy either…I just, she says she needs me. What does that mean? She needs my friendship, but I can't help feeling more for her and I can't move on, I don't even know if I want to"

"I think she cares about you more than you think Alex. She trusts you, she told me you made her feel safe and that's before I told her about my situation" Olivia told the blonde

"Now you understand why I asked you to do that?"

Olivia nodded "I do, I get it totally and to be honest, it helped me as well"

"How are things with your Mom?" Alex asked "I've been so wrapped up in Casey that I kind of neglected you guys"

Olivia smiled "Its okay Alex, you were worried about her. Things aren't too bad, I mean, she still drinks all the time, but I'm usually out with you guys and when I get home, she's passed out on the couch"

"You're so strong Olivia" Serena mused "Really, you are"

"I guess I've just got used to it"

"Do you ever feel depressed? I mean, you have so much to deal with, I just, I don't get it with Casey, she has her Mom and you…have no one" Alex asked

"I have you guys. I have friends. It's not easy Alex, believe me but the only way to keep yourself sane is to accept it"

"I guess Casey just found that too hard" Serena added

Alex nodded "I wish I could just hold her and take it all away. Make it better, you know"

Serena nodded "I know. How about you talk to her Mom? I don't know if it will help, but maybe you could bond with her. It would help to talk to someone that understands"

Alex shrugged. She had thought about it, but she was uncertain. She didn't know how the older woman would react to her declaration of just how much Casey meant to her.

* * *

"Alex dear, how are you?" Amelia Novak asked as Alex stood at the door, nervously

"Okay" Alex replied "I…um"

"Come in. I guess something's bothering you" Casey's Mom told the blonde as she moved aside allowing Alex room.

"I just wanted to, um, talk about Casey"

"Cassandra's called me earlier, said you hadn't been answering her calls. She thought you were angry with her"

Alex shook her head as she ran a hand through her tousled blonde hair "No, not at all. I guess, I just…"

"Miss her?" Amelia finished the sentence

Alex nodded, and then furrowed her brows "Yeah, I do"

"Me too Alex, but she's trying to get well again, and she'll be fine"

"I like her Amelia, I mean, I really like her" Alex said before covering her mouth, she couldn't believe she had just said that. She had decided against the idea and would just ask how Casey was.

"I know you do. I saw it when you'd come over, you care about her and she cares about you too"

Alex shook her head "She has absolutely no idea how much she means to me"

"Cassandra's naïve and a little blind when it comes to that type of thing, you have to show her, blatantly how you feel"

"I can't. That's partly why I won't answer her calls. I don't want to break down and have her worried about me, when she needs to look after herself. I can't tell her because it isn't what she needs right now, but I just wish she'd see"

"She will. I'm going to visit her on Saturday, you should come. See how she's getting on"

"How is she? Has she said anything about what she's doing, or whether it's helping?"

Amelia shook her head "She sounded really depressed Alex, she said that its okay and that she's trying to talk about things but it sounds intense and I could tell she was trying not to cry. I thought she'd beg me to come and get her"

Alex felt the tears prick behind her eyes at the thought that Casey wasn't getting any better. She squeezed shut her eyes and a few tears slid along her cheeks, she brushed them away "Can I come with you?"

The older woman embraced the blonde "Of course you can come and you should call her or Skype"

"Hearing me cry will be easier than seeing me cry" Alex replied "I'll call her"

**Will Alex tell Casey? More developments to come in next chapter regarding Casey's recovery and it gets a little bit intense, so just a warning to you guys.**


	13. Chapter 13

**My original plan was to post a shorter chapter that would leave you with a load of questions, but once I had it written out, I realised, I wouldn't be able to do that to myself, let alone you guys. **

**TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS CHAPTER. **

Chapter 13:

"Casey, you need to breathe" A girl named Vanessa instructed the redhead

"My Mom and my best friend are coming to see me Vee, they can't see my like this"

"This is exactly why you need to take a deep breath. Casey, you need to calm down and just remember they're here because they care"

"I didn't expect Alex to come. She hasn't answered any of my calls this past week and when she did finally call me yesterday, she hardly said a word; it was as if she being forced to call and now she's going to see me like this Vee…and I can't let her. She's amazing, she's been so good to me but I don't know what's going on with her"

"Is she your girlfriend?" Vanessa asked. Vanessa had been at the residential home for almost a year; she was doing so much better and had become a shoulder to lean on for the new residents. She was also very perceptive and understood more than most.

Casey shook her head and then furrowed her brows. "We're friends"

"Do you want her to be your girlfriend?"

"I've never….Vee, you can't ask me this when I'm freaking out. Look at me!"

"Casey, you're doing well. You're talking in therapy, and you're…"

Casey cut her off "I know okay, Vee. I'm just scared; I don't want them to know"

"They're going to see Casey"

"I know!" Casey wanted to cry. She didn't want to face her Mom or Alex; she just wanted to be well again. The medication was making her feel worse than better and although she knew this was normal, it was still disheartening and scary.

"So, do you want Alex to be your girlfriend?"

"Vee, not now, please"

Vanessa nodded her head, she knew that Casey was freaking out, but she could sense something else was there "Okay, we won't talk about this. Come on; let's go watch a movie before they get here"

* * *

"Hey Case" Alex said quietly as she watched her friend pull the comforter further around herself

"Hi" the redhead mumbled, trying to look anywhere but at Alex or her Mom

"How are you, Sweetheart?" Amelia Novak asked

Casey gave a small smile, but didn't attempt to look up "I'm okay Mom"

"Serena got into Harvard as well; did I tell that she and Abbie are dating?"Alex tried to break tension with new from home. It didn't.

Casey looked up at this information and shook her head "No, you've hardly spoke to me at all Alex"

The blonde's heart beat faster as she heard the accusatory tone Casey was using "I know. I'm sorry"

Amelia looked at her daughter who looked like she was trying to bury herself into the comforter, she looked pale and uncomfortable "Cassandra, are you cold dear?"

"A little" Casey lied, she wasn't cold at all. She just wanted to hide herself from these two people

"You're only wearing a t-shirt Case, where's your sweater?" Alex asked looking around the room. She hadn't really noticed anything about where Casey was staying, she had been more nervous about seeing the redhead than anything else.

Yet here she actually looked around, there was only a bed in the middle of the room that Casey was sat on and a small cabinet for clothes. There were no curtains, and she could tell that the mirror on the wall was some sort of cellophane. It hadn't occurred to her that the room was set up for someone who could harm themselves.

She furrowed her brows as she looked back at the redhead who looked like she was going to cry.

"I need Vee" she whispered before calling out "Vanessa!"

Alex felt her heart sink at someone else's name and the nickname that Casey had used. Who was this Vanessa?

The door open a pretty brunette entered the room, she looked at Alex and then back at Casey and sighed "Casey, just talk to them"

Casey looked aghast, she had thought Vanessa would support her and help not turn on her

"I can't"

Amelia Novak furrowed her brows "Cassandra, what's going on?"

Casey looked at her Mother and burst into tears. Amelia Novak exchanged worried glances with Alex and they made towards the redhead but were stopped by Vanessa. Alex was worried about her friend, but a deep part of her felt anger towards this brunette. Call it jealously, but Alex didn't like her at all.

"Casey needs a minute to calm down" the brunette said

Casey sighed "Mom, please, I just need to talk to Vee"

Amelia looked at her daughter and gave a small smile "I love you Cassandra"

"I love you too Mom" she said through her tears

Alex looked questionably at the redhead who turned her head away. The tears had already started falling and she couldn't bear for Alex to see.

Amelia took the blonde by the arm and silently led her from the room.

Once Amelia and Alex had left, Vanessa pulled the covers roughly from her friend "Stop hiding. Go out there and tell them, just tell them Casey. They're going to find out eventually, you can't hide it forever"

Casey knew that Vanessa was right. She knew it, but she also knew that Alex would be disgusted; she knew her Mom wouldn't understand. She wasn't ready to deal with that, not yet.

* * *

Amelia Novak looked worryingly over at the blonde "Alex, what are you thinking about?"

"She needed Vanessa" Alex whispered

Amelia Novak sighed "It's nice that she has someone here Alex. It's nice that she feels comfortable with her. Something isn't right but we need to trust her"

"What if she likes Vee?" Alex asked, her voice sounded fragile but the jealously and worry was evident

"I don't think it's like that Alex. I think something is going on and Vanessa seems like a well put together girl, I think Casey confides in her. That's good but she doesn't look at her in that way, not the way she looks at you"

"She doesn't look at me at all anymore" Alex said tearfully "She's shutting us out and it hurts"

Vanessa opened the door and looked at Casey's Mom "She's ready to talk, but go easy on her. She's really scared"

Amelia nodded, she was beginning to worry now and something told her she had a need to be. Alex nervously looked at Vanessa "Does she want to see me?"

Vanessa nodded "She's hurting Alex. Don't be hard on her, just listen"

Alex sighed in relief. Vanessa seemed like a sweet girl, and the way she spoke, she obviously had made a strong bond with the redhead that was still in the room they had left.

* * *

"Alex" Casey whispered as the blonde came into the room, closely followed by her Amelia Novak "Mom"

"Talk to us Casey" the older woman said as Alex sat down on the bed. Casey still had the comforter pulled around herself and still looked pale and nervous, but she had managed to stop the tears for the time being

"Don't hate me" Casey almost whispered

"Case, we could never…oh my god!" Alex started but Casey's movements halted her words as she clamped a hand over her mouth

Casey had pulled back the comforter. Amelia Novak began to cry, while Alex just sat there her mouth wide open

"Why, Cassandra?"

Casey quickly covered her arms back up as the tears threatened "It hurts so much Mom, it hurt too much and I just wanted it to hurt for a reason"

Alex stood up and walked over to the window. She was trying to keep herself calm but she wanted to cry, she wanted to shout, to scream, to hear everything but know nothing. She was confused, scared and most importantly worried for her friend.

"Alex?" Casey said quietly "I'm sorry"

Amelia Novak touched her daughters arm "I'm going to give you two a minute" she said "You need to talk about some things"

Casey furrowed her brows as her Mom stood and left the room. While Amelia Novak was now worried about her daughter, and wanted to know what had been going on, she also knew that Casey needed time with Alex. She knew that even if Alex didn't tell Casey exactly how she felt, she would at least let her know she was there for her and the redhead needed to hear that.

"Alex?"Casey asked

"Do you hate yourself that much Casey?" Alex asked, her back still to the redhead as she gazed out of the window, she touched them and realised that they were thick and non-breakable glass. She furrowed her brows before turning around to face Casey

The redhead was crying, silently, the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry"

Alex stepped towards the redhead tentatively "Can I sit down?"

Casey nodded and Alex sat down, she tugged on the comforter, and Casey held it harder. Alex wouldn't budge and in the end, Casey gave up trying to hide and allowed Alex to take her hands.

The blonde studied the scars on Casey's arms; they weren't deep, or serious. But they were raised and bumpy and no doubt they were painful. She stroked her finger over a few, and Casey flinched "Do they hurt?" the blonde asked

Casey shrugged "Sometimes. Alex, stop looking at them"

Alex looked up into the redhead's eyes "Casey, I love you"

Casey looked at Alex with a strange look "I know, we're best friends"

Alex sighed "I love you, in ways that friends don't love their friends. I've tried to tell you before, I've hinted at things but you never noticed. I don't care if you don't feel the same; I just had to tell you. You hurting, it hurts me too. Seeing these scars Casey, it scares me, but in no way does that change how I feel. I've tried denying it, I've tried pretending that you were just a friend in need, but I love you, more than anything. You're brave, strong, and smart and inside you have a huge heart. You're beautiful, every inch of you, and I really care about you. You are a part of me, you have my heart, you have my soul, and I'll give you every single part of me if I had the chance. I'll take care of you; I'll keep you safe, support you, and make you laugh. You'll see all my annoying habits, and all the bad parts of me, but I want that, I want you to realise that I love you, with everything I have, with all that I am"

Casey was crying, she couldn't believe that Alex had said that, she couldn't believe that Alex loved her. It scared her and made her feel comforted at the same time.

Alex was crying too, she had just poured out her whole heart and was absolutely terrified that Casey would reject her. But she knew she had to do this, she had to make the redhead see just how much she meant to her.

Casey was in shock, she had no idea that Alex had felt that way. She tried to recall times that Alex had hinted, but all she could remember is Alex being there. She recalled snuggling up the blonde at Abbie's sleepover, and she vaguely remembered Alex calling her pretty when she laughed.

She chuckled, and then looked up at Alex "I don't know what to say Alex, thanks"

Alex gave a small smile "Everything I said is true Casey. I mean it"

Casey nodded "Lay with me"

Alex furrowed her brows and Casey smiled.

"Lay with me Lex. I want you to hold me"

Alex smiled, she had missed the way Casey called her 'Lex', she has missed that smile. She moved beside the redhead and lay down, patting her chest "Put your head here"

Casey complied, and let Alex stroke her hair. She sighed, remembering how comforting it had felt when Alex touched her like this. She didn't know what she was feeling, except she felt safe. Alex loved her and for the time being, that was enough.

Alex was thinking too, she had just opened up her heart and didn't know if it had been rejected or not. Casey had thanked her, but not said anything else. She had asked Alex to hold her, to lay with her and at that moment, it was enough to know that she hadn't scared Casey away.

**Hmm? Let me know what you think. I don't intend for it too get too dark, but I have a particular road for this to take...and it gets happier, I assure you. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Okay here's another chapter. You're words mean a great deal and it's nice to know you are enjoying this story. **

Chapter 14:

Amelia Novak looked in at the two sleeping women. She gave a small smile and decided that she'd let her daughter sleep a little while longer. She looked peaceful and content and it had been a while since she'd seen that look on her daughter's face. As she turned to walk away, a voice startled her

"I'm not asleep Mom"

The older woman turned and gave her a daughter a sad smile "You looked peaceful"

"I feel relaxed Mom, Alex does that. I can't explain it, I just…" Casey said sighing; she looked at the blonde next to her and smiled "She said she loves me Mom"

Amelia Novak gave a small smile as she crossed to the redhead and sat down beside her on the bed "And she means it Cassandra. Its hit her hard, you leaving and no doubt this has too"

Cassandra turned her head away slightly "I'm sorry Mom"

"Hey hey" Amelia said touching Casey's cheek "You don't need to do that, you don't need to apologise for hurting, but you need to try and get better. Not for me, not for Alex, but for yourself"

Casey nodded "Sometimes it just makes me feel like I have a reason to hurt Mom. Daddy's been gone for so long now, why does it still hurt so much?"

"Oh honey. I know it hurts, I know those memories don't go away but they fade over time. You make new ones, happier ones with people that love you, care about you"

"Did Daddy ever love us?"

Amelia felt tears well in her eyes as she nodded "He did. I know you don't remember much from when you were younger, but he was home a lot, he'd sit for hours with you, watching movies, reading…he was proud of you Cassandra"

"What changed? What did I do wrong?"

"Oh baby, you didn't do anything wrong. He changed. He wasn't the same man anymore"

"Why did he hit you Mom? I could deal with the way he treated me but it hurt more when he hit you. I'm sorry I ran away, I was scared. I left you"

"You needed to be safe. Cassandra, I don't care how much he hurt me, not until he hit you. I am glad you ran away"

"But I left you Mom" Casey whispered, she had started crying a while ago but only now was she aware of the tears. Wiping them away with a free hand she looked over at Alex who was still sleeping. She lifted the blonde's hand from around her waist and sighed as she stood up.

She crossed over to the doors, folding her arms around herself "Let's go into the sitting hall. Alex needs to sleep, she looks exhausted"

"She was worried about you, and she missed you"

"She didn't answer my calls Mom"

"She didn't want to upset you. I think she hit her own depression Cassandra"

Casey was a little shocked, and her tears had returned. She curled herself up on the couch, and lent into her Mom's arms as the older woman comforted her "She really loves me"

Casey's Mom nodded "That she does"

"Mom, I'm going to get better. I am trying"

"I know you are honey, and Alex knows that too. Vanessa seems nice"

Casey smiled "She is. She's easy to talk to. She's been here a while but she says it gets easier and she's doing really well, she's a great friend"

Amelia Novak nodded "Alex is too, remember that"

Casey furrowed her brows "I know"

Amelia Novak sighed "She was worried that you need Vanessa more than her. I think she felt jealous but she won't tell you. She doesn't want to scare you"

"I'll never be scared of Lex Mom, but Vee's my friend as well. I need her help here, but I need Alex too. She's my best friend, Mom. I've never had a best friend"

Amelia Novak knew that Casey was trying to understand, trying to make sense of everything that happened. She had faith that her daughter would figure it out.

* * *

Alex opened her eyes and sat up; it took her a few minutes to remember where she was. She remembered holding Casey, and sighed. She must have fallen asleep.

She wondered where the redhead had disappeared to, and began to worry but remembered Mrs Novak had been there as well and guessed Casey was talking to her Mom.

She slowly slid off the bed and took a minute to catch her bearings. She hadn't slept well the last few days and now she was rested she felt a lot calmer. She crossed over to the door and heard voices from down the hall.

It sounded as if Casey was crying, and Amelia Novak sounded worried as she tried to comfort the young girl "Casey, please calm down. You're working yourself up, you're getting really warm"

Alex furrowed her brows as she hurried towards where the voices were coming from. As she stepped inside she saw Casey was shaking visibly, as she rocked herself back on forth on the couch. She had heard that this was a self soothing technique but it still worried her.

Amelia Novak looked out of her depth. As Alex went to approach, a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She turned and was met with Vanessa.

"Casey does this sometimes. It's best not to crowd her. Her Mom's there. Come on, I want to show you something"

Alex was hesitant, it looked as if Mrs Novak needed some help but she didn't want to crowd Casey. She figured Vanessa knew what she was talking about and decided to see what the girl wanted her to see.

Following the brunette Alex walked along the hall. Vanessa stopped outside a room and said quietly "Casey comes in here sometimes; she told me she remembers you when she's in here. She brought all the things herself. She had to get permission for this room, but she's been doing well"

"Why did she need permission?"

Vanessa sighed "You have to earn certain things, by talking, and showing improvement. She hasn't hurt herself for 2 days, and she isn't considered a threat to herself now. She can't have certain things, but this room, its special"

Alex nodded, she felt a deep pride at her friend's strength, as Vanessa opened the door Alex began to cry, the white room had royal blue streaks, the same colour as her borders at home and there was a red throw in the corner like the one she had over her bed "Casey did this?"

Vanessa nodded and sighed "I asked her earlier if you were her girlfriend, she said no, maybe it was the wrong time to approach the subject but I could hear how she spoke of you. She loves you Alex, she may not understand it, she may deny it or not believe it, but she does"

Alex's heart skipped a beat at Vanessa's words but she wouldn't allow herself false hope, even if this room told her something.

* * *

"Alex?" Casey whispered. Vanessa had came and told her that Alex was in the room she had set up as her secret sanctuary.

Amelia Novak had managed to console her daughter. Casey had been freaking out at the thought of Alex going home, now her friend was here, she didn't want her to go. She had told her Mom she wanted to come home, that she hated it here and needed her friends, and family.

It had taken a while but Amelia had managed to convince Casey that this was where she was meant to be, that she had to get better and she could come home when the time came, but right now, she needed to be here.

"Casey, is that you?" Alex sniffled. She had got emotional when Vanessa had told that she believed that Casey loved her, she had tried not to get her hopes up, but she had got more upset when she had thought about how much Casey must be hurting to harm herself the way she had.

"Can I come in?"

Alex chuckled. Casey was asking to come into her own secret room. "Yeah" she managed weakly, wiping her eyes

"Hey" the redhead smiled as she saw Alex sitting in the corner with her legs curled underneath her and the throw over her

"How are you feeling?"

"I've been better, but I'm okay. You were sleeping earlier; I needed to talk to my Mom"

Alex nodded "Can you talk to me?"

Casey shrugged as she sat down "I don't want to upset you"

"I'm upset anyway Casey, I care about you remember"

"Hurting myself Alex, it just releases the eternal pain. I know it's wrong, I know it's not the way to cope but I just needed something. I'm trying really hard"

"When did you first do it Case?"

Casey sighed "That day at the restaurant, I felt so awful, and I just, I didn't really think about it. It's why I couldn't eat, I felt awful and then, I…it just was too much"

Alex felt her tears fall "I love you"

"I know" Casey answered, reaching up to wipe Alex's tears with her thumb "I know you do"

Alex shifted her gaze and looked around, she smiled slightly at the redhead "This room Casey…I"

"It helped me feel close to you, I just…I missed you"

"I've missed you too. I'm sorry I never answered your calls"

Casey nodded "Mom explained why, Alex, I'm sorry I didn't see how much this was hurting you"

Alex sighed "Casey, why did you shut me out? Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I couldn't. I was scared"

"Scared of what Casey?"

"What you'd say, that you'd hate me. I know now you wouldn't have…I just…that day"

"You were planning on running away Casey, what were you going to do?" Alex said worryingly, she had just realised when Casey had started harming herself, and was worried about the redhead's state of mind. She recalled Casey telling her she needed her, and she had thought then that Casey might do something silly; she didn't think that she had already started down a destructive path.

Casey shrugged "I don't know"

Alex sighed "Don't do that Casey, don't hurt yourself. Please?"

Casey nodded "I'm trying"

Alex took the redhead's hands "Casey, I'm going to be here every step of the way. You can call me whenever you need to or text me. We'll Skype and I'll come see you. Not every weekend, because I don't want to crowd you, you need to heal, but I'm here. I'm always here"

Casey nodded as she lent her head on Alex, she then moved away "Sorry"

Alex gave a warm smile and opened her arms "Come here"

Casey sighed as she snuggled close to Alex "So, Abbie and Serena eh?"

Alex smiled "Yeah. They were meant for each other. But both of them were just blind to it"

"How did you know?"

Alex furrowed her brows "That they were meant for each other?"

"No, that you loved me"

Alex swallowed "Um, I don't know. I guess, like, I knew you meant something to me. I liked you, a lot. And then when you opened up to me, I was worried for you. I miss you, I guess when I heard you were leaving, I was scared too. Serena showed me how much you meant to me, and she said that I was in love. I didn't believe her, but I thought about it a lot. I've never been in love Casey, I've never felt like this, but you mean the absolute world to me"

Casey had tears in her eyes. She looked up at Alex and then pulled back. She smiled, and then leant up and placed a kiss on the blonde's cheek. Her lips lingered and she pulled back. Alex was a little shocked, but she managed a smile "What was that for?"

Casey shrugged and accompanied with a small smile "Thank you"

"Just get better Casey"


	15. Chapter 15

**Merry Christmas to you all. I hope that you have a fantastic time tomorrow whether you celebrate or not, at least enjoy the day off work and I hope that this Chapter adds a little more to your day. **

Chapter 15:

It had been a crazy couple of weeks and now Alex was heading to see Casey a week before Christmas. She hadn't visited the redhead since the day she had confessed her feelings, and had missed her like crazy. Casey had called a couple of days after and cancelled their upcoming plans, stating that she had lots of homework to catch up on. Her home schooling ran five days a week from 8.30am until 2.30pm, and then she had therapy for an hour and a half every day before dinner and when it came to the evenings she was shattered and had fallen asleep at her desk on more than a few occasions.

Alex was concerned that Casey was being pushed too hard and had talked to Mrs Novak about her worries, and had also confided in Serena's Mom too. She was reassured that Casey would talk to her if she wanted to, and that the carers and teachers all knew what they were doing.

However they were still in touch every day and Alex had taken this a positive sign. Whenever they would talk on the phone Alex would always end by telling the redhead that she loved and missed her and during Skype calls, they'd blow each other kisses with a smile. This kept Alex positive that Casey felt the same way, even if she was unable to voice it verbally.

This year Alex and her family were heading to the Hamptons for Christmas and were spending it with family that they did not often see. Alex had many aunts and uncles, cousins and distant relatives that she didn't always remember names and had begged her Mom to let her stay behind. Mrs Cabot refused, even though Alex had assured her she'd be staying with Abbie.

So, instead of seeing Casey on Christmas Eve like she had hoped, here she was on a bus, curled into a seat near the back on her way to see the redhead. She had spent hours out with Serena a few days previous searching for something for Casey, in the end, she had found 3 presents and was anticipating the reaction she hoped she would receive.

The Journey to Stamford had taken longer than it would by car, annoying the blonde who had hoped to spend most of the day with Casey before heading home. She had been incredibly nervous about making the journey by herself and Serena had been concerned and even offered to ride with her. Alex had told herself to suck it up because she was almost 18 and would soon be heading off to Harvard anyway, she needed to take responsibility and this was good practice for the future.

Alex arrived at Midday; she had text the redhead when she had arrived in Connecticut who had assured her she'd be waiting. As she walked the path up to the entrance, she saw Casey casually leaning against the large post by the main doors. An older woman stood a few steps back, and was intently watching the redhead. Casey didn't look too well, and Alex was immediately concerned

"Hey" she said as she approached

Casey gave her a shy smile before running into her arms. Alex was a little taken aback by the overly unusual display of affection, but she allowed Casey to cling to her.

Casey pulled back and smiled "You don't know how much I needed that"

Alex nodded, Casey was acting strangely and it unnerved her a little. Not the mention the redhead looked drained and as if she would keel over at any minute

"How are you?" Alex asked quietly, when she had spoken to Casey via Skype the previous day she had looked better than she had done in the couple of weeks that had passed, but there was something about the redheads complexion that didn't sit right

Casey shrugged as the older woman who had been watching turned "You have therapy at 3pm Cassandra"

Casey nodded "I know, I'll be there"

Alex furrowed her brows "When did you start having Therapy at weekends Casey?"

Casey sighed "There's a few things I need to talk to you about, but not today Alex. Today is a day for spending time together, laughing and enjoying each other's company. It's Christmas, I intend to celebrate it"

Alex shook her head "Casey, Are you okay? You look tired. Talk to me"

Casey sighed again "I've been having trouble sleeping, and my nightmares are more frequent. I wasn't allowed visitors last week Alex, that's why I cancelled. I was tired, and things had gotten bad again. I've had to change my medication and they make me sick"

"Oh Case" Alex whispered "Why did you not say?"

Casey shrugged "I don't know. But hey, I don't want to discuss it, happy times remember. I can't wait to give you your gifts"

"My bus leaves at 5pm Case, I wish I could stay longer but…"

Casey stopped Alex from talking "It's okay. I have therapy at 3pm. It's only a fill in, so half an hour at most. You can hang out in my room while I'm in there"

Alex swallowed her emotions as she gave the redhead a wide smile and held up a bag "Shall we do presents?"

Casey nodded as she stopped at her room, as she turned to face Alex she heard a chuckle come from behind the blonde and sighed when she realised it was the newest resident Amber. The blonde had a tendency to play jokes on people, she was a prankster, and this was her way of keeping herself upbeat. While Casey had found them to be humorous to begin with, she had been on the receiving end of a few when she really didn't want to be interrupted.

"Amber, I have a visitor" she said to the girl who nodded sheepishly before glancing up and running off into her room

Casey looked up "Mistletoe. How original"

Alex allowed her gaze to wander upwards and then she laughed

Casey blushed "That's Amber, she's new and a royal pain. It was cute at first, but it's got a little silly to be honest now"

Alex nodded "So…"

Casey looked up and then back down, and before Alex knew what was happening she pressed their lips together. It was tentative, almost timid, like testing the waters, and it was over before it had even begun.

Alex stood in shock, there had been no duelling of tongues, nothing that anyone would constitute as being anything but a peck but for Alex, it was unexpected yet perfect.

Casey gave a small smile "Its tradition" she stated as she entered the room.

Alex blinked and then followed the redhead inside. She sat down on the edge of the bed while Casey took a box from underneath. She smiled when she saw the gifts and Casey sat beside her, placing the box on the bed. "I hope that was okay. The kiss, I mean"

Alex nodded "It was perfectly okay"

Casey gave a small smile before motioning to the small pile beside her "Shall we?"

Alex grinned "Who's going first?"

"I kind of hoped I could" Casey answered, picking up a small package wrapped in royal blue paper. She handed it to Alex before crossing her legs and nervously rubbed her thighs. Alex had seen Casey do this a few times recently. She took the redheads hand in her own and gave it a gentle squeeze

"Relax" she whispered as she unwrapped the parcel. She smiled when a velvet box fell out. She hesitantly opened it, and gasped when she saw a delicate gold chain that held half a heart.

She looked up at Casey who had lifted an almost identical chain from under her t-shirt. Alex realised that they were two halves of the same heart and she felt tears rush to her eyes. "Casey, it's…"

"Do you like it? I kind of wanted us to have something that kept us linked while we were apart"

Alex nodded as she whispered "I love it" before a sob escaped her lips.

Casey leant forward and brushed away the tears "Turn it over"

Alex lifted the pendant and another sob came out as she saw the letter C engraved on the back

Casey felt her own tears falling as she witnessed the blonde's emotional reaction. "Don't cry Lex. Mine has an A on it. You're always a part of me now. I wanted you to know that"

Alex smiled "Thank you" she whispered

Casey lifted herself onto her knees and pulled the blonde into her arms. She held her there for a few minutes until she heard Alex sniffle and sigh. She pulled away and gave Alex a smile "You okay?"

Alex nodded "Mmm Hmm. Perfect"

Casey chuckled as she lifted another parcel "I'm kind of afraid to give you any more in case I upset you"

Alex laughed "There good tears Baby. Happy tears"

Casey nodded as she handed the next parcel to the blonde. Alex shook her head and lifted one from the bag she had placed beside the bed "It's my turn"

Casey smiled as she took the parcel, placing the one she had been holding beside her

"Serena helped me choose this, I knew what I wanted to get you, but I had no idea what you would like. So we sort of worked it out together" Alex explained

Casey nodded in anticipation. She carefully untied the neat bow from the top and chuckled "Always so neat and tidy"

Alex laughed and swatted the redhead playfully on the leg "Just open it"

Casey complied, and smiled when she pulled out a ragdoll "Its lovely Lex"

"I hope you don't think it's childish. I have one at home, it has lavender beads inside, it's meant to soothe and relax. I thought you could hold it when you were anxious or stressed and think of me, maybe"

Casey pulled Alex into her arms again, and kissed the blonde's cheek "That means a lot to me"

They continued to exchange gifts, laughing and crying as they did so as every item came with a sentiment. Casey received a photograph frame and Alex took a photograph of the two of them, telling Casey she would mail it as soon as she got it developed as well as a book of inspiring quotes that Alex had told her to read through daily to keep herself motivated and positive.

Alex received a personalised letter writing set and Casey had told her to write to her using it. She wanted to have something to keep and read over when she was feeling down or just needed comfort. The last gift that Casey gave Alex she handed her with shaky hands. The blonde furrowed her brows and took Casey's hands into her own, asking if she was okay. The redhead nodded and told Alex to open it.

Alex choked back a sob as she opened the small box to find a plush heart. In white stitching were the words 'This Christmas, I give you my heart'

Casey smiled shyly "Like the Wham song, except don't ever give it away"

Alex couldn't help herself at these words and she began to cry, loudly and unreservedly. Casey took the blonde into her arms again and rocked her gently "Don't cry Lex"

Alex chuckled and removed herself from the redheads embrace, wiping her tears; she smiled before whispering "I'll keep it forever"

Casey wiped a tear that had slid along her own cheek and sighed "My soul only feels whole when I'm with you; you're my soul mate Lex. My heart beats stronger alongside yours, my body feels safer when it's in your arms, you relax me, make me feel special. I'm giving my heart to you, Alex, can I have yours?"

"You have it already baby" Alex whispered.

They embraced each other again, and crawled up so they were resting against the headboard of the bed. Casey snuggled into Alex's arms and sighed "Merry Christmas Lex"

"Merry Christmas beautiful"

Casey looked up at Alex and lifted herself up slightly as Alex looked down at the redhead. Emerald Green eyes sparkled with emotion, as their lips met, again tentative, but they were pressed firmer against each other and they lingered longer than they had previously. Alex smiled as she pulled away, and pulled Casey down to her chest again.

"I love you" she whispered squeezing the redhead with the arm she had wrapped around her.

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I have my nephews coming over on Boxing Day so next update is likely to be Friday at earliest. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I wasn't expecting to get this chapter done until tomorrow but I had some free time while my nephew was sleeping and my sister was out, to get this written and now they've gone, I can post it. **

**I am glad you liked the previous chapter, and I hope you like this one too. (It's sort of a filler, touching on subjects and things that will be brought up as we continue with the story) I have an idea on where to take it next, but if you have any thoughts, please let me know. I'll be happy to hear them. **

Chapter 15:

"So Alexandra, is there a boyfriend in the picture?" Alex's Aunt Inga asked

"Inga, the poor girls only 17. I wouldn't expect her to be dating!" Her husband Rodney exclaimed

Alex rolled her eyes "I'm nearly 18"

"So…" Aunt Inga said nudging the blonde who sighed. She hadn't come out to anyone in her family, not even her Mom and Dad and she wasn't going to get into it today.

It was Boxing Day and Alex had been here since Monday evening. She was relieved that the topic of relationships, or more importantly boys hadn't been approached until now.

"Um, not really" Alex said, deliberately attempting to be vague. Luckily for her, her cell rang at that precise moment. She glanced at the screen and smiled as she saw the ID read 'Casey'

She answered it with a smile "Hey" as she removed herself from the couch into the hall "How are you?"

"I'm good Lex. What about you?"

Alex sighed "Yeah"

"You don't sound it Lex. What's up honey?"

Alex smiled at the term of endearment that Casey had started using but she sighed heavily as she went into the study for some privacy "I don't remember half of these people Casey, and now they're asking about boyfriends"

Casey chuckled "Tell them the truth Lex"

"You know I can't"

Alex heard Casey sigh "Because I'm a girl"

"No, Casey. Because they won't understand and they don't even know you. I love you, you know that"

"I know" Casey whispered "I've told my Mom about us Lex, and I'm not ashamed"

Alex knew that Casey's self confidence was still low and the day after she had visited Casey had called upset and wanting reassurance that Alex wasn't going to leave. She had had a nightmare and her anxiety was at a peak. Alex then found out that Casey had hurt herself again, a few days previous to the visit and declaration of her feelings when exchanging presents.

"Neither am I. Baby, I'm just scared of what they're going to say" Alex said as she sank into the chair, running a hand through her hair "I just want them to see how amazing you are"

"I'm not forcing you to tell them Lex; I'm just saying that I don't want us to hide"

Alex smiled "I don't want to either Casey. It's just difficult. I have a whole family that might not want to have anything to do with me"

"You don't know that they will"

"I know I know. I miss you Casey"

"I miss you too Lex. I applied for Harvard; I should get my letter in the New Year"

Alex gasped at the unexpected news "Is that a good idea? I mean, I'd love you to be with me at College but you need to get better and Stamford has that security for you"

Casey swallowed the tears she felt brimming "I know, but if I keep seeing the therapist and talking, I'll be fine. You're my security Alex"

"When did you last hurt yourself Casey?"

"Yesterday" the redhead whispered before saying louder "But Alex, that doesn't matter. If I'm here or in New York I'll still have these thoughts, and things. Except here, I'm all alone"

Alex could tell that Casey was ashamed, but she didn't like to push her to talk about things, she was seeing a therapist/counsellor and that was good enough for now "What about Vanessa?"

"Vanessa's gone Alex. She's better and she's gone back to Rhode Island. I need my family, my friends and I need my girlfriend"

Alex felt the tears spill down her cheeks at the redheads' words and was about to answer when the door opened and Arielle entered; she looked at Alex and called out "Mom, Alex is crying!"

"Shut up" Alex whispered loudly

"Al?" Casey questioned as Mrs Cabot approached and stood in the doorway

"Baby. I've got to go. Ari's just walked in, and now my Mom's here" Alex said sighing as her Mom entered the room

"I love you Lex"

Alex began to sob louder, it was the first time that Casey had said these words and Alex knew that Casey was giving her permission to disclose their new relationship.

"I love you too"

Alex took the phone from her ear as Casey hung up and gave her Mom a small smile "I need to talk to you Mom"

"Arielle, Alexandra and I are going to have a little talk. Go into the living room" she told her younger daughter before turning to the older blonde "Alex? Does your Father need to be present?"

Alex shook her head "It's nothing bad Mom"

"Is this about that boy you were talking to?" Alex's Mom asked as Arielle exited the room

Alex sighed before taking a deep breath "No, it's about the girl I was talking to"

"A girl? Alexandra, are you saying that…"

"I'm gay Mom. I'm seeing someone, her name is Casey. She's amazing, she's beautiful and smart and funny. She's had a tough time and right now she's in Connecticut in a residential home for young people. Mom, I love her and she's just told me she loves me. She gave me this…" Alex took a breath as she lifted the necklace that Casey had given her

Mrs Cabot smiled "It's beautiful"

Alex nodded "It has a C on it and she has the other half with an A. Mom, she's so amazing"

"Alex dear, I'm not homophobic, as long as you are happy, that's what matters. No one here will think anything different of you. Why were you crying?"

"She told me she loves me. It's the first time she's actually said it. She says she misses me and needs me and has applied for Harvard. I know she'll get in but she's not well Mom, and she needs to be where she is, to get help"

"What's wrong with her?"

Alex sighed "She's on Anti-Depressants and self harms. She was abused by her Father, he beat her and her Mom, and she had to testify, when she was 15. Mom, how can I tell her she needs to stay where is without hurting her?"

"Go and see her. I know you did last week Alex, I found the bus ticket, I was going to ask, but I guessed it was personal"

Alex smiled "I love her so much Mom" She said as she retrieved a photo of the two of them from her pocket. She had taken it when she gave Casey a photo frame, and printed two copies before mailing one to the redhead.

"She's pretty"

"She's beautiful Mom. Her eyes are like Emeralds, and her smile, it's absolutely perfect. Mom, she's perfect"

"I'm really happy for you Alexandra. Are you going to tell your Father?"

"Will he be mad Mom?"

Mrs Cabot shook her head "Not at all. He might be a little shocked but he loves you. You're his daughter Alex, and whether you're straight or gay, it doesn't matter. We love you"

"Can you tell him Mom?"

Mrs Cabot shook her head "No. You have to do this. How about I go and get him?"

"I don't want everyone to know right now Mom"

"Okay, I'll go and get him, but I think Aunt Inga is going to keep asking, you know how she is"

Alex nodded as her Mom left the room. She sighed and leant back in the chair. Part of her felt relief and as if a weight had been lifted but she was concerned about her girlfriend. She really didn't know if it was the best thing for her to be at Harvard but didn't want to upset her. She was worried, especially as Casey had admitted she'd cut only yesterday.

* * *

"Is she your age?" Aunt Inga asked and Alex nodded.

After telling her Father who assured her that as long as she was happy, he was to. He did warn her that being a lesbian and trying to reach where she wanted in her career would be tough but she had told her Father that when that time came, she'd deal with it. Telling Aunt Inga had been daunting, and Uncle Rodney had been a little shocked because he'd always seen Alex as a little girl and now she was growing up.

Alex took the photograph from her pocket and handed it to the older woman "She's very pretty"

"Isn't she Aunt Inga? I really love her. And she said she loves me, today, it was the first time she said that"

Alex had decided not to tell everyone about Casey's depression. It wasn't her place and she didn't want them to act any differently when they met her, however long away it may be. She did however let them know that she lived in Connecticut at the moment.

"I'm pleased for you. I'm sorry I assumed you'd be dating a boy"

"It's okay Aunt Inga, you weren't to know"

"How is that lovely brunette friend of yours?"

"Oh, you mean Abbie? She's good. She's dating Serena"

"Oh so she's a lesbian too?"

Alex laughed at the older woman's candid question "She likes boys and girls. But her and Re, they've always been close and I always knew they'd be together in the end"

Aunt Inga smiled "So, did you get this young girl of yours any presents?"

"I got her a ragdoll, like mine, a photo frame with this photo in" she told her Aunt, motioning to the picture "and a book of inspiring quotes"

"And she got you?"

Alex grinned as she lifted the necklace from beneath her t-shirt, turning it over to show the letter C "She has the other half, with an A"

"Why ever are you hiding it Alexandra? Show it off, be proud of it"

Alex nodded and let it drop "She also gave me a writing set so I can write to her and a plush heart saying 'This Christmas, I give you my heart'"

"That's sweet"

"I love her, and she loves me. I'm happy. She makes me happy"

"I can tell. You're glowing"

Alex smiled and jumped when her cell indicated a text. Alex opened it and smiled

**'Hope u r ok Honey. I love u, I mean it Lex, u r my whole world and more. Love C xx'**

"Is that her?" Aunt Inga asked

Alex nodded "Yeah, it is"

Aunt Inga smiled, she could see how in love the blonde was and it reminded her of the blonde's Mom which was her Sister "You know, your Mom had the same look when she would talk about your Father"

Alex smiled as she sent a text back **'Everything is good. I'll call you later. I love you too, baby. Love always A xx'**

* * *

Alex was sitting in the room that had been set up for her and Arielle later that same evening. She had tentatively told Arielle about her relationship with Casey. The younger blonde had smiled "I heard you talking to Re about it a few weeks ago"

"You knew?"

Arielle nodded "I knew you loved her, and I'm sorry if I kind of pushed you into it by telling Mom you were crying, but I thought she'd broken up with you"

Alex chuckled "It's okay. At least I know you care"

Arielle laughed "Of course I do Alex" The younger blonde then leant forward and lifted the necklace; fingering it "She got you this?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. She has the other half. If you turn it over, it has a C on it"

"That's pretty"

"Yeah. Hers has an A. Ari, she's the reason I didn't want to read the Harvard letter. She moved to CT, and has applied for Stamford University"

"But you'll still see her right?"

"Yeah, as much as I can. She's just applied for Harvard too. It's partly why I was crying and then she told me that she loves me. For the first time"

"Oh Alex, that's great"

Alex nodded "Yeah, it is. Thanks for understand Ari"

Arielle gave her sister a hug "It's nothing. Are you going to the dance this evening?"

"Nah, I'm going to Skype Casey"

Arielle nodded as she walked to the door "I'm happy for you sis"

**I know that wasn't the best chapter, but it really is a filler to tie into the next chapters. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. Here's another for you.**

**SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. **

Chapter 17:

"Oh my god! Rena, I'm so happy for you!" Alex exclaimed throwing her arms around her friend.

It was Friday afternoon and Alex had managed to talk her Mom into letting her go back to Manhattan to see her friends. She needed some normality and her friends gave her that. She was relieved that her family were supportive of her and Casey but she was still worried about her girlfriend.

She had talked to the redhead on Skype the previous evening, after coming out to her family and Casey had been pleased but Alex could tell that the redhead was struggling. She had made Casey promise that she'd call her whenever she needed, whenever she felt like she wanted to hurt herself, she had to call or at least text.

So now, she was at Serena's home, deciding that she needed to spend time with the blonde before they met Abbie and Olivia. Serena had just told her that she had slept with Abbie on Christmas Eve and Alex was over the moon for her friends.

"Thanks. Alex, it was amazing. Abbie was so gentle, she knew exactly what to do" Serena gushed, blushing as she spoke

Alex laughed "Don't be embarrassed Re"

"I wasn't a virgin but it's always been awkward before, it's never felt so normal"

Alex really was pleased that her two best friends had finally found each other, and that they had taken their relationship to the next level. She had always seen how they were made for each other even if they were oblivious to it themselves.

"I'm happy for you both"

"Abbie should be here soon, and Olivia said she'll try and get round. She was at Abbie's on Christmas Day but I know things are hard at the moment"

"With her Mom?" Alex questioned. She, Serena and Abbie admired the strong brunette for how she dealt with everything that she had to endure in her life.

"Yeah"

"So, what did you get Abbie for Christmas?"

"I got her some perfume and a cute little negligee" Serena said, her skin turning another shade of pink

Alex chuckled "I think it's romantic that you got her something like that. What did she get you?"

"A new diary, some earrings and a vibrator"

Alex burst out laughing "Trust Abbie. You two are as bad as each other, have you used it yet?"

Serena blushed as she turned her head away, mumbling incoherently

Alex laughed loudly "You have!"

Serena swatted her friend on the arm "You're horrible"

Alex nudged the brunette chuckling "But you're still my best friend"

"That I am" Serena replied

* * *

"Alex!" Abbie screamed as she almost collided with the blonde "You look more beautiful than when I last saw you"

"Oh shut up Carmichael" Alex replied before embracing the brunette "I hear you had a great Christmas"

"It was amazing" Abbie said before blushing as she caught Serena's eye, knowing the blonde had filled Alex in on their Christmas Eve activities

Alex laughed "I've missed you guys"

"We missed you too" Abbie told her

"You must have Christmas with us next year, when we're at Harvard" Serena added with a smile as she wrapped her arms around the brunette and pulled them both onto the bed

"Oh, you must. How were the Hamptons?" Abbie asked

"It was okay"Alex said sitting down opposite her friends

"What does that mean Alex?" Serena asked. She had spent most of the last hour talking about her relationship with Abbie and how Olivia was doing that they hadn't really discussed Alex and her Christmas.

"I came out to my Parents and My Aunt Inga and Uncle Rodney"

"Wow, Alex! How did they take it? Serena asked

"They were okay actually. I told them about Casey?"

"How is that going?" Abbie questioned

Alex smiled "It's good. She told me she loved me"

Alex had already told the girls about Casey's gifts, and what she believed they meant. They were pleased, or more like totally excited and happy for her but this news was just as exciting.

"That's amazing Al" Serena grinned

"Are you happy?" Abbie asked

Alex nodded "Yeah. I am"

"But…" Serena asked, she was always clued in to Alex's reactions and answers and could tell when the blonde wasn't being entirely honest, or forthcoming

"She's applied for Harvard"

"That's great, isn't it?" Abbie asked furrowing her brows

"She's still struggling Abbie, she needs the help that she's getting. She says that I am her security, that she feels safe with me and that she needs me with her but I'm not qualified to deal with her outbursts, and I don't know how to calm her when she's freaking out or hurting herself"

Alex had told the girls about Casey's self harming when she had returned after finding out, she had been so emotional and so worried that Serena had practically begged her to tell her what was going on. Like telling them about the depression, they were shocked and Abbie again blamed herself for being nasty to the redhead but Alex had explained how she felt like that at first until Casey told her that she wasn't to blame and neither was Abbie.

"She's not getting better?" Abbie asked

Alex shrugged "I don't know, I really don't know how she's doing. I'm going to see her tomorrow, she doesn't know I'm coming but I need to talk to her, we need to work out whether that is the best thing for her. If she's really set on Harvard, I might look into a place in Massachusetts. I might not be able to stay with her but she'll be somewhere she can get help and I'll see her every day"

Serena nodded "I hope you can work it out between you. It will be nice if she comes to Harvard, we'd love to get to know her and be there for her"

"Come with me tomorrow"

Serena shook her head "We'll visit her soon, but I think you need to work things out together, just the two of you"

Alex sighed and nodded "I'm just worried that she'll not get what she needs with me. Even if she feels safe with me, am I enough to get her through?"

* * *

Casey sat in her room at the residential home. It was nearing midnight and Crawford House was terribly quiet at night. Casey hated this time the most, when her thoughts were the only thing she could hear. There was nothing else to distract her, nothing to keep her from breaking.

Her latest therapy session had taken a lot out of her, and she was tired yet unable to sleep. The nightmares had been coming sooner and when she'd wake, her whole body would be shaking and she would be drenched in her own sweat.

Like tonight, she had tried to sleep, but no sooner had she nodded off that the first nightmare started. She'd be in her room at home, and her Father would storm in, demanding for her to admit she had been the one to break his favourite mug, it was always something stupid, something petty but he'd get so angry and he'd push her and slap her, over and over. He'd laugh and call her pathetic when she cried and sometimes he'd hit her harder. These nightmares were the worst, he's never stop and then she'd see Alex and try and run into her arms but she'd always disappear, before she could feel her.

Casey had woken up, crying and shaking, her whole body felt like it was on fire and she could barely breathe through the pain in her heart.

Sitting cross legged on her bed, she stared at the broken toothbrush she held in her right hand. She had snapped it in two earlier that day and after waking from the nightmare it had been the first thing she reached for.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Alex came into her thoughts and she knew she had promised to call or text, but it was late and she knew Alex would be sleeping. The tears flowed from her eyes as she just sat, her eyes fixed on the sharp end of the toothbrush as she breathed heavily.

"I'm sorry" she whispered over and over "I'm sorry, so sorry"

She was apologising for every time she had caused her Father to hit her or her Mom, for every time she had screamed at her Mom, telling her she hated her, for every time she had lied and for every time she hurt herself previously, even though she would so again.

She wondered whether if she had not run away, would she still be trapped at home with him and how far would it have gone? She had so many questions that would never be answered, so many regrets that she didn't leave sooner, that she did leave, she was confused and scared and hurting.

"Why does it always end like this?" she asked the empty room

She sighed when she received no answer, although she had not been expecting one.

Lifting her scar clad arm she let the tears fall as she pressed the sharp, homemade blade to her skin, pressing hard she dragged it along, biting her lip and taking a deep breath as she felt the surge of pain and then breathing out as she saw the redness of her blood rising to the surface.

"I'm so sorry" she sobbed into the air as she repeated the motion over and over again. The blood dripped onto her pyjamas, as it flowed from the multiple criss-crossed cuts she had made on her pale skin. The initial pain had faded and instead she felt release, calmness enveloped her as she laid herself back onto her bed. She dropped the makeshift blade beside her and closed her eyes.

It wasn't until her cell bleeped that she was brought back to reality as she bolted upright, grabbing her arm and rushing into the bathroom. She ran her hand under the water, and felt the cuts begin to sting. She found the band aids and cleaned herself up. Removing her pyjamas and changing into her gym wear, she hid the soiled clothes in her bag.

As she headed back into the bedroom, her cell bleeped again. She picked it up and began to cry as she read

**'My heart just felt like it was breaking Baby, I hope you're okay. A x'**

She felt bad but she couldn't reply, if Alex thought she was asleep maybe she could hide this from her until the blonde visited on New Year's Eve.

She placed her cell beside the bed as she began to change the duvet that had a few blood spots on. Her mind was blank as she worked, but as she finished, her heart began to beat faster and her palms grew sweaty. She was panicking as the pain in her arm began to set it. She hated this part, the reality of what she had done set in and she sank to her knees. She lifted the necklace and held it in her palm as she cried, whispering to Alex for forgiveness.

After about an hour, and after she had cried herself out, her breathing had evened and she had fallen asleep curled into a ball on the floor. The nightmares would not end, and she would wake again but she would face the repercussions of her actions earlier than she expected.


	18. Chapter 18

**I took a break from paperwork to write this chapter, I was amazed at how quickly it flowed and how much I managed to write, but I am pleased with this chapter.**

**CAUTION: Please take care when reading this chapter as may be a little sensitive and trigging with discussions around self harm. **

****

Chapter 18:

"Casey?" Alex questioned as she approached the redhead who was trying to cover up her arms by crossing them across her chest as she gaped open mouthed at the blonde.

Casey swallowed and shook her head as she shivered in the winter air. It had been snowing heavily that morning and the ground was covered in soft fresh snow. The air was bitterly cold and due to regulations Casey was still unable to wear a sweatshirt, or have her arms covered up. She had been about to head over to the library which while still part of the residential home, was in a separate building opposite when she had seen Alex. Not expecting her arrival, it had thrown her off guard. She hadn't had time to try and work out how she would explain her latest scars and quite frankly, she was a little ashamed right now.

"Not here Alex" she said sheepishly as she re-entered the building. Alex was worried, very worried but she tried not to get angry, she tried to keep calm and give Casey time to explain.

As they entered the room, Casey sat down on her bed and fiddled with the hem of her shirt. Alex sat beside her, and waited. When it seemed that Casey would not make the first move, Alex reached for her girlfriend's hand

"Casey?"

"You're not meant to be here" Casey answered, deftly trying to change the topic. Alex knew her well enough and wasn't going to let her play her like that.

"You were meant to call me when you wanted to hurt yourself" Alex knew she sounded harsh and that she had turned the topic swiftly back to Casey, she didn't blame the redhead, and though she was angry she was more worried, and that worry would prevail as she sighed "Talk to me Casey"

"What do you want me to say? I had a fucking nightmare, I have two or three every fucking night and I wake up alone, and scared and needing something to cling to" Casey almost shouted, as she began to cry

"You could have called me; you can call me any time"

"But I need to hold you Alex, you're voice helps, and I… I know you'd pick up in a heartbeat. But that's why I want to come home, I n-need you"

Alex felt the tears brimming, it was the first time she had truly seen how much Casey was hurting. The red head was shaking, tears were streaming down her cheeks and she wasn't attempting to wipe them away.

"Oh Baby" Alex whispered reaching for the redhead. She let out a sigh of relief when Casey allowed her touch and leant into her arms "I knew something was wrong"

"I got your text Alex. I was numb; I wanted to answer but…I…"

Alex didn't need to know why Casey hadn't answered. She could see that Casey just needed to be comforted and not questioned.

She heard Casey hiccup and brushed a strand of hair from her eyes as she glanced at the new scars lining the redhead's arms. They were by far the worst Alex had seen and this made her worry all the more. It didn't seem that Casey was getting any better.

"You're taking your meds Casey, aren't you?"

Casey looked up and nodded "I have to. I have weekly blood tests, they'd know if I wasn't"

Alex sighed "Casey, what do we need to do to get you better? You're taking your meds but they're not working, are they?"

Casey shrugged "I don't know. It's the nightmares that get to me most Alex, during the day I do my school work, I see the counsellor, I talk in therapy and I feel normal but the nightmares, they just…they're horrible"

"Have you talked about them, in therapy? Maybe they can give you some techniques to help keep them at bay or work through the aftermath without…"

Casey nodded "I have, and they want me to take some other pills, like a sleep aid"

"Do you think they will help? Give them a try"

"I want to come home" Casey repeated, as she lifted her head, fresh tears escaping from the emerald eyes that Alex loved "I want to come home"

Alex sighed "Casey, this is home now, for you. I want to talk to your therapist with you, see what they suggest. Have you mentioned this to them?"

Casey nodded "They think I should stay. But I'm not getting better and I know it's because I'm not with you"

Alex sighed "Casey, I don't think coming home is going to help. I can't be with you at night and I still have to go to school. We won't see each other much more than we do now. I'm studying for my exams and you should be too"

"Do you want us to take a break?" Casey whispered

Alex pulled away from the redhead "No! I don't want that at all. Why ever would you think that unless…"

"I don't want to either Alex. I just, you seem like you don't want me home, to be with me"

"I would love to be with you, more than anything in the world baby. But I don't think you're going to get any better being in Manhattan than you are here"

"My Mom said the same thing"

Alex felt relief that Mrs Novak felt the same way, but she could see how disheartened the conversation was making Casey and she was worried that this would cause a fresh round of depression

"How about you stay here until March, and when we get our final college letters, we can decide what to do. I've looked into a residential home in Cambridge Casey, it's near Campus and I'd be only a short walk away, maybe it's a thought"

"I might not get into Harvard"

"Then I could go Stamford, I applied there too remember"

"You got a letter?"

Alex nodded "Yes, I did"

Casey shook her head "Alex, you were meant to go to Harvard, don't throw that away for me"

"I would do anything for you Casey, you know that. Just, get better, and don't worry if it's late, you need me, you call. If you need me to Skype you at 1 in the morning, I will"

"I love you"

Alex smiled as she pulled the redhead back into her arms and placed a kiss to the redhead's forehead. Her heart melted every time she heard Casey say those three words since the first time a couple of days ago.

"I love you too Casey, and I'll be here for you, but I really think that right now, you need to be here. We can work out what happens afterwards another time and you have every chance of getting into Harvard, if that's what you really want"

"I just want you"

"And you have me baby, you have me. But don't risk your health for me Casey, get better, and I'll still be here, loving you, and caring for you"

"How did you get here Alex, I thought you were in the Hamptons" Casey asked, changing the subject

"I came home yesterday; I'm staying with Abbie and Serena at the moment"

"How are they?"

Alex smiled "Good. They miss you. I asked them to come today but they said that we needed to talk and they'd see you soon"

"Is Serena living with Abbie now then? You said you were staying with them both"

"She spends the occasional night. They slept together on Christmas Eve"

Casey grinned, happy for her friends, even though she didn't know them that well, she hoped that a friendship would be built when she got better.

"I'm pleased for them"

Alex nodded "They're happy"

"So, what did you want to do today?" Casey asked

Alex pulled the redhead into her arms and ran a hand lightly over the scars "Have you got therapy today?"

Casey turned her head away, embarrassed as Alex continued to run her fingers over the scars. She nodded slightly and felt a hand on her cheek.

"Don't hide from me Casey. It hurts to see these but I want to understand, don't be ashamed of them"

"They make me look ugly"

Alex sighed as she dropped her hand from the redhead's arm, and pulled her into another hug "You look beautiful, they show that you're struggling but you're getting help, Casey"

"Don't lie Alex, I know what they look like"

Alex shook her head "You are still beautiful. Yes, they don't look nice, they're almost fresh cuts Casey, but they don't change you, they don't make you any less beautiful than you are"

"You really think I'm beautiful"

Alex nodded "Yes. I do"

"You're beautiful Alex"

Alex smiled as she pressed her lips to the redhead's. The softness of the redheads lips moving against her own made her heart flutter and her stomach tighten, as the redhead ghosted her tongue across Alex's lower lip, the blonde wrapped her arms around her neck and deepened the kiss. She allowed the redhead entry and they tasted each other before Alex let out a slight moan. Casey pulled away "Wow"

Alex smiled "That was perfect Casey. I love you"

Casey felt tears well in her eyes. "I love you too"

They lay wrapped in each other's embrace, listening to each other's heartbeat. Alex stroked Casey's shoulder gently in a comforting manner while the redhead cried quietly. She wasn't upset, just relieved and the kiss they had just shared had touched her.

"I have therapy at 3pm" Casey told her "Will you come with me?"

Alex smiled at the redhead before placing a kiss to her forehead "If you want me to"

"I do and I think it would help. It's hard to repeat things over and over"

Alex understood as she kissed the redhead again "Then I'll come"

Casey smiled contentedly "So what shall we do until then?"

"Could I give you a massage?"

Casey lifted herself and furrowed her brows "I…um"

"You don't have to undress if that's what you're nervous about, or if you really are uncomfortable, we don't have to at all. We can do something else; I just wanted to relax you. You're so tense"

"I'd like a massage. Can I just change my sweats?"

Alex nodded "I won't touch anywhere that makes you uncomfortable. The minute anything doesn't seem right, or you change your mind, tell me"

"I will"

"Remember Casey, I'll never force you into doing something you don't want"

Casey nodded as she disappeared into the bathroom to change from her sweat bottoms into a pair of shorts and deciding to change into a tank top instead of the shirt she had been wearing, she was nervous but a massage did sound nice and she needed to relax.

When she returned Alex had straightened out the bed, and taken a few items from the rucksack she had brought with her "I brought some different oils and a few gadgets"

"Is that a vibrator?" Casey's eyes widened as she saw a strange looking contraption in Alex's hand

"It's a muscle relaxer Casey" Alex chuckled "I wouldn't bring sex toys without your permission; I don't think we're ready for that"

Casey nodded sheepishly "Sorry, it just looks a bit, weird"

"If you would prefer me not to use it, just say Casey"

"No, it's okay"

"I won't touch you anywhere intimate. Do you trust me?"

Casey nodded but Alex could tell she wasn't comfortable. She placed the item on the bed and approached the redhead; she reached for Casey's hands, and intertwined their fingers "Relax. If this is too much, tell me"

"It's…I'm scared"

"It's just a massage, but say no, and I'll pack it all up and we can play cards or read a book" Alex attempted to joke, but she could see conflicting emotions in the redheads' eyes "Come, let's just sit a moment"

"I'm totally inexperienced Alex, I have never done anything like this before" Casey said as she sat next the blonde

"Neither have I. This is all new to me too baby. I've only ever kissed one boy and it was weird, and wrong. Not like what you and I have. That feels right Casey"

Casey nodded in agreement "I'd like a massage, but I'm just…"

"Nervous. I'll go easy, and slow and like I said, you feel uncomfortable, tell me and we'll stop"

Casey nodded as she positioned herself on the bed; lying on her stomach she took a deep breath before closing her eyes.

Alex was nervous too, this was meant to be innocent, just a relaxing massage but she hadn't realised how the muscle relaxer looked to someone who was completely new at relationships. She didn't think Casey was that naïve that she didn't know how that sort of thing worked, but she berated herself for bringing something like that with her.

She squeezed a little oil onto her hands and tentatively began rubbing her palms into the knots on the redheads shoulders "Is this okay?" she asked

"It feels nice" Casey murmured

Alex smiled, continuing her movements, carefully making sure that Casey wasn't uncomfortable. She felt the redhead relax a little and she continued kneading gently.

"I'm just going to rub a little of this into your arms, I'll be gentle and I won't touch the scars. I do however have a cream that maybe I could apply, to soothe them. I know they hurt. Is it okay?"

Casey nodded as the blonde ran her hands lightly along the redhead's shoulders and down her arms, stopping at the elbow.

Alex couldn't help looking at the scars and wishing she had called instead of text last night. She couldn't explain how it felt, but her heart seemed like it was breaking and she knew that Casey needed her. "I should have called you" she spoke aloud only realising she had done so when Casey shifted beneath her and looked at her questioningly

"It wasn't your fault Alex"

"I should have called when I felt something was wrong, I should have called. Not text"

"I would already have done it Alex. I was just lying their watching the blood when you text, you saved me from doing it more. You jolted me from whatever state I was in"

Alex felt her tears fall "I'm sorry I couldn't help you"

Casey turned over and sat up "You did"

She reached for Alex's hand "Don't cry Lex, please"

"I love you"

Casey leant forward and kissed the blonde's lips gently before laying back onto her stomach "Keep going Alex, you're really good at this, my body feels so much more relaxed"

Alex chuckled as she wiped the oil from her hands "Usually I'd work on the spine but I don't want to get oil on your top"

"It's fine" Casey told her and Alex smiled as she began kneading down the redheads spine. She could feel the muscles under her skin twitching, and she smiled. It was difficult with the tank in the way but she could tell that Casey was relaxing and that was enough for now. She had promised she'd never force Casey into anything and she'd stick to her word, she loved the redhead and she'd keep her safe, as much as she could.

**Leave your thoughts as always. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Tripperz: The type of Massage Wand that I envisioned Alex using is called Fiddlestix 7 speed 7 mode White Therapy Wand Massager, hope that clears up any confusion for you on how Casey could think it was a Vibrator (In effect it is the same as a Wand Vibrator, yet is designed for massaging muscles)**

**Thanks to you all for the lovely comments, and your encouragement. (I don't particularly want to skip days but at the same time I don't want this to be overly repetitive, so they're may be a time skip sometime)**

**CAUTION: Again, contents may be triggering and sensitive. Read with caution, please. **

Chapter 19:

You okay Casey?" Alex asked tentatively as she stroked the redhead's cheek. After the massage she had given Casey they had snuggled against each other lost in their own thoughts. Casey had began fiddling with the hem of her tank, something she did when she was nervous or lost in thought and Alex was worried about how Casey was feeling.

"Yeah" Casey whispered but Alex wasn't convinced as she noticed the redhead subconsciously pick at the forming scabs around the scars

Alex placed her hand over the redheads, halting her movements "Stop that"

Casey furrowed her brows and then looked embarrassedly at Alex "Sorry"

Alex squeezed the redhead close to her "Its okay baby. Talk to me"

"I…you…I just. I can't see how you think I'm beautiful. You were so gentle and loving and I never felt like that before but I just…don't…I can't…why?"

"Why what?" Alex asked as she sat herself up, motioning to Casey to do the same. The redhead rested her head on Alex's shoulder

"Why are you like that? Gentle; how do you make everything feel right?"

Alex pursed her lips thinking "It feels right to me Casey; I don't want to hurt you. I want to treat you like a princess and show you how loved you are, I don't ever want to hurt you, you don't deserve to be hurt"

"But I'm not beautiful"

"You are. Casey, I know it's going to take a lot of time for you to believe that, but I am always honest, always okay. You are beautiful, inside and out and I love you"

Casey sighed "I love you too Lex"

"I know" Alex whispered dropping a kiss to the top of Casey's head "Try and sleep a while baby, I can tell you're tired"

"Do you mind?" Casey asked as she let out a yawn

"Sleep, I'm right here"

Casey sighed as she closed her eyes. Within minutes she was asleep, in her girlfriends' safe arms.

* * *

"No Daddy, please" Casey mumbled as the nightmare once again gripped her "Leave her alone Daddy"

Alex's eyes flew open as she felt the redhead tossing beside her, she had extracted herself from Alex's grasp and was calling out, her eyes were screwed shut as she continued to thrash

"Don't. Please, hit me Daddy, hit me please"

Alex furrowed her brows, she was unsure of what to do. She knew she had to wake the redhead and get her out of the nightmare but how. She had no idea what to do.

She placed her hands on the redheads shoulders, trying to keep her still as she soothingly coaxed the redhead "Casey, wake up. It's not real, come on baby, wake up"

"Daddy, please, leave Mommy alone"

Alex felt her heart break as Casey continued to beg in her sleep. "Casey" she said louder "Wake up"

She didn't want to shake the redhead, in fear of making things worse, so she settled on coaxing, her voice gentle as she ran her hand up and down the redhead's arm.

Slowly the redhead calmed before she bolted upright, panting as she began to sob "I wish he had killed me"

Alex was shocked. She hadn't expected Casey to say that and it worried her immensely, she reached for the redhead and pulled her into her arms as she whispered" Hey. It's okay, I'm here Baby"

Casey continued to cry, she held on to Alex as her body shook. After a few minutes she lifted herself away from the blonde "I'm sorry. You didn't need to see that"

Alex shook her head "I think I did. I can't imagine what you've been through Casey, and I can't imagine how those nightmares but feel to you, especially when you wake alone but now I can see that they're intense"

Casey nodded "Just hold me Alex"

"I've got you" Alex said quietly as she rocked the redhead gently "Casey, did you mean what you said, that you wish he had killed you?"

"I wish he had sometimes, but then I remember that if he had, my Mom would have been left with him. It's just how it feels sometimes"

Alex nodded "Would you ever consider…have you thought about…?"

Casey shrugged "I know what you're asking Lex, and I don't know how to answer. I have thought about it, a while ago, but I know it's not the answer. The tablets are helping Alex, in some ways. I don't wish I was dead, but…"

"You wish the pain would go away" Alex finished, she had seen the truth behind the redheads words and she was relieved but still concerned. She was glad she would be visiting the therapist with Casey later.

* * *

"Good Afternoon Casey" Lucille said with a small smile "And who's this you've brought with you"

Casey smiled as she reached for Alex hands "This is Alex. My girlfriend"

"Are you happy for her to sit in on the session?"

Casey nodded as she took a seat, tapping the space beside her for Alex as she leant into the blonde. "I need her here"

Lucille had noticed the new scars, and made a note on her notebook "I take it things haven't been good since we spoke yesterday"

Casey glanced at her arm "I had a nightmare last night"

Lucille nodded "Can you tell me about them?"

"Last night, it was just my Dad pushing me around a little. I saw Alex in the dream but when I tried to touch her, she disappeared"

Alex gasped, Casey hadn't told her this. She felt Casey take her hand as the brunette therapist continued to make notes on her jotter.

"I had another today. This was the first one Alex has been around for"

"And how did that make you feel?"

Casey smiled at Alex "Safe. Alex makes me feel safe"

Alex returned the smile but stayed silent. This was for Casey, and she wouldn't say anything unless she was asked.

"What happened last night?"

"I cut myself" Casey almost whispered. She knew that she had to admit it, even though the scars were obvious to Lucille. It had become something that happened during therapy, she had to say it out loud and deal with it in session instead of taking it back to her room and letting it consume her

"They look sore"

Casey chuckled "They sting like a bitch"

"Do you need them looked at?"

Casey shook her head "I cleaned them well and Alex has some lotion to rub into them"

Lucille smiled the blonde as she wrote something else in her jotter "Have you thought anymore about the sleep aids?"

"I want to try" Casey murmured

Lucille could tell that Casey was much more relaxed in session today and she guessed it had something to do with Alex. She could see how much the blonde cared for Casey by the way she was holding her, and could see that Casey felt comfortable. She made a note of this as she wrote out a prescription "I'll get the doctor to sign off on this. Take one a day about an hour before you go to bed"

"Will they stop the nightmares?"

"I don't know, but try taking them for a week; we can discuss how they're working each day and see what happens. You also need to give me whatever it was you used to cut"

Casey nodded. Even though the room was set up with safeguarding measures, Casey had found ways to make tools from everyday objects. The windows and mirrors were not made with glass and there were no ties or ropes in the room either. Yet, she knew if she really wanted to hurt herself, there were other ways.

"I'll go get it"

Lucille shook her head, she had seen the flicker of realisation hit the redhead and it concerned her "Not right now. Casey, you do know that you'll have to be on constant watch if you don't stop. We gave you leniency but we can't let you continue hurting yourself"

Casey squeezed Alex hand as her eyes darted around the room, trying to find somewhere to fix them on so she didn't have to make eye contact with Lucille or Alex.

"Case" Alex said quietly "Listen to Lucille, look at me"

Casey blinked back the tears "I'm scared"

"What is scaring you Casey?" Lucille asked

"I can't do this on my own" Casey said as she looked helplessly at Alex "Help me"

Alex held the redhead tighter as she began to cry. Lucille had not seen Casey break down like that, she was usually numb when they'd talk, she wouldn't really delve into her emotions, she'd say what she needed and then sit in silence for the rest of the session, and she never opened up without prompting until now.

"I want to go home"

Alex sighed. She had thought she had quashed this earlier but it seemed that Casey was adamant that she needed to be back in Manhattan.

"You know we won't release you Casey" Lucille said, she had known on the redheads wishing but she refused to sign the release papers

"You can't hold me here. I checked myself in and I can check myself out"

"We can get an injunction keeping you here Casey if we think you're a danger to yourself"

"And do you?" Casey bit out harshly

Alex rubbed her thumb over Casey's knuckles as she whispered "Relax"

Immediately Casey felt her body shift and she sighed defeated "I'll stay"

Lucille was a little unsure about what had transpired but she just made notes in her jotter as she let Alex comfort the redhead who had closed her eyes. She hadn't fallen asleep but she was content and her mind was drifting into it's subconscious.

Looking up at Lucille Alex sighed and then asked "How can I help? I'm in Manhattan so I can't physically be by her side when she has these nightmares, but when she cut last night, I could feel something was wrong. I text her but she didn't answer. How can I help her being that far away? I told her to call me when she has nightmares before she hurts herself but I can't physically make her do that"

"Just reassure her as much as you can that she can call. You can't force her to call you, but you can let her know you're there for her. If she does call and she's in a state, talk to her calmly, don't get angry, try to not to get upset. Tell her to breathe and work through it together, get her to tell you how she's feeling and if she can, about the nightmare. Just took calmly and soothingly, and reassure her that she's safe"

Alex nodded, as she stroked the redhead's cheek. Lucille could see the love these two women shared and she hoped it would be enough to help Casey get better.

* * *

"Make love to me Alex, make love to me please"

Alex shook her head as she tried to divert her gaze from the obvious nervous and needing redhead who had removed her tank. She wanted to make love to Casey, but not there, not at that moment. Casey was trying to feel something, and Alex knew what was happening. She would never force Casey into anything and she wouldn't let the redhead force herself either.

"No. Put your top on Casey"

"You don't want to…" Casey whispered "I knew you wouldn't"

Alex sighed as she took a few steps closer to the redhead. She took the trembling girl's hands into her own and pulled her down to sit on the bed as she did the same. She ran her finger along the redhead's cheek and smiled "I don't think you do either Casey. You're shaking, you're so nervous and it's because you aren't ready. You just want to feel because you can't cut, and I won't let you do that"

"I need to feel something Alex"

Alex nodded as she placed a kiss on the redhead's lips, gentle and not asking for anything in return. She wanted to show the redhead she was loved, and cared for. She slowly stood and offered her hand to the redhead "Come on; let's go to the gym Casey. You can work this off by running or hitting a punch bag or something"

Casey furrowed her brows "Alex, I want you to make love to me not punch something"

"I told you Casey, not right now. You aren't ready and neither am I? Remember I'm a virgin too. I want us to be relaxed and take it slow when we share that together, not rushed and as a replacement, not as a way to feel"

Casey nodded as she began to cry "I'm sorry"

Alex shook her head "Don't apologise. Let's go, I want you to be able to work out this anger inside you and then we can relax until I have to go home"

"I don't want you to go"

Alex gave the redhead a small smile "I know. But I'll be back on Wednesday"

"Are you at home New Years Eve?"

Alex shook her head as they exited the redheads' room and made their way to the gym room "I'm at Abbie's, we're going to have a sleepover, and play a few games"

"Skype me, I want to see them and welcome in the new year with you"

Alex smiled as she wrapped her arm around the redhead's waist "I will"

"Thank you for being here today, I know it was hard for you"

"I'm always here Casey"


	20. Chapter 20

**Surfrider: Here in the UK and I believe also in Canada, Boxing Day is the day after Christmas Day and a bank holiday. Wikipedia gives you a more in depth explanation.**

**Thanks for your lovely reviews. I haven't been at my best today and so therefore while this was meant to be a fluffy and cute chapter it kind of isn't. It started off that way but I kind of didn't end it in the manner it was originally meant to. And also, I know I'm a bit early with a New Year chapter but my muse has ideas and this was one of them. **

**Anyway, hope you enjoy it still. (I can't believe we're at Chapter 20 already)**

Chapter 20:

"So what shall we do?" Olivia asked as she let herself fall onto the floor beside her friends, crossing her legs in front of her

It was New Years Eve and Alex, Olivia, Abbie and Serena were over at Abbie and Serena's place to celebrate the New Year.

"Well I'm going to Skype Casey at around half eleven" Alex explained "I want to talk to her first but I know she wanted to see you guys and celebrate with us. Is that okay?"

Serena nodded "Of course it is Alex. Do you need privacy when you talk to her?"

Alex nodded "I just want to check she's okay and hasn't changed her mind, because when I spoke to her yesterday she didn't sound all that great even if she tried to tell me she was fine"

Abbie gave a sad smile, she still felt really awful about how she had treated the redhead and hearing about how she wasn't coping made her feel terrible each time. "Is she still bad?"

Alex nodded "I know the sleeping pills aren't working, because she's rang me for the past 2 nights and she sounded so depressed I couldn't sleep once we'd hung up"

"Aren't you going to see her tomorrow?" Olivia questioned

Alex smiled "Yeah, we're going to spend the day together and I'm staying in a bed and breakfast overnight and seeing her Thursday too. I just want to check before you talk to her that she's okay for you to, I don't want her to feel awkward or anything so I just want to make sure she's certain before you all overwhelm her"

"We wouldn't…"Abbie began but nodded "I get you Al, we can be a bit much and she won't say if we are"

Alex nodded quietly before speaking up "Let's play truth or dare"

"Boring" Abbie answered "We do that all the time"

"Well, have you any ideas brain box?" Alex joked nudging the brunette beside her

"No"

Serena laughed and put her arm around Abbie who was red faced but smiling.

Olivia laughed "How about we reminisce over the last year. Most embarrassing moment?"

Abbie rolled her eyes "Oh and that's great for little miss clumsy like me"

Serena placed a kiss on her girlfriends cheek "Lighten up Baby Cheeks"

Olivia laughed at the pet name but didn't comment when Serena glared at her. In reality the brunette thought it was sweet and she was feeling a little jealous. Serena had Abbie and Alex had Casey and she wasn't currently in a relationship. She was the only straight member of the circle of friends and while she didn't really have the urge to be in a relationship, it would be nice to have someone to be that light in her life.

"So, what's your most embarrassing moment of the year Liv?" Alex asked

Olivia shrugged "I don't really have one"

"Oh come on Olivia, you wanted to play this game, you can't bail on us" Abbie almost shrieked

"Yeah Liv, you must have something…" Serena began and then started laughing "What about that time we were out running and you…"

Olivia cut her off almost begging "Not this story, please"

"I haven't heard this one" Abbie squealed excitedly

"You mean your girlfriend never told you?" Olivia asked with her eyebrows raised

Abbie shook her head and looked at Serena for an explanation "Okay, so I and Liv were out running, it was pretty late but still…"

Olivia cut in "Serena called me, saying she was scared of the dark and didn't want to go alone"

"That is not true. Now let me finish…" she almost glared at the brunette before continuing "Right, like I was saying it was late and we were out running. We were in Central Park, near the trees. Olivia wanted to go through the woods like a sort of cross country thing"

Alex smiled at Olivia, she had heard this story before and she knew that secretly Olivia thought this story was pretty funny but she didn't want to embarrass her friend any more than she would be.

"So, we had to jump over this log where there was a creak and Olivia kept saying, 'I'll laugh if you trip', well I didn't and we continued to run and then we had to jump over another and Olivia started to say again 'I'll laugh…' but she missed her footing and tripped. She fell flat onto her face, into the water"

Abbie burst of laughing as Serena finished the story. Olivia was blushing, and Alex thought it was really cute that the brunette could still get embarrassed easier than any of them.

"Oh come on Abbie it isn't even that funny" Olivia said but her lips showed a hint of a smile even when she tried to play it off

"Oh yes it was. It was even funnier in person" Serena said as she nudged the brunette beside her

Olivia chuckled "Okay, okay it was funny. Serves me right for teasing you Re, I guess"

Alex laughed "You told it better than Liv did. She didn't say anything about landing in the water"

"Well that was embarrassing Alex" Olivia answered

"We don't go through the woods anymore" Serena added

Olivia repaid the blonde the nudge she had received earlier "Come on then Rena, you're most embarrassing moment"

Serena laughed "You were all there"

Alex laughed "That was probably the highlight of the year"

"Well I didn't have time to buy a new swimsuit so I had to make do with that one. How did I know it was going to fall down when I got out of the pool?"

"That was the first time I realised how incredibly hot you were" Abbie said before blushing "Okay, I said that out loud"

Alex laughed "You two are just so cute"

Olivia agreed as she reminisced about Serena's swimsuit malfunction "You were so red Re; I can't believe I almost forgot about that. That totally tops my embarrassing moment"

Abbie laughed "That it does"

Serena tickled the brunette playfully before resting her head on her shoulder "I bet you have some embarrassing moments Abbie"

"Every time you freaking asked me about my sex toys"

Alex laughed "That was funny"

Abbie sighed "It made me uncomfortable"

Serena put her arm around her girlfriend "I'm sorry"

Abbie started laughing "Okay, it was pretty funny, but I was embarrassed Re"

At that point Olivia noticed Alex trying to slip out of the room "Hey Alex, stay right there. It's your turn and you are not getting out of it"

"It's nearly half eleven guys, I'm gonna Skype Casey"

Olivia shook her head "It's 11.15. Plenty of time for you to relieve your embarrassing moment"

Alex sighed as she dropped back onto the floor "Probably when I was away with my parents at the beginning of the year and I lost my balance and ended up skiing down the hill into that man and his wife making out"

Abbie laughed as Alex visibly shivered "I remember Ari telling us about that when you got back, you were mortified"

"They were proper going at it, tongues and everything and they were like old"

Olivia chuckled "I wish we were there to see that"

"I was so freaking embarrassed. They were in the Cabin next door to us, which was the worst thing. I kept imagining what they were doing in that small bedroom; I couldn't wait to get home"

* * *

"Hey" Alex said with a smile as Casey's face flickered onto the screen.

Casey gave a warm smile back "Hello Gorgeous"

Alex chuckled "Okay, you sound a lot better than you did last night"

Casey nodded "I feel better. Alex, I don't want to talk about this tonight. I just want to laugh and joke and see my friends and you, and forget about everything. I want to see the New Year in with you, and make new resolutions"

Alex understood but she was concerned about the redhead, not just because of how depressed she had sounded on the phone last night but because right now, the redheads face was the only thing in view of the webcam. She was worried about what Casey was hiding from her, although she also guessed that she didn't want to others to see the scars.

The blonde nodded "We'll talk tomorrow though Casey"

Casey nodded before smiling "So, where are the girls?"

"Next door, I sent them out so I could talk to you first. I wanted to make sure that you were okay with seeing them"

"I said I was"

"But after last night I didn't know if you'd want to. I know that they can be overwhelming and I warn you they're in wind up moods tonight"

Casey laughed "That bad huh?"

"Oh it's all good fun. We've been reliving embarrassing moments, and I am sure they're going to ask you"

"Well I am sure that Abbie can give you a few stories about all the shit she pulled on me"

Alex furrowed her brows before asking quietly "Casey, are you sure you're okay?"

Casey nodded "Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking"

"I'll make sure they don't upset you. Are you ready?"

Casey gave a small smile "They're your best friends Alex, I am sure it'll be fine"

"They do care about you. I know that we've all done things that we shouldn't have and we've all been nasty to you in the past but they didn't know, I didn't know what was happening"

Casey saw Alex tear up and immediately felt bad for her girlfriend "Don't cry Lex, please"

Alex wiped away the stray tear and smiled "I love you"

"I love you more" Casey whispered "More than I've ever loved anything"

Alex smiled before calling out "You can come in now"

Abbie, Serena and Olivia bounded into the room, sitting down in front of the webcam and waving like idiots.

Casey laughed, and Alex sighed relieved to see Casey seemed comfortable. "Hi"

There was however a heavy silence as no one really knew what to say.

"Merry Christmas" Olivia said breaking the silence earning a chuckle from Abbie

"You're a bit late Liv"

Casey smiled "Merry Christmas to you. Did you all have a good time?"

Serena nodded "Yeah, it was good. I was with my Mom, and we had quite a nice time. I got a few gifts that I'd wanted and it was fun"

"What about you Abs?" Casey questioned

"Yeah, we had a good time, didn't we Liv?"

Olivia nodded in agreement "Yeah it was pretty cool"

"What about you?" Abbie asked and then kicked herself "Sorry…I guess it wasn't great"

Casey nodded "It could have been better"

Alex could see Casey was thinking and she decided to step in to save a situation that she was sure was coming "So, Olivia are you looking forward to going NYU?"

Olivia nodded, sensing the immediate shift in topic, before smiling at Casey who gave a small smile in return "I am. I'm nervous and I'm going to miss you guys but I have to stay in the city for my Mom"

"I don't know why you do" Abbie told her "You need to follow your dreams Olivia"

Olivia nodded "I am. NYU is where I want to go, and I want to join the police academy as well. Hopefully I can do both"

"You're gonna do great" Casey said, startling Olivia who had nearly forgotten the redhead was there

"Thanks" she said with a smile "How's your studying going?"

Casey nodded "It's good. My grades have been good, I've applied for a few colleges, notably Stamford, Harvard and NYU and hopefully at least one will accept me"

"Do you know what you want to do yet?" Serena asked

Casey shook her head "I was thinking law but I'm not entirely sure"

"You'd be a great Attorney Casey, you're passionate and fiery, and you'll make a difference" Abbie told the redhead which made Alex smile. She was glad that Abbie had grown up as of late and hoped that she and Casey could be good friends in the future

"Thanks" Casey said with a small smile

"It's nearly midnight. Have you got a drink you can toast with us?" Olivia asked the redhead who shook her head

"Nah, but you guys go ahead" Casey said as she watched Abbie pick up 4 tumblers of coca cola

"Here we go" Alex called as she switched on the radio station countdown

"5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year" the four girls in New York cheered

Alex turned to look at the laptop but furrowed her brows when she saw that Casey had signed out.

"Hey, where did she go?" Abbie asked

Alex shrugged "I dunno"

Olivia looked at the obvious worried blonde just as Alex's cell vibrated

**'Tell the guys I'm sorry, it got a bit much. I love you. Happy New Year Lex. Love C xx'**

Alex sighed as she gave Olivia a small smile "She's said to say sorry, but it got a bit much"

"She's really struggling isn't she?" Serena observed

Alex nodded as she grew lost in her own thoughts. It was the hardest thing to watch someone you love self destruct and she knew that things weren't getting better at all. Vowing to talk to Mrs Novak tomorrow before she went down to see her girlfriend, Alex replied to the text as the girls began to make New Year's resolutions, laughing and cheering as they stood by the window and watched the fireworks light up Manhattan.

**'Happy New Year Baby, love you too. See you tomorrow. Your girl, A xxxx'**

**Okay so like I said, it wasn't really meant to end that way. Leave your thoughts anyway.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Again, thanks for your support and reviews, it really means a lot to me that you read my stories and that you like them.**

**CAUTION: This chapter may be triggering, so this is your warning. It's quite an emotional chapter, and I was a bit of a mess while writing this one. **

**Surfrider: This is the start of better things you'll be pleased to know. **

Chapter 21:

"Alex?"

Mrs Novak looked at the blonde standing at her door and immediately saw that this young girl needed someone to talk to

"Sorry to come by unannounced" Alex said quietly

Mrs Novak shook her head and took Alex by the hand. She could tell that the blonde was in a rough place and it worried her.

"Don't be silly. Come in"

Alex almost whispered her thanks as her gaze dropped to the floor. When she chose to look up she saw the concerned look of her girlfriend's mother and attempted a smile.

"Alex, what's bothering you? You look awful"

Alex gave a small laugh "Thanks"

"Alex? Are you sleeping, you look so drained"

"I'm just so worried about Casey; I can't function because I'm so worried. I stay awake in case she needs to call after a nightmare and then I can't get back to sleep because it plays on my mind"

"I'm worried too. Aren't you seeing her today?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, my coach leaves at 11am. Amelia, she's not getting better and I don't think that place is helping"

Mrs Novak furrowed her brows "She's where she needs to be"

Alex shook her head "No, I've been thinking about it. She's so alone in there, and she's getting worse. I know it takes time, but nothing seems to be working. She talks in therapy but she's still hurting herself"

"Alex, it's going to take a lot of time but those people know what they're doing"

Alex shook her head "But you see, she's been there for over a month Amelia. She's slowly getting worse, you don't hear her when she calls after a nightmare, she sounds so depressed, I'm worried about her and I think she needs to come home"

Amelia could tell that Alex was really serious about what she was saying, and she had to agree that she had expected Casey to get at least a bit better since she had arrived and that hadn't happened. Casey had never been this depressed before, even when the whole thing began and Casey had to take the stand, she was still strong, and even when her depression had taken its toll and she had been on medication, she had slowly improved and the redhead had been back to herself.

"Have you spoken to Cassandra about your worries?"

"She knows I worry, Amelia and I know she wants to come home. She kept telling me but I just said she needed to stay there, except now I don't think she should and I want to be with her and not just through the phone or a webcam"

"Talk to her today, if she still wants to come home then her room is still here and you're welcome to stay as much as you need to"

"I just think that she needs someone by her side, especially when she has these nightmares, the therapist and nurse, they don't seem to be there for the patients. And she's still managing to cut, and nothing seems to be done about it. She is able to find so many things to hurt herself with, they're meant to protect her"

Amelia nodded, she agreed. There certainly wasn't enough help being given, or supervision. It was all very well refusing to allow Casey to wear a sweater so she couldn't hide the cuts but it didn't prevent her from still doing it.

* * *

When Alex arrived at the residential home Casey was in a therapy session, so the blonde decided to head to the redheads room and wait there for her. Alex had thought long and hard on her journey down to Stamford and after the talk with Casey's Mom she felt a little more relaxed that she had done. She managed to get a little bit of sleep on the journey over but not enough to clear the achiness from her heart.

As she sat on the bad, she gazed around the room. It hadn't changed much since Casey had been staying there and it didn't really have any comfort in its furniture or surroundings. As Alex looked over to the window she noticed Casey's bag was resting on the window ledge, she didn't think anything of it until she saw something glinting in the rare sunlight.

Standing up she headed over and opened the bag. She gasped when she noticed the photo frame she had given the redhead for Christmas was shattered and shards of glass were strewn across the bag. Carefully she lifted the photo frame, and her heart began to pound when she noticed that a large shard had blood on its edge. Casey had cut herself with the glass from the photo frame. She wanted to be angry but she was more worried than anything.

Furrowing her brows she thought back to when she had given it to the redhead, she hadn't even thought to think that Casey might use it to hurt herself. Although she hadn't seen the photo frame when she had visited last, she had gathered that she hadn't been allowed it due to her frequent self harming. She didn't suspect that she had already used it to cut, or hidden it.

She was deep in thought and didn't hear Casey enter the room, she was still holding the photo frame and looking at the photo that was still placed inside the binding,

"Alex"

She looked up and saw the look on her girlfriend's face; she looked ashamed, and shocked. Alex was about to speak and try and explain when she noticed the huge angry cuts on both of the redhead's arms, which were stitched up. She gasped as tears began to pour from her eyes

"Casey, w…what have you d...done?"

Casey felt like she wanted to be swallowed up, she knew that Alex would see the new scars but she hadn't expected her to be already in the room, and especially not holding the photo frame she had tried to hide.

"I…" she began but before she could finish Alex had stood up and barged past her, grabbing her hand in the process.

"Come with me" the blonde said angrily as she pulled Casey down the hall

Casey was scared at this point, Alex was angry and she didn't know what the blonde was going to do. She began to panic as she attempted to catch her breath as she mumbled over and over "Don't hit me, don't hit me"

Alex dropped her hand noticing the panicked and frightened look in her girlfriend's eyes.

"Casey, breathe. I'm not going to hurt you" she said trying to calm her own voice and she spoke

She attempted to touch the redhead who flinched "You're angry at me"

Alex shook her head "No Casey, I'm angry at these stupid people here. You're getting worse, and they're not helping you at all"

"Please, can we go back to my room?"

Alex nodded; she needed to keep herself calm for the redheads' sake as her eyes began to well again. When they entered Casey's room, Alex broke into loud sobs and she threw her arms around Casey.

Casey was bewildered and a little taken back by the blonde's emotional reaction and for a minute didn't know what to do. It took a moment for her to get her bearings as she led the blonde to the bed and carefully pulled her close.

She hissed in pain as she caught the stitches on her arm but forced the tears not to fall. Alex pulled back at the noise and took Casey's hands in her own. She looked at the cuts and sighed

"I'll never hurt you"

"I know, I know. I was just scared"

"Casey, talk to me"

"I'm sorry" Casey said timidly "I just…"

"When?"

"Two nights ago" Casey almost whispered

"Before or after you called me"

Casey looked at Alex and shook her head "Alex, I was going to tell you, I just…"

"You were cutting when you were talking to me?"

"No, I had already cut, Alex. Please, listen to me. I'm sorry, I really am trying, and it's just…" Casey was beginning to get breathless again as the panic was setting in, she started rocking herself gently as the tears slid down her cheeks.

Alex reached out, she remembered when Casey had done this before and Vanessa had told her that it was okay and Casey would break out of it, but she knew now that it wasn't okay. Casey wasn't breathing properly, and Alex was frightened she'd have a complete breakdown. "Casey, stop rocking, breathe with me sweetheart. It's all going to be okay, just breathe. Follow me, okay. In and out, slowly…that's it baby. Just take it easy"

Slowly Casey began to still, her sobs were quieter and her breathing had slowly evened out. She wasn't gasping for air anymore and Alex sighed in relief.

She held the redhead close to her and continued to whisper gentle words of comfort. After a short time Alex realised that Casey had stopped crying and fallen asleep. She could sleep too, but she wanted to talk to Casey's therapist.

Laying the redhead gently onto the bed, she got up and headed to the room she had been to at the therapy session she had attended with Casey. She knocked gingerly, hoping that Lucille wasn't with another patient.

Lucille opened the door and smiled "Alex, right? Cassandra's girlfriend"

Alex nodded "Can I talk to you?"

"I have a patient in five, but I can give you until then"

Alex nodded as she stepped into the room "I want to talk about Casey"

"You know I can't disclose anything she tells me in here"

"I know. I'm not asking you to. Except she's really sick, she isn't getting better. I saw the cuts; they needed stitches for god sake. She was using the glass from a photo frame I brought. She was that desperate that she smashed it, something that I know meant a lot to her. I want her to come home, she needs people that care about her, she needs help and she isn't getting it here"

"We didn't know about the photo frame Alex, she must have hidden it from us"

Alex nodded, she guessed this but still she was angry that no one seemed to be that bothered about it "She kept it hidden because it meant something to her and then when it got too much she realised that she could use the glass to cut, she's on medication, surely she should be getting better not worse"

"We've upped her dosage Alex; there isn't much else we can do"

"Couldn't you have had someone stay with her, make sure she doesn't do it? You really don't think she's going to one day cut so deep that she slices an artery?"

"I don't think she's suicidal Alex, she hasn't once expressed any signs of wanting to die"

"But she could, she might not mean to but the cutting is out of control. She needs to be at home, she can see her therapist from before, and she needs someone with her when he has these nightmares. She's not well and she needs support. It's obvious this medication isn't working"

"You said yourself she needed to be here, what changed?"

"When I realised how much she needs me and her Mom and people that love her. She needs help, I agree but she needs support, and I can't stand to see her hurting like this. I'm not sleeping because I'm so worried, it's making me sick"

"Do you need to talk to someone?"

"I'm going to; when I make her appointment I'll make one for myself too. When can she leave here?"

"She needs to sign herself out, fill in a few forms, but she can go today if she wants to. I do think she should stay but I don't think that she's a danger to herself anymore out there than she is here"

Alex nodded "I think it's for the best. She's sleeping at the moment, where do I get the forms?"

"You need to talk to Heather. I'll give my agreement but Alex, she needs to talk to someone every day and she needs to see her doctor, find the right medication. She's not going to improve drastically just because you're with her"

"I know. Where is Heather?"

"She should be in her office, two doors to the left. Tell Casey I wish her well"

"I will and Lucille, thank you"

"There's no need to thank me"

"Why do you work here, do you really see many people get better here?" Alex asks, she's been questioning so many different things about this home and she wants answers

"Most of these residents are relatively new; we have about 8 different patients on roll at the moment. Half of them will get better when they find the right medication. Everyone's different Alex, some people need to come because home is the problem. I know that Casey has everything she needs back in New York"

* * *

"Casey, sweetheart. Wake up" Alex whispers

"Huh? What time is it?"

"A little after 4pm. Here, put this on" Alex says handing Casey her sweater

"Where did you get this, Alex? You know I have to keep my arms uncovered" Casey asks with a raise of her brow

"From Heather, come on Casey, we're going home"

Casey looks at Alex wide eyes "Home?"

Alex nods with a smile "Yes, where you should be, with me and your Mom. I spoke to Lucille, she gave permission, and Heather gave me these forms. You just need to sign them and we can go"

"You're taking me home?"

Alex nods as she places a hand on Casey's shoulder "Yes. I'm taking you home. I'm going to stay with you for a while; your Mom said its okay. I'm going to be right there with you through this Casey. I can't stand to see you hurting anymore"

"I don't need a babysitter Alex" Casey huffs as she shrugs away from Alex's touch

"I'm not going to baby sit you Casey, that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to look after you, you wanted to come home and I can't stand to sit by and watch you do this anymore. I'm shit scared that I'm going to get a call saying you've killed yourself"

Casey gasps "Alex, I'm not going to do that. I couldn't…things aren't that bad that I wish I was dead"

"You told me that sometimes you wish your Dad had killed you, Casey that scares me and this…" Alex says pointing the cuts lining Casey's pale skin as the tears drip unreservedly along her cheeks "This freaking scares the shit out of me, you needed stitches for crying out loud. It's getting worse and I can't sleep because I'm so scared for you. I can barely even function because I'm constantly worried about you and what you're doing. I love you, Cassandra, I love you so damn much and I can't lose you"

Casey chokes out a sob as she sees Alex literally break down in front of her. She always thought Alex was strong but seeing her girlfriend in this much pain makes her feel guilty. She had no idea how much she was hurting the blonde.

"I'm sorry Lex. I love you too. I do, and I'll try harder. I don't want to hurt you any more. Take me home please, take me home"


	22. Chapter 22

**Thank you for your lovely reviews, means so much to me that you enjoy my stories. **

**It took me longer than anticipated to get this chapter written, I wanted to make it sound believable, and to work with the previous chapter and sort of tie in to the next, as a filler, if you want to describe it that way. This chapter is the shortest I have written for this story, but that doesn't mean I'm any less dedicated to it, it's just hitting a little close to home at the moment. **

Chapter 22:

"I can't believe I'm actually home" Casey says to Alex as she sits cross legged on the bed.

She had been extremely quiet on the ride back to New York; Alex had given her space and allowed her to lean on her throughout the journey. Now they were back at the redhead's home, she seemed calmer and Alex hoped that being somewhere she felt safe would help Casey begin to deal with everything that had happened recently.

"Well you are Casey. You're Mom made an appointment with your doctor for tomorrow and you'll be seeing Keisha on Monday" Alex told the redhead gently.

Alex was concerned that Casey had become immune to the current anti-depressants she was taking. She'd been on Zoloft for 2 years, and after talking with Serena's Mom, Alex had a few questions she wanted to ask Casey's doctor tomorrow.

Casey nodded and whispered "Thank you"

"No need to thank me, Case. Just get better okay. Now I have to pop home and get a few things that I need, but I'll be back as soon as possible. Talk to your Mom"

Alex hadn't expected Mrs Novak to offer her the decision to stay, yet she hoped that with her presence Casey would not feel the need to harm herself after one of her nightmares, or at least with Alex around she won't have the opportunity. Alex had removed any obvious sharp objects from the bedroom, she didn't want to make Casey think she couldn't be trusted but Alex was worried, especially after the last bout of self harming that required stitches.

Casey nodded as Alex placed a kiss on her forehead "I love you"

"I love you too Lex"

Alex gave her a small wave before blowing a kiss and exited the bedroom. Casey sighed as she lay back on the bed. She was relieved to be home but she knew that things wouldn't just be okay; she had to let it take some time.

When she sat back up, her Mom was standing at the door, a sad smile on her lips.

"Cassandra honey, can I come in?"

"Hey Mom" Casey said with a smile as she nodded "It's good to be home"

Mrs Novak smiled as she entered the room "Alex will be back shortly. I just wanted to see how you were doing?"

"I'm okay. I know it doesn't seem like it, and I've not been in a great place but I think I get through this"

Mrs Novak gave a daughter a hug. She was pleased to see her daughter home, even though a part of her felt that it was her fault that the circumstances over the past so many years had affected Casey so much. She regretted not getting out of the relationship sooner, and when Casey had been depressed, she felt bad for not seeing the signs that things were careering drastically of track.

"I know you can, Cassandra. I just want you to promise you'll be open with Keisha on Monday, you have to be honest"

Casey gave her Mom a small smile "I promise. I'm going to beat this Mom; I won't let it ruin my life more than it has"

"Alex has made an appointment for herself, did she tell you that?"

Casey furrowed her brows "No, why would she…?"

"She's not sleeping out of concern for you, and I don't think she's been eating properly either. This affects the people that love you more than you realise Cassandra and Alex needs someone to talk to about it"

Casey begins to cry as she takes in what her Mom has told her. She had noticed that Alex seemed to be more tired than usual, she had gathered that Alex wasn't sleeping, but she didn't realise that Alex felt like she needed to talk to a counsellor

"I'm hurting her aren't I Mom? I don't mean to hurt anyone, I just…I didn't choose to feel like this; it's just there, all the time. You understand don't you?"

Mrs Novak nods her head "I understand the nightmares and the constant fear but he can't get to us darling. He's behind bars; he can't hurt you unless you let him. Talk to Keisha on Monday, work with her and you'll get through this, and don't shut Alex out, or me. We're here for you, everything that girl does is for you"

Casey nods her head "I know Mom" she says wiping away the tears

"How about we cook dinner together?"

"Yeah, Can we do Paella?"

"Whatever you want darling" Mrs Novak replied with a smile. Back when Casey was little they'd cook dinner together all the time, it was a regular occurrence and Casey had always loved her Mom's paella.

* * *

"Casey! Hey, it's great to see you" Olivia says with a smile as she embraces the redhead

Alex had decided to meet the brunette before they headed to meet up with Serena and Abbie at the park. She had encouraged Casey to come along, and spoken to all her friends warning them to go gentle and not to crowd the redhead. Olivia seemed to be the one person that had some idea of what Casey had been going through, of course, her circumstances were quite different, she had not known her father, all she had to go on was that he was the person who raped her Mom. She didn't have a Mom she could confide in, after all Serena Benson was an alcoholic. Olivia's early life had not been brilliant, but they had muddled through until the drinking became out of hand and Olivia learnt the truth about her father.

"Hey Olivia, How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good. And you?" the brunette asks, gently touching the redheads shoulder as a gesture of comfort and friendship

"I'm home, that's good enough for me right now" Casey replies with a small smile as Alex takes her hand giving it a reassuring squeeze

"You know I'm here any time Casey" Olivia tells the nervous girl "Come on, let's go meet the love-birds, I swear, these two girls are constantly lip locked"

Casey chuckles as she follows Olivia, still gripping the blonde's hand as if her life depends on it.

Alex knows how nervous Casey is, but she's grateful for Olivia's tact and reassurance and hopes that Serena and Abbie can be just as tactful.

As they enter the park, Alex notices the grip on her hand tightening, she stops and tells Olivia "You go ahead Liv, just give us a few minutes"

"Sure" Olivia says with a smile, knowing how hard this must be for Casey. She heads off down a small path as Alex turns to her girlfriend

"Casey, stop worrying. Everything will be fine, we're only staying a short while, we both need sleep but they wanted to see you, they want to be there for you but they'll understand if you really can't face it today"

Casey gives Alex a small smile. She might be nervous but she's determined to put on a front, she doesn't want people worrying about her

"It won't be any easier tomorrow Alex; I have to get my life back. I've spent too long trying to change things that happened in the past, being stuck in the same place. It's time to suck it up and stop being stupid"

"Hey, you are not stupid"

"Okay, to stop obsessing then. It's time I let things go, and see what I have, which is my Mom, my friends and you. I'm just nervous Alex, when people know that you have a mental illness they handle you with kids gloves, they act differently as if you're gonna break any minute and I might, but I can't let that fear stop me from living my life, I can't do that anymore Alex"

Alex gives Casey a hug before kissing her gently on the lips "You're strong, and I'm gonna be right here with you, come on sweetheart. We'll talk some more later, okay?"

Casey nods as she takes Alex's hand before following the path Olivia had taken minutes earlier.

"Hey stranger" Serena says with a wild smile as Alex and Casey approach the three young woman chatting by the lake

"Hey Serena, How's it going?" Casey replies with a smile before laughing and hugging the blonde

Serena is a little shocked by the display of affection but pats the redhead gingerly on the back "It's going great. Have you met my wonderful girlfriend Abigail?"

Casey laughs as she gives the brunette a gentle smile "Hey Abs"

"Hi Casey"

Abbie feels really bad about the way she treated Casey, and not just because she knows what Casey has been through. She realises that just because she was struggling in her own studies and acting out it doesn't justify bullying.

Alex gives her friends a hug "So, what shall we do?"

"How about we head over to the playground, fool around a little, have a laugh" Abbie suggests

"Sounds like a plan" Olivia answers as the foursome head to the playground.

* * *

"Did you have fun tonight Casey?" Alex asks that evening as she enters the bedroom after changing into her pyjamas in the bathroom. Casey was incredibly nervous about changing in front of Alex, so for their privacy Alex suggested she change in the bathroom.

"Yeah, it was nice to see the girls"

"They'd really like to be friends with you Casey, and I don't just mean because they're my best friends"

"I get you, and I'd like to be friends with them. They're great people Alex"

"That they are. Do you want to talk Casey, about anything?"

Casey sighs "I'm tired Al"

"Okay" Alex relents. She had hoped that Casey might open up a little especially after she had admitted how scared she was for the redhead but she knows not to push. Casey's seeing her therapist on Monday, she has to be content with that and trust that Casey will open up "I'm right over here"

"I don't know why my Mom set you a bed up over there, come and sleep here Alex"

"She probably didn't want to presume we'd want that" Alex explains

"Well, I do. I need you beside me Lex, please"

Alex can tell that Casey is struggling, she's nervous and needy. She gives the redhead a smile, as she switches off the lights while climbing in beside Casey.

"If you need me at any time, wake me Casey. I don't mind, really"

"Mom said you're going to talk to someone too. I didn't realise how much stress this was putting on you Alex, and I'm really sorry"

"Shh, don't you worry about that right now okay? I'm fine, and of course I'm worried about you"

"I'll see you in the morning" Casey says with a sigh. She doesn't want to talk to Alex in fear of upsetting the blonde, she doesn't want to put any undue pressure on her girlfriend.

"Night baby" Alex whispers as she snuggles up behind the redhead, wrapping an arm around Casey's midsection

"Night Lex"

**Reviews are always welcome. **


	23. Chapter 23

**I haven't been able to work on this much today but I wanted to give you something to read so my apologies for the shortness of this chapter. I hope it doesn't disappoint though. **

**WARNING: May be slightly triggering, read with caution **

Chapter 23:

Casey's eyes flew open and she bolted upright in bed panting. Her whole body was dripping with sweat and she must have ripped her stitches while gripped in her nightmare.

"Casey?" Alex mumbled "You okay?"

Casey was staring at the blood that was now weeping from her arm, her thoughts running at a hundred miles per hour, as she tried to control her breathing

Alex opened an eye and took in the sight before her before gasping and pulling herself into a sitting position "Casey?"

The redhead was still transfixed, her gaze not shifting but she managed to mumble out an audible "uh huh"

Alex swung her legs out of bed, dashing into the bathroom and grabbing the first aid kit. She took Casey's hand and began dabbing the now open cut with the antiseptic wipe. "Casey, look at me not you arm" she commanded

Casey blinked a couple of times before gasping and snatching her arm from the blonde's lap "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't…I must…I…it…and"

"Casey, breathe, just breathe with me. Nice and slow. It's okay, everything's okay"

"But it's not" Casey whispered

"Not right now, maybe but it will" Alex said soothingly as she retook Casey's hand, placing a band aid over the cut

"It never will. He's here Alex, he's always here" she mumbled tapping her head "I can't get rid of him"

"It was just a bad dream, he can't hurt you" Alex reminded her though she wasn't entirely sure what the redhead was talking about, she gathered she meant her Father but Casey was still taking sharp breaths and trembling slightly

"He's always hurting me, he's in me and he's…." she started before her eyes grew wide and she shrieked, running from the bed at lightning speed

"Casey!" Alex called as she regained herself from the initial shock of the redhead's words. She didn't want to believe what Casey had just said, but she needed to clarify…how had she not known and did anyone know?

As she approached the door she heard loud sobs and a crash, she was concerned about the redhead's current state of mind, she was relieved to find the door unlocked and pushed it open. Casey was bunched over the toilet bowl, dry heaving as her whole body shook.

"Casey?" Alex approached gently as she sunk down next to her girlfriend "Take a deep breath and let it out slowly"

The redhead heaved again before she began to convulse rapidly, her head was thrown back as she shook uncontrollably. Alex was terrified, she had no idea what was happening as Casey collided with the hard floor, she was still caught in the fit and her eyes were rolling back into her head.

"Amelia!" Alex screamed in panic, she had heard not to touch someone who was having a fit, but to make sure that it was safe, but she was gripped in this terror before her

Mrs Novak came running in and for a moment stood completely still before she grabbed pillows from the washing basket, and placed one under Casey's head.

"Alex, call 911" she said calmly "Don't panic, she'll be fine"

Alex nodded as she ran into her bedroom grabbing her cell.

"911, how can I help you?"

"My girlfriends having some sort of fit"

"Has she had a fit before, is she epileptic?"

Alex shook her head as she tried not to panic "I don't know"

"Okay, keep calm. Are you alone miss?"

"No, her Mom's here. She might know"

Alex handed the phone to Amelia as she began sobbing "Casey…"

The redhead had stopped convulsing but she hadn't moved and Alex knew she was unconscious. She barely registered Casey's Mom turning the redhead onto her side and talking to the operator on the phone.

Alex stared helplessly at her girlfriend trying to comprehend what had happened. Everything was so jumbled and she couldn't make sense of it all.

"Alex, an ambulance is on its way. Can you tell me what happened?"

"She had a nightmare…she must have caught her stitches or something because she was bleeding, she was just staring at the blood and then…she told me he was always here…like in her head and then…Amelia she told me that he was in her…and then she screamed before running in here"

"What…oh my god"

Alex saw the older woman gasp as tears escaped her eyes "She always maintained that he'd never touched her…but…he would say things, indirectly that made me think otherwise"

"He raped her didn't he?"

Amelia shrugged her shoulders "God, I hope he didn't…but…"

"She was heaving, I thought she was going to be sick, and then, she just started shaking…and she hit her head…"

Alex sobbed into the older woman's shoulder as Casey lay motionless on the floor. After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and Mrs Novak whispered to Alex "I'll be back in a minute, just let me let them in"

Alex nodded as the tears continued to slide along her cheeks. She glanced at the clock, it was barely 2am.

* * *

Alex sat on the couch resting against Casey's Mom as they waited for news on the young redhead. She had been rushed into the emergency room and Alex and Amelia had watched as the doctors and nurses worked on Casey's unconscious form. The redhead has stirred slightly in the ambulance, muttering words that didn't seem to make sense but she had fitted again on arrival.

Alex was terrified, she'd called her Mom, and tried explained what had happened best she could and then called Olivia, who said she'd be down as soon as she could. She was still trying to make sense of everything that happened and Olivia would be able to offer some comfort. She didn't want Serena or Abbie, they'd not come alone and she couldn't deal with everyone.

"Alex?"

She looked up and saw Olivia standing in the doorway looking worried. "Liv" Alex said as she looked up before beginning to cry again. Mrs Novak rubbed the blonde's back as she smiled up at the brunette

"I'm Amelia, Cassandra's Mom" Amelia explained. Her eyes were red, a sure sign that she too had been crying. Yet she had to be strong, not just for her daughter but the blonde she had began to see as someone very important in Casey's life

"Olivia. I'm a friend of Alex's and your daughters"

Amelia Novak nodded as she looked at Alex "Would you like a coffee dear? I'm just going to get one"

Alex shook her head "I'm okay" she whispered before looking helplessly at Olivia

"I'll stay with you Alex" Olivia said quietly as Mrs Novak slipped out of the room

"Liv, she was so…she…I was scared. I can't…what if she?"

Alex's words were caught in her throat and everything was jumbled up. Olivia was worried that Alex might end up having a panic attack and knew she had to keep the blonde calm

"It's okay Alex" she soothed pulling the blonde into her arms. She didn't want to ask what had happened; there would be time for that later. She knew now that her friend needed her support.

Mrs Novak returned a little while later. Alex had fallen asleep leaning on Olivia, after a bout of crying which had shattered the blonde who hadn't been sleeping much recently anyway.

As Mrs Novak took a seat, the doctor entered the room

"Family of Cassandra Novak?" he asked

Mrs Novak nodded, and held up her hand to motion for him to wait.

"Alex, Alexandra dear. The doctor has some news"

"Hmm?"Alex mumbled before opening her eyes and blinking

"The doctor, Alex" Olivia prodded as Alex became aware of her surroundings.

She jumped up "How is she? Can we see her? Is she going to be okay? What happened?" Alex began firing questions at the doctor

"Alex, let the doctor talk" Olivia said gently

"Sorry" Alex mumbled, nervously

The doctor gave the woman a sad smile before he said…

**Don't hate me, please.**

**Happy New Year to you all!**


	24. Chapter 24

**I know it's not a long chapter but I have been doing paperwork all day as I'm back at work on Monday and I've kind of neglected it a little. **

**But here's a chapter for you...albeit not the longest**

**This is your TRIGGER WARNING for the chapter.**

Chapter 24:

"It's seems Miss Novak's seizure was a result of long term psychological stress which brought on a panic attack"

Alex nodded, she had expected this yet that didn't relieve the worry in her heart "Is…How…Is she gonna be okay?"

The doctor nodded "We've connected her to an IV which is feeding her anti-anxiety medication and she's awake. We've arranged for a psychiatric doctor to come and talk to her, she's still a little panicky. She'd like to see her Mom"

Amelia Novak squeezed Alex's hand "She's gonna be fine Alex. I'll come get you in a bit, okay?"

Alex nodded as she let out the breath she had been holding before beginning to cry "Come and sit down Alex" Olivia coaxed as she put her arm gently around the blonde's shoulders

"She's awake Liv" Alex whispered before breaking out into a smile "She's going to be okay"

Olivia nodded as she sat down, pulling Alex beside her. The blonde yawned as she closed her eyes.

"Alex, you need to sleep. I'll wake you"

Alex mumbled something unintelligible as she succumbed to her exhaustion.

* * *

"Cassandra dear" Amelia said quietly as she stood in the doorway, her daughter curled into a foetal position on the bed "Can I come in?"

Casey looked up before nodding, but she gave no further communication as the elder woman sat down in the chair beside the bed

"Cassandra, did the doctor explain what happened?"

Casey nodded, before moaning a little in pain. Her head hurt from its collision with the floor but luckily there had been no lasting damage.

"Honey, you don't have to hold it anymore"

Casey didn't respond, her eyes closing as she willed the tears not to escape. "He raped me Mom" she whispered

Amelia's heart plummeted; her mouth went dry as she took her daughters hand, running her thumb across the knuckles "I know, I know"

Casey's tears began to fall as she shifted slightly on the bed "I need a hug Mom"

Mrs Novak gave a sad smile at her daughter's vulnerable wish; it had been a while since the redhead has expressed the need for physical comfort. She slid onto the bed and wrapped her arm around the redhead.

"Alex is outside. Do you want me to get her?"

Casey shook her head "I can't see her Mom, I'm so ashamed"

"Alex cares about you Cassandra, she was so scared when it all happened" Amelia said gently

"She knows, doesn't she? What he did to me, Mom?"

Amelia nodded "Don't shut her out sweetheart"

"I can't look at her yet Mom. Please?"

"Cassandra. Why did you not say anything before?" Amelia asked carefully, she didn't want to send Casey into another panic attack but she knew that Casey had to talk about it

"At first Mom, I was scared. I wanted to forget, after a while I just blocked it out. The nightmares weren't…I didn't…he didn't rape me. Not in my nightmares Mom. Until last night…until…and then"

"Okay, don't work yourself up. Just breathe honey" Amelia said as she placed a kiss to her daughters head

"I love her but how can she look at me now, Mom?"

"It's easy, because she loves you too. Darling, this is going to be hard and both you and Alex are going to have a lot to get through but you have each other"

"She deserves someone better. Not me Mom, not someone who's going to freak out, get upset. I'm too broken for her Mom"

"Listen to me Cassandra. You are not broken, not at all. And Alex doesn't want anybody else. You break up with her, you hurt her Casey and I can't just let you do that. You need to talk to her"

"What if she can't look at me, Mom? I'm scared she'll just see what…he did to me"

Amelia Novak kissed her daughter's head again "Trust me, she won't"

* * *

"Casey" Alex whispered quietly, uncertain if her girlfriend was asleep or just pretending to be

"Hey" Casey said quietly opening her eyes

"How are you feeling?"

"Don't…" Casey started

"Don't what?" Alex questioned raising her brows

"Look at me like that, like I'm going to break any minute. I don't need pity Lex"

"Do you think that's what this is?" Alex asked, her voice an octave higher than intended "I don't pity you Case, I love you. I'm worried for you, about you. I thought you were going to die"

"I'm fine Alex"

"You are not fine. Stop downplaying it all the time Casey, I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose you"

Casey closed her eyes and sighed heavily "Please Lex. I can't do this. Just go home, I'll call you"

Alex felt her heart breaking at the fact that Casey didn't want her there "Case…"

"Please" the redhead begged

Alex silently nodded as she turned an exited the room, as she did her resolve crumbled and she burst into tears, her body barely managing to remain upright

"Alex!" Olivia called as she approached the distraught blonde "What's wrong?"

Amelia approached carefully before looking into the room where Casey was quietly sobbing to herself, as she curled herself into a ball on her side

She shook her head, and helped Olivia guide Alex over to a chair "What's wrong Alex?" Olivia asked again

Amelia placed a hand on the brunette's shoulder "I think Cassandra might have asked her to leave"

Alex just cried harder "Why doesn't she want me?"

"She's scared Alexandra; she's bottled this up way down deep inside, but for the first time she dreamt about what happened and then she admitted it to you. She's terrified you won't want her anymore, I guess she's just giving you an out"

"That's stupid. I love her" Alex muttered as she attempted to regain her emotions

"And she loves you. Give her a little time and she'll come round. I'll talk to her"

"Tell her I'll always love her no matter what, please Amelia" Alex said her blue eyes still filled with tears that she was struggling to keep at bay

Amelia nodded before turning to Olivia "Take Alex home"

Alex shook her head "I have to stay here. I can't leave her"

"Alexandra, go home and rest. I will call you later with an update" Amelia told her sternly

"Come on Alex, we can grab breakfast on the way"

Alex reluctantly allowed Olivia to guide her toward the elevator, all the while tears swimming in her eyes. As she reached Olivia's car the tears began to fall silently.

* * *

Amelia Novak had been battling with herself on how to handle situation. God knows she wanted to storm into the room and chew the redhead out on her behaviour but she also knew that Casey was dealing with a lot and she didn't want to upset her daughter

Making a decision she entered Casey's room only to notice the bed was empty. She was about to panic until she heard the running water from the bathroom.

Inching her way to the door she froze when she heard Casey crying "I hate you, I hate you…"

"Cassandra" Amelia says relatively louder

There's a loud crash and a gasp and some sniffling and then the door opens "Hey Mom"

Amelia looks up and down at the redhead, before surveying the inside of the bathroom "Cassandra? What's going on?"

"Nothing" Casey answers though her eyes don't meet the older woman's as she attempts to squeeze past

"What were you doing in there?"

"It's a bathroom Mom, what else would I be doing apart from going to the toilet?" Casey replies sarcastically as she reaches for wall as she starts to feel dizzy

"I don't know Cassandra, maybe you were crying and telling someone you hated them and then there was a crash, which I suspect was that basket, yet there's no one else in there but you and you look like you're about to faint. So, show me what you did?" Amelia isn't angry but her voice is stern and unforgiving as she notices the blood sleeping through the redhead's sleeve

"I didn't do anything" Casey says weakly

Amelia takes her daughters hand, pulls her to the bed and grabs the redheads sleeve revealing 2 fresh and relatively deep gashes on her wrist "Oh Cass" she whispers

"I'm sorry" Casey mumbles embarrassingly as her eyes feel heavy

"Stay awake Cassandra, I'm going to call for a nurse"

Casey mumbles something about Alex, which her Mom is unable to make out before she falls heavily into Amelia's arms

"I need some help in here!" She calls out, and to her relief a nurse dashes in, seeing the redhead slumped over and the blood dripping from her wrist she pages a doctor before grabbing some gauze

Laying Casey down on the bed, she attempts to stop the flow of blood, applying pressure with the gauze.

A doctor arrives and adds some medication to the redhead's IV, as Amelia strokes her daughter's hair. The nurse manages to stem the blood flow and begins stitching up the redhead's wounds.

"Mrs Novak, our psychiatric nurse will be up very shortly to speak to Cassandra"

Amelia nodded in understanding as she placed a kiss on Casey's forehead. The redhead's eyes fluttered for a moment before opening "Mom?"

"Shh" the older woman said soothingly "Don't worry about it right now. The doctor's coming round in a minute"

"Alex" Casey whispered "I need Alex"

Amelia sighed in relief "I'll give her a call shortly. I sent her home to rest"

Casey closed her eyes "I didn't mean to upset her Mom"

"I know. She knows"

"I'm going to get better Mom, I have to"


	25. Chapter 25

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I'm back at work on Monday so updates will be sparse, only getting evenings and weekends to write. **

**Did anyone see the photo on Stephanie's and Diane's Instagram accounts of them together at Stephanie's Make-up Salon RougeNY? They're so perfect together...its unreal. **

**WARNING: Chapter recounts rape. (Not overly graphic)**

Chapter 25:

"Casey, baby. Can I come in?" Alex asks as she stands at the doorway to the hospital room in which Casey resides.

"Course" Casey replies quietly before turning to face the blonde "Al, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to shut you out"

"I know. I'm here now okay, I'm not going anywhere. Case, I'm not asking you to tell me everything; I'm just letting you know, I'm right here when you're ready. And, please, don't hurt yourself anymore, your Mom told me what happened Case"

"I just felt so awful about upsetting you, I just wanted an out" Casey says quietly

Alex's eyes go wide as she tries to comprehend what the redhead is saying "You were trying to kill yourself?"

"No, I…I don't know Lex. I guess I was just angry at myself, I don't know what I was thinking" Casey tries to explain as she begins to cry

"Hey, its okay" Alex soothes as she sits on the edge of the bed "Did the doctor come yet?"

Casey nods "I'm going to see Keisha on Monday and I should be home tomorrow. I've just got to talk about it and I've been giving some different medication. Hopefully it works"

"You'll take it? Promise" Alex asks taking the redhead's hand in her own. Casey flinches but doesn't pull away

"Sorry. I'm just a bit jittery"

"I know, its fine"

"I swear Lex; I'm going to get better. I can't keep hurting you and Mom"

Alex shakes her head "You're not going to do it for me; you have to want to get better for you Casey"

"I do, I do want to. I can't let him ruin my life anymore" Casey tells the blonde

"Good" Alex says with a smile "Am I okay to stay?"

Casey smiles back at the blonde "Can we sit and cuddle?"

"Yeah" Alex says as she adjusts herself so that Casey's head is on her shoulder "Is this okay?"

"Perfect" Casey says sighing contentedly "I love you Lex"

"I love you too sweetheart, more than anything in the world"

"You're still going to talk to someone too, right?"

"I think it's needed. You really scared me Case, wake me next time, please and we can work through it together"

Casey nodded "I will"

Alex places a kiss on the redhead's head "I've got to go back to school on Wednesday"

"I know"

"You'll be okay? I'll call you during lunch break and if you need me then text"

"I'll be fine. I'll be with my Mom"

Alex nods as she kisses Casey's head again. Casey smiles as she lifts her head so her lips are inching from the blonde's "Kiss me Alex"

Alex chuckles as she captures the redhead's lips with her own. The kiss is gentle, yet perfect and both girls part before laughing.

"You're beautiful Case"

Casey blushes "Thank you. You're not too bad yourself Lex. Al, what happened in Stamford, when I said about us…making love…I was just…?"

"Was that because of what he did?" Alex asked

"He raped me Alex" Casey says quietly "I'd blocked it out, and the nightmares were never about that. I don't know whether if we had I would have remembered it all again…"

"I'm glad we didn't Casey because I would have had no idea what to do if you'd had a flashback while we were…I told you I was a virgin"

"I know" Casey almost whispered

"Does that bother you?" Alex asks nervously

"No, I just…he raped me Alex, he made me dirty, he took that decision away from me"

"You're not dirty Case. He took your virginity, but he didn't take you, he didn't change who you are and when we are both ready it will be special and gentle and perfect"

"Really?"

Alex gave the redhead a smile "Case, I promise you, this doesn't change I feel about you. It doesn't change how much I love you, it doesn't make me want to run, and I don't pity you"

"I know, I didn't mean to say that…I was scared"

"Case…I know you were scared and that's perfectly okay. It hurt, yes it did, but I talked to your Mom, I spoke to Olivia and I understand…I can't comprehend how you feel or what you went through but I understand you being scared. That's normal Case" Alex tells the redhead

"Thank you" Casey whispers, her emotion making her voice thick with tears

Alex pulls the redhead closer to her as she rubs circles on her back "Do you want to tell me anything else Case, I'm not pushing you. I'm just asking, is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Not at the moment Al. It's not that I don't want to…"

"It's okay Case. I'm not going to force you into telling me anything. Remember, I am here if you want to though, that's all"

"I know" Casey murmurs

* * *

Alex sat patiently outside the counsellor's office on Monday morning. Casey had been extremely nervous since the minute she had woken and Alex had tried comforting her. The redhead had been jittery and on edge and any physical contact sent her into a panic.

She had come home from hospital yesterday afternoon, and had been given some breathing techniques to control the panic attack. Alex read through them with her yet this morning Alex had ended up having to call for Amelia as Casey wouldn't let Alex near her. It had broken the blonde to be rejected but she knew that Casey would need time.

Leaning back in the chair, Alex took a deep breath hoping that Casey was opening up and not closing herself off as she had been doing. Alex had called her Mom, and was glad that she had been supportive, even if she had expressed her concerns on how this was affecting Alex. Alex assured her Mom she was fine, but had explained that she would be talking to someone herself.

As Alex took another breath, the door opened and Casey walked from the office. Alex could tell she had been crying, and immediately stood up. She didn't say anything to the redhead, asking if she was okay or how it went, seemed pointless as the answers for obvious. So instead she led Casey out of the building and down the steps before hailing a cab to take them back to the redheads.

She was tentative of touching Casey, knowing how jumpy she had been earlier that morning, but relief flooded her when the redhead slid in beside her and leant on her shoulder.

Alex brushed a strand of hair from Casey's face and gave her a small smile. "I'm proud of you" she whispered

Casey gave a small smile "I'll talk to you when we get home"

"You sure?" Alex asked

Casey nodded but didn't respond verbally.

* * *

Alex sat on the edge of the redhead's bed after they had returned from Casey's session. Alex had postponed hers until the next morning, deciding that if Casey was to tell her things, it would help to talk about it tomorrow. There was no point in trying to articulate her feelings on the matter when she was still relatively in the dark about what happened.

Amelia had already spoken with Casey and while the redhead was incredibly nervous about telling Alex, after already telling it twice she knew she needed to again.

Casey tugged lightly on a strand of wool from her sweater, twirling it between her fingers as she looked at the patient blonde.

"You know my Dad would hit me? He didn't touch me or anything until one night, I was 14, and I heard him and Mom arguing about something. I can't remember what it was about, they argued a lot. He hit her pretty hard because when he came into my room, he had this wicked look in his eye. He…um…I was sitting on the bed, in my pyjamas, when he stood beside me and whispered 'Scream and I'll kill you" Casey began telling her story, her voice quiet, but Alex could already see that Casey was getting worked up.

"Case, can I hold your hand? Maybe it'll help" Alex asked quietly reaching for the redhead's hand

Casey nodded as she let Alex interlace their fingers before she continued "He pushed me back onto the bed and put his hand…up my skirt and then…he was rough and it was uncomfortable. He…pulled my underwear…and…he um…touched himself" Casey was breathing in heavy gasps as she willed the tears not to fall

Alex squeezed her hand gently, letting her know she was there.

"It hurt, when he put himself in me. It was quick, but it felt like hours. I wanted to scream but I was terrified" Casey said as the tears began to fall "I wish I had screamed, because he came back the next night and did it again…and still I thought he'd kill me"

"You had every right to be scared Casey, How long did this go on for?"

"Four Months…he made me orgasm once…he said I liked it. I didn't…I…"

Alex began to cry along with Casey "You're body reacts involuntarily, you had no choice Casey. It's okay now, he can't hurt you again"

"He's due out in a year Alex. I'm scared"

"Casey, have you and your Mom thought about going to the police about it? He deserves to be punished for what he did to you"

"I can't go through a trial. Look at me Alex, I'm a complete mess. I couldn't take it" Casey whispered, brushing away the tears

"You might not need to go to trial, not if he pleads guilty" Alex surmised

"He won't…please Lex. Just drop it. Mom and I have spoken about it. I can't go through it"

Alex nodded; she'd approach the subject with Amelia later. She knew a trial would be hard on Casey but didn't she deserve to see justice done? And what would happen when her Father was released?

"Can I hold you Casey?" she asked quietly

"You don't need to ask Lex" Casey replied as she shuffled up to Alex who tentatively put her arm around the redhead

"I don't want to frighten you, or make you uncomfortable" Alex explained

"You don't…I'm sorry I'm so jumpy around you earlier. I just…"

"I know. You don't have to apologise" Alex said as she brushed the redhead's hair away from her face "Thank you for telling me"

"I needed to. I love you Alex, thanks for listening"

"Anytime baby. I'm right here"

"Are you looking forward to going back to school?" Casey asks, trying to shift the topic away from herself

"Not particularly" Alex chuckles "I'm gonna miss you"

"It's only school Lex, you're staying here right?" Casey asks nervously

Alex gives her a wide smile "If you want me to"

Casey nods "I do. Won't your Mom mind?"

"I'll talk to her later but if you need me here Case, I'll be here. I think I might ask your Mom to meet mine, just so they can talk. My Mom's a bit worried about how this is affecting me" Alex says quietly

"Does she had a reason to be worried Lex? Is this too much for you"

"No. Casey, I'm going to talk to someone for the simple fact is that I want to be able to help you. Its hard hearing you tell me things but I need to hear them and it only hurts because I love you so much. I swear, I'll talk to you if things are affecting me, but I'm not going anywhere"

"You promise"

"With all my heart Casey, I'll never leave you"

"You can't make that kind of promise" Casey whispers

"Yes, I can. Whether things work out relationship rise or not, I will always be your friend and friends are there for each other"

"Thank you"


	26. Chapter 26

**I know this one hasn't been updating for a short while, I kind of came to a little standstill and what with all the busy things happening in my life, I just hadn't got round to it. This is a shortish chapter, but it's a filler and I hope it's not too bad quality.**

**Thanks for your support as always**

Chapter 26:

"Casey?"

"Hmm" the redhead replied. The two girls were sitting on the bed watching a film that Casey had found. The redhead was snuggled up to Alex and the blonde was stroking her hair.

"How comes your Father's due out in a year? How long did he go away for?" Alex asked

"He got 3 years"

"That doesn't seem like enough for what he did to you and your Mom" Alex questioned

"He was found not guilty on the charges against him for what he did to me. There wasn't enough evidence" Casey explained

"Oh Case. You never told me that"

Casey nodded as she wiped away a tear, trying to hide the fact that she was crying from Alex. "I know"

Alex furrowed her brows "Case, look at me" she commanded

Casey lifted her head and squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears "Sorry"

"You don't have to keep apologising for getting upset Casey, that's only normal" Alex said as she used her thumb to wipe the tears from Casey's eyes.

"The trial was so hard Lex; the defence were really tough on me. They kept questioning everything I said and I got so upset that I couldn't even talk. I broke down on the stand and the jury still didn't find him guilty"

Alex was shocked that he hadn't been found guilty, but she didn't want to get angry or upset Casey any further. She gave the redhead a kiss on the forehead "You tried your best Casey"

Casey shrugged her shoulders as she took a deep breath "Can we just forget it Al, please?"

Alex nodded. She understood why Casey didn't want to go the police about the rape. She gathered that the evidence against him would be shaky at best and that there was no proof of it happening, nor would it help that she'd left it so long. She just wished that he wouldn't be getting out so soon.

Alex was worried about how his release would affect the redhead and her recovery.

* * *

"Hey. How's she doing?" Olivia asked Alex the next day. Olivia had taken the morning from school to drive Alex to her appointment with the counsellor. Alex's Mom had wanted to go with her but Alex had assured her Mom it was nothing for her to take time out to do. She didn't want her Mom with her and she would have been happy to go on her own but Casey had told her that if she didn't ask Olivia, she'd go with her and she didn't want Casey there either, she didn't want the redhead to be sitting outside the room while Alex discussed everything.

"She's strong, and she seems to be coping okay. She had a nightmare last night but she woke me and she seemed to be able to deal with it, she told me about it, which is a good start"

Olivia nodded "And how are you?"

"I'm okay. I'm worried for her and it hurts but I'm going to see this person to help me deal with it. I need to have someone to discuss it with and work through the emotions it brings out in me"

The rest of the journey was silent and when they approached the counsellor's office, Alex took a deep breath "You don't need to stay Olivia"

"And what would Casey say?"

"She doesn't need to know, I can say you dropped me off at the end of the road and she doesn't have to know you didn't"

Olivia shook her head "I'll be here"

Alex relented and gave the brunette a small smile "Thanks"

* * *

"How did it go?" Casey asked Alex that lunchtime when the blonde returned

"It was fine Case. The lady I'm seeing, she's really nice and easy to talk to"

"What did you talk about?" Casey asks

Alex shakes her head "Casey, I don't want to upset you. You know I talked about you"

Casey nodded as she stepped closer to Alex, offering her hand "We need to be honest with each other Alex, I'm trying. I need you too as well"

Alex took a deep breath "We just talked about how I felt about what happened and how I was dealing with it. It was fine"

"And, how do you feel about what happened to me?" Casey asks quietly

Alex shook her head "I don't force you to talk Casey; I'll talk to you when I'm ready"

Casey nodded as she let go of the blonde's hand and walked from the room. Amelia looked at the blonde and shook her head "She'll be okay. She's worried about you Alex, she's scared you're going to leave and that she disgusts you"

"I won't and she doesn't. Amelia, I don't want to upset her and her Father makes me angry and I don't want to show her that side of me" Alex explains

Amelia nods in understanding "Tell her that. Alex, I know you love her and I know you won't leave her but she's worried about it and I think you need to show her how much she means to you. I'm going to talk to your Mom this evening; she's invited me over so you and Cassandra have the place to yourselves. Watch a film, relax and talk"

"Amelia, do you think I should initiate any physical contact? I don't want to make her uncomfortable, and she gets jittery when I touch her sometimes. Should I just not touch her, I don't want her thinking I'm not because I'm disgusted, you know?"

Amelia furrows her brows "Talk to her. I think if you're both open about it, then you'll be able to work through it together. Tell her how you feel and she'll open up to you Alex"

Alex gives the woman a smile as she heads out of the room to find Casey. She spots the redhead sitting on the stairs deep in thought "Hey. Can I sit?" she asks quietly

Casey looks up and nods her head "Yeah"

"I'm sorry I was snappy with you Casey. I know you're worried about how this is affecting me, but I'm okay. I'm angry, at your Father, at the jury, and I don't want you to see me like that. I'm not very pleasant when I'm angry and I bottle it up. We talked about how I see you, and I'll tell you what I told Julia, I love you so much and I think you're brave and strong and beautiful and everything that happened to you, adds to who you are, and I love that person. I hate how he hurt you, and I hate that you're punishing yourself but I'm not angry at you and you don't disgust me at all. I love you Casey Novak"

Casey feels the tears well in her eyes "I love you too. I want us to talk to each other, whatever we feel, we need to share. Can I have a hug?"

Alex smiles "Of course" she answers before wrapping her arms around the redhead's stomach and giving her a squeeze "I'm right here Casey"

"I heard what you said to my Mom. You can touch me as much as you want, if I get jittery don't stop. I'll tell you when I feel uncomfortable. I promise"

Alex nods as she places a kiss on the redhead's lips. She doesn't linger long, but enough that Casey smiles when she pulls away "I like that. Some more of them would be nice"

Alex grins, placing another kiss on Casey's lips and another before she sighs and rests her head on Casey's shoulder "You're amazing Casey. I'm so proud to be your girlfriend"


	27. Chapter 27

**Sorry for the break in updates, I have so many projects on the go and what with work starting up again and family commitments, I just haven't had time. This is a shortish chapter but hopefully it suffices for now. **

Chapter 27:

Alex awakens early on Wednesday morning. She hates that she has to leave the redhead but she knows Amelia's there if needs be. Casey had had a nightmare and awoke in a hot sweat early that morning, she was shaky and panicky and Alex immediately grabbed a flannel and sat with her, whispering while she placed the wet flannel against the redhead's forehead. This made Alex feel awful for having to leave now and as she sat on the edge of the bed, she didn't hear Casey stir behind her

"Alex, you've got to get to school" Casey said quietly as not to startle the blonde

Alex nodded "I know babe, I'm just thinking. You'll call me if you need me, right"

Casey sat up "Alex, come here" she said, opening her arms when the blonde turned to face her

Alex crawled over to the redhead and gave her a warm hug "I don't want to leave you" she said

Casey sighed and pulled away from the hug "Alex, you need to go to school. I'm going to be fine. I'm not made of glass and my Mom's here if I need her"

Alex nodded "I love you Casey" she whispered, as she placed a gentle kiss on the redhead's lips.

She quickly bid goodbye, knowing prolonging the inevitable would make it even harder to leave. Casey flopped back onto the bed as the door closed, she knew Alex needed to go and she would never stop her or make her stay but she would certainly miss her girlfriend.

* * *

"Hey Alex" Serena said with a smile as the blonde walked over to where she Abbie and Olivia were sitting at the bench by the design department.

"Hi" Alex replied as she hugged each of her friends "How's you all?"

"I'm good" Abbie answered "And you?"

Alex nodded "I'm okay. Just worried about Casey"

"How is she?" Olivia asked as she shuffled over a little so Alex could sit beside her

"Good. She's still having nightmares but she seems to be opening up a little more, and I know she hasn't cut for a few days at least…I'm just…I hated having to leave her. She said she'd be fine…but"

"You still worried" Abbie finished

"Yeah" Alex said with a smile "Anyway, what's new with you guys?"

Olivia shrugged "Nothing much. My Mom's still drunk and I've been thinking about going to Siena instead of NYU"

Alex smiled "Wherever you go Liv, you'll do great"

Olivia nodded and thanked the blonde before they stood and headed inside for the first lesson of the day.

* * *

Casey was at the computer, typing away as she was doing an online Literacy exam. Amelia was watching from the couch.

"Mom, I'm not going to fall off the chair or anything" Casey says without turning around "I can feel you burning holes into me with your eyes"

Amelia chuckles "Sorry. I was just thinking about how much I love you, that's all"

"Bullshit" Casey mutters, but her Mom has sharp hearing

"Cassandra Novak, mind your language" she says although a smile plays on her lips.

Casey turns around in the chair and laughs "Sorry"

"This came earlier. I was figuring out when to give it to you" the older woman says as she picks up an envelope

"Is that Harvard?"

Amelia nods "How about we find out what it says?"

Casey nods as she stands up and takes the envelope from her Mom. She tentatively opens it and begins to scan the letter.

"I didn't get in" she whispers quietly, before a tear escapes her eyes

Amelia sighs "I know it's disheartening but you've got two others to wait for; it's not the end of the world"

"I won't be with Alex" she says through he now full flowing tears "Alex was meant for Harvard"

"Cassandra, you can still see Alex regularly. If NYU accepts you, isn't that where Olivia's going. She seems a really nice girl"

"I need Alex" Casey says "I need her Mom"

Amelia nods as she pulls her daughter into her arms "I know you do darling. And she's never far away. You could stay with me if you feel safer"

Casey nodded but she felt stupid and as if she was being dealt another round of cards that never seemed to be in her favour.

"Cassandra, you're going to be fine. You're going to get better and beat this. I promise things are going to be okay"

"He comes out next year. What if he comes looking for us Mom?" Casey expressed he fears

Amelia shuddered at the thought "I've been thinking about getting a court order, so he can't come within so many yards of us but maybe it would be easier if we just moved. Maybe closer to NYU if you get in, or if not, we could move to Stamford. I know you and Alex talked about the distance between you and how easy it would be to visit"

Casey nodded, she was still scared and she knew it wouldn't settle easily. She wanted to call Alex but she hated worrying the young woman, and decided that she'd talk to her later that evening when she got home.

* * *

"Hey baby" Alex greeted the redhead as Casey opened the door at around 4pm that afternoon.

"Hi" Casey said "I missed you"

Alex wrapped her arms around the blonde, drawing back when Casey tensed in her arms "You okay?" she asked

Casey gave her a small smile and nodded "I'm fine. Just missed you is all"

Alex furrowed her brows but didn't press as she followed Casey into the living room.

"Hey Amelia"

"Alex, how was school?" the older woman asked

"It was school…" Alex shrugged before giving a small smile "Okay, now why does the atmosphere in here feel really strange?"

Casey sighed "I got this today" she said handing Alex the letter "I didn't get in"

Alex paled and wrapped her arms around Casey, holding on even when the redhead tensed again "Casey, it's not the end of the world"

Casey nodded "That's what my Mom said. She said I could go NYU with Olivia"

Alex swallowed "Olivia's thinking about going to Sienna instead. She wants to get away from her Mom, I think"

Casey nodded as she pulled from Alex's embrace "I'm just going to go to my room"

Alex went to follow but Amelia shook her head and took the blonde's hand "Don't. Give her space"

"What if she…?" Alex begins to question

Amelia led the blonde over to the couch where she sat "We need to trust her. Give a few minutes, and then go talk to her"

"How's she been?"

"Good. She seemed much better this morning, until I gave her the letter and then she just worried about a few things. She said she needs you and I think that's what's hurting her most, not being with you. But we talked about moving closer to NYU, and possibly Stamford"

"Do you think she could apply for Northeastern University in MA? Then we could even get a small place together?" Alex asked "I've been looking around today…I wanted to explore all avenues"

Amelia shrugged "We could try, I guess. It's just because she's had so much time from school over the years…she's behind, even if she is bright"

Alex nodded "I love her with all my heart Amelia, whatever she wants, she'll get. I'd give up Harvard for her if I had to"

"She'd hate for you to do that, although it's a touching decision" Amelia spoke gently

Alex nodded before sighing and leaning back into the couch and closing her eyes.


	28. Chapter 28

**I really am sorry this one hasn't been updated much recently. My muse was being stubborn and refused to let me update sufficiently**

**There is a little time jump with this chapter. I'm not sure how many more chapters there will be, I am thinking about drawing it to a close in the next 2 or 3 chapters, but they're will be a sequel, when my muse is in a more co-operative mood. **

Chapter 28:

**1 month later.**

It seemed that Casey had withdrawn from Alex. She didn't seem to want to spend time with the blonde alone, choosing instead to sit in the living room and making minimal eye contact with the young woman. Alex was confused, worried, angry and hurt. She didn't know why Casey was being so distant and every time she tried to approach the subject, the redhead would tell her that she was fine and that Alex was being ridiculous.

Alex had spoken to Amelia, who had told her to let Casey be. She assured the blonde that she would keep an eye on Casey, but it seemed that apart from her reluctance to talk to Alex or be alone with her, she was doing well. The doctor had increased her dosage of anti-depressants but had assured Casey's Mom that it was just a precaution and it seemed that Casey was opening up in therapy.

Which was why Alex couldn't understand what was happening with the redhead. She was worried that Casey had realised that she didn't love her, or that she wanted to break up but she hadn't told the blonde either of these things. She still said "I love you" before they went to sleep at night.

That was another thing, the nightmares had suddenly stopped or at least that's what Casey had said. She hadn't woken Alex for weeks and Alex hadn't been woken by the redhead's cries either.

It was a chilly morning one weekend and Alex had decided she'd take Casey to the icing rink today. She knew how much the redhead loved to skate and thought it would be a lovely opportunity to spend time alone.

However Casey was reluctant "I don't know Alex, I've got so much school work to be getting on with. I have to make a decision about college too. Why don't you call Olivia or Serena and invite them out instead?"

"I want to spend time with you Casey. I went out with them last weekend because you were busy with school work"

"I'm sorry I've got a lot to catch up on" the redhead bit out "In case you'd forgotten, I missed a lot of time when my Father raped me!"

Alex didn't want to argue with Casey but she wanted to spend time with her girlfriend. She hated it when Casey would throw this at her, and make her feel bad and she knew it was uncalled for.

"Casey" she said gently "I'm sorry. I'll call Olivia instead"

Alex turned and left the living room, and Casey sighed and flopped herself into the couch. She was just about to get up when her Mom pulled her back down and gave her an icy stare "That wasn't nice Cassandra"

Casey shrugged "I'm busy Mom"

Amelia shook her head "Cassandra, I've let this go on long enough. What is happening with you and Alex? You've been pushing her away for weeks and the way you just acted was totally out of line"

Casey shrugged "Nothing's happening Mom. I'll apologise"

"No, I don't think so Cassandra, something is going on and I want to know what. Talk to me, why is it so hard for you to be around Alex?"

"I love her so damn much Mom, but she's been looking after me and acting like my doctor/counsellor instead of my girlfriend Mom. I feel like I'm keeping her from actually being an 18 year old"

Alex had turned 18 a few weeks ago and her Mom had thrown a big party, all her friends were invited, as well as Casey and Amelia. Alex had enjoyed herself so much, but Casey had been distant since then.

"Cassandra, Alex wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be. She still goes out with Olivia, Serena, and Abbie but sometimes she wants to spend time with you. Don't push her away, you might just lose her"

"I don't want to lose her Mom. I just think sometimes she's with me because she feels she has to be not because she wants to"

Amelia hugs her daughter "She's here because she loves you and wants to be here. She hates that you're pushing her away, she thinks she's done something wrong and she's worried about you"

"I'm fine Mom"

"You're doing better, I know. But you're a long way from fine Cassandra. Go and find Alex, she hasn't left yet"

Casey rushes from the couch and finds Alex crying in the bedroom they currently share. "Alex, can I come in?"

Alex looks up and shrugs "It's your room"

Casey sighs as she crosses over to where the blonde is sitting on the bed. She opens her arms and Alex tentatively leans into the embrace. "I'm sorry Alex. I didn't mean to be like that, I don't mean to hurt you"

"But you did. You do, Casey. Why are you pushing me away? Every time I suggest we go out, you tell me to ask Olivia, she's not my girlfriend Case, you are and it's you I want to spend time with"

"I just, sometimes I feel like I'm holding you back from having a life Alex. You're 18, you should be having fun, not worrying about me and making sure I'm okay"

"Casey, I love you. I'll always put you first, because that's what I should be doing. I have fun, I see the girls at school and we go out together but sometimes, I just want it to be me and you"

Casey sighs "Don't you ever wish you could have a girlfriend that was normal, that you could sleep with and do things with?"

Alex shakes her head "Casey, I want us to sleep together, to make love but when you're ready. I'll wait as long as I need to because it's important that you feel comfortable. I don't want anyone else"

"But you have needs" Casey argues

Alex nods "I do and I take care of them. Sex isn't all relationships are, they're built on love and time together, talking, sharing, laughing"

"You masturbate" Casey says shaking her head "Really?"

Alex gives the redhead a smile and nods "Sometimes, yes. Casey, I told you, when we're ready it will happen, if you're never ready then fine. I don't want you for sex, I want you because I love you and care about you"

"You mean that. You're not just saying that to make me feel better, to make me happy?"

"I want you to be happy Casey but I wouldn't lie to you"

"Is the offer still on for the ice rink?" Casey asks quietly

Alex gives the redhead a wide smile and nods "Of course"

* * *

"Are you having fun?" Alex asked Casey as they skated around the ice rink hand in hand

Casey nodded "Yeah. I'm glad I came. Alex, I really am sorry for hurting you"

Alex stopped and looked at Casey "I know baby. I know. Come on; let's just forget everything for a while"

"Kiss me Alex"

"What?" Alex asked, not sure if she had heard correctly. Their intimacy had been lacking for the last few weeks and all that the two women had shared were pecks on the cheeks and occasionally the lips but every time Alex went to deepen it Casey moved, or pulled away.

"Kiss me; I want you to kiss me"

Alex placed a gentle kiss on the redhead's lips, before smiling as she pulled back. Casey pulled her back, crushing their mouths together. Alex was vaguely aware of where they were, and that people were looking at them, but she was revelling in the moment. Casey was kissing her, deeply, passionately, and she could barely breathe.

She pulled away slightly "I love you Casey"

"Can we go somewhere? I want to…can we try something?" she whispered into Alex ear

Alex took her hand and let her over to the steps, where she pulled the redhead down next to her "Case, are you sure?"

"We don't need to have sex, I don't think I'm ready…I just…can we masturbate together? I…is that, do you want to?" Casey nervously asked

Alex again was aware, that they were having this conversation at the ice rink "Let's go home. We can talk about it a bit more…first"

Casey nodded, and took a deep breath, she wasn't sure if she would be able to do this but she wanted to try.

**Please let me know what you think and what you want to happen next, etc**


	29. Chapter 29

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, been so busy and my muse hasn't allowed me to concentrate. However, I am quite pleased with this chapter, so hope you are too :)**

**Thanks to Lexie, Blitz1030, Tripperz and Tracer0403 for the reviews on the last chapter. **

**Tracer0403: Lol, don't worry, Casey's Mom isn't home. That would be weird. **

**Tripperz: Thanks for the input, and that's an idea for a few chapters later. As for taking a step further, I think there's a few things that need to be figured out first. I haven't thought about the sequel for ASSDK just yet, got 4 projects on the go as it is. But there will still be a sequel, I promise. **

Chapter 29:

"Casey" Alex said gently once they were in the redhead's bedroom. Amelia had gone out, and said she'd be back sometime later that afternoon. Alex was relieved because while she wanted to make sure Casey was perfectly okay with what they were going to do, she didn't want them to be caught by the redhead's Mom if they decided to do this.

"Alex, I really want to try this. I've masturbated before, it's not like I don't know what I'm doing, and it's not like its sex or anything" Casey says, looking directly at the blonde as she speaks

"I'm just worried that it's too soon"

"Like I just said, it's not sex. It's masturbating, everyone does it, right?"

Alex nods "Yes"

"Please, I want us to do this" Casey says again, standing up and shedding her clothes.

Alex had no qualms about changing in front of the redhead and Casey had seen her naked a few times now. However, since that time in Stamford when Casey had pleaded with Alex to make love to her, she hadn't seen Casey with anything less than fully clothed.

Alex watched as Casey began to remove her pants, and Alex decided to join her. When they were both naked except for their panties, Casey let out a deep breath.

"Are you sure Casey?" Alex questioned again, needing to be certain

Casey nodded as she hooked her fingers on the waistband and removed the final garment. Alex smiled "You're beautiful"

Casey reached out and cupped the blonde's face "I love you" she whispered before kissing Alex gently.

When she pulled away, she got herself situated on the bed, and looked expectantly at Alex. The blonde nervously removed her own panties before sitting opposite the redhead. Alex kept her eyes on the redhead, as she moved her hand down to her opening, running a finger along the folds.

"You're wet" Casey observed shyly

Alex nodded but spoke no words as she gently teased her clit with her fingers, moving them in circles before she tilted her head back and moaned

Casey watched her girlfriend touch herself so gently and nervously, she spread her legs and felt the wet heat of her own arousal before cupping her breast with her free hand

"God you're beautiful Case" Alex whispers, as she inserts 2 fingers into herself, starting a slow rhythm as she moans loudly

"You are too" Casey replied in a half whisper, half moan, as she was transfixed on the blonde's movements. Casey could see the blonde's wetness glistening on her fingers as she thrust a little faster

Alex comes hard, her body bucking against her hand as she lets out a deep and guttural moan before gasping and breathing hard "Fuck, that felt good"

Casey laughed "It looked it too"

"Are you close?" Alex asked as she watched Casey rub her clit faster, in circles and then flicking it, before returning to her original motions

The redhead shrugged and continued rubbing, Alex saw tears in her eyes and crawled over to the redhead "Case, what's wrong?"

"I don't feel anything"

Alex furrows her brows as she looks questionably at the redhead. Casey stops rubbing her clit and bursts into tears "I had a fucking orgasm when he raped me and now I can't feel a damn thing"

Alex's heart breaks at the redhead's obvious pain and takes her in her arms "Oh Case"

Casey shook her head and wiggled free of the blonde "Don't. You've just had a fucking great orgasm, you're fine"

"Casey? Maybe you just need time, maybe it's being watched…"

Casey shook her head as she climbed from the bed "I'm going to the toilet"

Alex jumped up and grabbed the redhead's hands "Casey, if you're going to hurt yourself, don't…"

"I'm not" Casey said defensively "I need the toilet"

Alex nodded and let the redhead go, but she wasn't convinced.

* * *

Almost 10 minutes later, Casey emerges from the bathroom. She tries to turn her head away as she sees Alex staring intently at her "I'm fine" she murmurs

Alex shakes her head and reaches her hand out to the redhead who takes it "You're not Casey, but that's okay"

Casey takes a deep breath "What's wrong with me Alex?"

Alex shakes her head "I don't think there's anything wrong with you Casey. Maybe you should talk to Keisha about this"

Casey nods "I'm sorry"

"What for?" Alex questions, as she touches the redhead's arm gently "Did you cut?"

Casey shakes her head "No, I wanted to though"

"You did good Case. I'm proud of you"

"But I still wanted to" Casey says tearing up

Alex takes her hand and runs her thumb over the redhead's knuckles "You're so strong Case, and wanting and doing are two very different things"

"I'm sorry"

"Casey. Why are you apologising?"

"I'm disgusting, I'm abnormal. You shouldn't have to be with someone so messed up…" she begins but is silenced by a finger on her lips as she's led over to sit on the bed

"Shut up Casey, I love you. You are not messed up; you are not abnormal or disgusting. You are beautiful, so very beautiful and a little lost and hurt but that's expected with everything you've been through and I don't want anyone else but you"

"Why couldn't I cum Alex?" Casey asks lowering her head in shame

Alex gently touches the redhead's cheek, lifting her head "Case, look at me. There's no need to be embarrassed baby"

Casey looks up at the blonde, only to see love and concern, where she thought she'd see disgust "I don't get it"

Alex sighs "Casey, you said you've masturbated before"

Casey nods "Kind of, I mean, I've touched myself, like I just did, I've just never made myself cum"

"Maybe you're doing something wrong, I don't know. I mean, I've only ever touched myself with my fingers but I know Abbie and Serena use toys, like vibrators and things. Maybe you need more stimulation" Alex says ending with a shrug

"Maybe" Casey says quietly "Or maybe he ruined my body"

Alex sighs "I don't think so Case. Have you tried talking to your Mom?"

Casey shakes her head "I am not talking to my Mom about masturbating!"

Alex chuckles lightly, knowing she wouldn't talk to her own Mom about that sort of thing "Okay. What about talking to Serena, she might be able to help with something"

Casey doesn't respond, she just sighs and leans back onto the bed "So what shall we do?"

"Watch a film" Alex suggests, and is relieved when the redhead nods.

They decide on watching Legally Blonde, much to Alex's joy. However both women are quiet during the movie, and where Alex would usually laugh or point something out, she doesn't and Casey knows she's thinking

"Alex, what is it? You're so not paying attention to the movie"

Alex attempts to pass it off "I've seen it so many times"

"You wanted to watch it again; I said we didn't have to. What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing…I" Alex begins and raises a brow when Casey huffs in desperation "What?"

"You keep saying I should talk to you, but you're closing yourself off"

"I don't want to upset you" Alex says quietly

"Why would you upset me?" Casey questions

Alex rubs her forehead "I think I should go home"

"What?! Why?" Casey almost cries in fear

Alex sighs and attempts to take Casey's hand in her own but the redhead pulls it away "Case…I love you, you know that right?"

"It seems like it, you just want to leave me"

"No!" Alex shouts "Casey, I don't but we're arguing so much and I don't feel like I'm helping you at al. You've been pushing me away and there's a reason for that, I'm here too much, you don't get any time to yourself"

"I don't care. I like spending time with you, you're my girlfriend. I know we argue a bit and I've been pushing you away, that's my fault and I'm sorry. I promise you, I won't do that again" Casey says, desperation evident in her voice.

"Case…I think it's for the best"

"You don't like spending time with me, you want us to break up" Casey mumbles, but Alex is able to make out what the redhead is saying

"No! Casey, that's not it at all. I love being with you, I don't want to break up with you. I just don't think I'm helping"

"You are" Casey says, tears rolling down her cheeks "Alex, I need you"

"I'm sorry" Alex says as she stands up, she attempts to hug the redhead but Casey screams as she pushes her away

"Get out! Just go"

Alex shakes her head as he own tears fall "Casey, I'm sorry. You have to believe me; I don't want to do this"

"Then don't. Alex, please…stay here. I need you. Please, I don't beg, but I'm begging now" Casey says, startling Alex as she grabs her arm

As she does so the door opens and Amelia appears, she looks at the two women who are crying and clinging to each other, she furrows her brows before demanding "What the hell is going on?"

"Alex wants to leave me" Casey cries

"I don't" Alex replies, her voice breaking as she speaks "I think me being here isn't helping Casey"

"It is. Alex, I need you" Casey says again

Amelia sighs, taking both of the girls' hands and pulling them to the bed, where she commands them to sit "Now, explain what's happened"

"Nothing" Casey says quietly "Alex wants to go home"

Amelia looks at the blonde and raises a brow, as in question "Casey has been pushing me away, you know that, and I just feel like I'm not helping" Alex explains

"I said I was sorry" Casey mutters

Amelia sighs "Alex, stay here for a few more days, if you still think you should go, then we'll discuss it, but it needs to be the right decision"

Alex understands what the older Novak is saying and agrees to stay, although hesitant. "Okay"

Casey sighs in relief "I love you Alex, and I really do need you"

"I love you too Casey, this isn't about that" Alex reassures the redhead

Amelia knows that there is more to this than both young women are letting on but she won't push right now. She hopes to get the blonde on her own at some point to find out why she's feeling like she isn't helping.

**What did you think?**


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